Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

Time To Talk To Teens – Or Not

If you are a parent of a teen or tween you will recognize that this age group does not always practice delayed gratification.

Talking to teens about texting and online comments is an important part of teaching lifeskills

Many also have poor impulse control, especially when around their peer group.  They may not have life experience enough to recognize for every action there is a reaction.

In writing my latest book on bullies and specifically, cyberbullies, I have found there is a real missed connection on pushing send on the cell phone without thinking if that was the real message they wanted to convey. There may be serious consequences if they are accused of threatening, stalking or flaming someone online.

Parents need to have open talks about what can happen if they are cyberbullied or how to prevent being seen as a bully by others.  This is an important topic to discuss.

Hints To Make Communication Easier

Don’t… Talk to teen in the morning when she is focusing on the day ahead or is not fully awake.

Do… Talk to your teen when she is most open to conversing with you.  Adolescents tend to be more talkative at night, so take advantage of their “inner clock.”

Don’t …Make steady eye contact.

Do…Start a conversation in the car while driving home from an activity she enjoyed. Teens are most likely to open up when they don’t feel you are staring directly at them.

Don’t…Wait until you have their undivided attention before starting a serious conversation.  They will anticipate and classify the talk as a lecture.

Do….Talk to them when they are engaged in another activity or project that is not too distracting.  You will have much better luck getting them to share feelings, fears and frustrations while they are shooting hoops, eating pizza or riding in the car. We have had good luck discussing life with a teen while painting a fence or wall.

Don’t…Ask general questions such as “How was your day?”

Do…Be specific and be sure to word your question in a positive manner.  For example, you could say “What did your teacher think about your book report?”

Don’t…Share your thoughts immediately after your teen is finished speaking or even a worse choice is to interrupt their long monolog to change the subject.

Do…Allow extra time before responding.  Teens, especially boys, need extra time to sort through feelings and gather their thoughts and can’t always express them at once.

Don’t… Accuse them of being a cyberbully or of having sent mean or inappropriate messages on FaceBook, MySpace or online groups.

Do… Mention that you have often regretted saying something when you could see that it had hurt someone else. But when you could see their facial expression, you were sorry and apologized.  When you push the send button, you may be saying something hurtful and not realize it.

Don’t….Ignore this topic and hope it will go away. It is constantly growing larger and more dangerous as younger and younger children have access to electronic communication.

Do… Talk to your children and teens about “Pause before pushing send.”  Teach them to think before responding to messages or sending them on to others.  Help them to understand the power and permanence of online communication.

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all:

If you are the parent of a 14 year old girl, bless you.  This is a stage and age of drama, drama, drama. They often use a loud voice and tears to get attention and make sure they are heard and seen.  They want to be part of the “in group.”  They want to fit in and have a fear of being out of synch with friends and the popular girls.  If this includes bashing someone on Facebook or Twitter, so be it.  They would never consider themselves as cyberbullys, but many are.

Sometimes girls at this age have difficulty listening to parents, especially moms.  Girls get into arguments with their parents again, especially mothers, over curfews and friends.  There are also lots of squabbles over homework, clothes and helping around the house.  Girls of fourteen love to complain about their parents online to their friends and friends of friends and friends of friends.

Ramifications On Online Posts

Because they lack the control of more mature girls, they may say and do things online that they later regret.  They do not have the experience to recognize the long lasting effects of posting hurtful  and hateful things online.  One young girl I know was angry with her mom because she was not allowed to go to a party.  Ten years ago, there would have been tears, pleading, doors slamming and ultimate forgiveness on everyone’s part.

Instead, this girl went to her room where her computer was (bad,bad idea…keep all computers in an area where there is a chance of an adult walking by) and posted a slam on  her mother’s Facebook account.  She was so angry at her mom that she posted that her mother hit her and abused the kids who were in her daycare.  This was a lie and almost got her mother turned over to authorities.

Think and Pause Before Hitting Send

Even though it is hard to talk to your 14 year old daughter about cyberbullying and online posting, it is imperative that she understand what might happen when you hit send too soon.

In face to face interactions, you can gauge the reaction and modify your remarks, but online it is anonymous.  Once a post is online it is out there forever and ever.  Help your daughter to understand that her quick posts and blasts may be hurting others needlessly.  Help her to see that she could easily become a cyberbully and that is not the kind of reputation she or you want.

I have confidence in you.

Your friend,  Judy H. Wright

14 year old girls are very interested in interpersonal relationships. They may not be aware of dangers online.