A friend recently sent me a link to a New York Times Blog Post, “When Your Child Is the Cyberbully”, by Tara Parker-Pope.

The article takes a unique look at the opposite side of the parenting struggle, that of the parent of the bully. The reader wrote in to ask what to do, and how to handle their child. Parents have a natural ability to comfort the victim, but often find it hard to discipline their own. A very important point the article makes is that forcing the child to apologize right away is not in good form. For an apology to mean something, it needs to come from the heart and not just because a parent is forcing it. For information about using discipline to raise a child check out my other website: http://disciplineyespunishno.com/

Read the full Article Here.

Thank you for joining this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

As a victim, you are surrendering your power over to others so that they drive the events of your life. I just read this statement in a Twitter post about confidence.  It really struck me how much power a bully takes or is given by those who are targeted.

Bullying is About Power

When choosing a victim, bullies typically target children who have few or no friends.  If a child has at least one significant friend in school,

If your child has at least one significant friend, he will be less likely to be bullied and can more easily cope with effects of bullying should it occur.

he or she is less likely to be bullied and is usually better equipped to find solutions.

In doing research for my book The Left Out Child- The Importance of Friendship I was struck by how isolated some children are in the playground politics.  Often, it takes very little to help the child learn social skills that will draw others to him/her as friends.  Simply learning how to invite a person to play or ask to join a group game already in progress.

When adults can help strengthen the victims of bullying and teach positive ways to interact with others, both the target and the bully will benefit.  As will all of society.

Teach Assertiveness Skills

If a victim has been repeatedly bullied, they may find it very difficult to stand up to the bully and will try to avoid a confrontation at all costs.  One reason is that the bully is very good in reading body language and non-verbal clues and has learned to look for vulnerabilities in others.  If there is intervention early in the conflict, the victim may be able to shift the power and no longer be dominated.

If a potential victim or target maintains his/her composure, stands firm and consistently continues to speak in a calm voice with conviction, the bully will go elsewhere. Allow the teasing, taunting and insults to flow off your back.  Do not take them personally.

Assertive means standing firm.  It is not easy to gain this skill and may need to be practiced at home.  Have some words and body language ready when a bully tells you that you are ugly, stupid, gay or any of the other thousands of slams that bullies use on victims. Stand straight up and look the bully in the eye and don’t let him/or her see that what they have said has upset you.

Recognize that it is the bully who has the problem, not you.  He/she is looking for someone he can make feel smaller so that he/she can feel more powerful.  Don’t give them the satisfaction.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

PS: If your child is very shy, you will benefit from claiming a free ebook at http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

Bullying can inflict physical and emotional harm to the victims or targets who did nothing to deserve the demeaning behavior. Bullying by direct or indirect methods can bring social embarrassment, humiliation and social isolation.

Being a Target of a Bully

Being a victim or target of a playground, workplace or neighborhood bully can have harmful consequences which can impact people seriously for the the rest of their lives. Knowing that they may be attacked or singled out for harassment, many victims become isolated and preoccupied with the task of avoiding situations where they will be open to the bully.

There are two types of targets that bullies look for:

1. Passive victims.  Passive victims tend to be either physically weaker, equipped with fewer social skills and have less of a support group.  This group tends to be more anxious and turned inward, both mentally and with body language. Bullies tend to justify picking on the passive victim because they feel they will not be caught and that “They deserved it because they were trying to hide.”  An example of this in the workplace could be a manager  stealing the work of a co-worker and putting his/her name on it. Thus taking credit knowing that they will get away with it because of the unequal division of power.
2. Provocative victims. These are the people who are in the spotlight and the bully wants to “Take them down a peg or two.” Provocative targets may be those who have poor social skills and impulse control and so tend to irritate or annoy others with their behaviors.  Bullies tend to find pleasure in provoking situations which will cast the target in a bad light. An example of this is a neighbor who starts rumors about a home owner who has the biggest display of lawn ornaments.

Bullying is About Power

In a conflict, both sides have equal power to resolve the problem.  Bullying is an intentional, one-sided use of power and mean spirit to control another.   If you or a friend feels that you are the target or victim of either a person or group, then please do not feel ashamed or that you did anything to bring on that kind of trauma.  Bullies are bullies, whether they are on school grounds, work places or in our neighborhoods.  They are looking for victims.  If you were not there, they would find someone else.

The bully is the problem not you.  It is not your fault.

Empower yourself and others.  I have confidence in you.

Wishing you a life filled with kindness and respect,

Judy Helm Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

2400 West Central, Missoula, MT 59801  USA

Connect on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/judyhwright