Hazing – Tradition or Tragedy

In America kids have been back in school for a couple of months. Athletic teams have been selected. After school groups and clubs have formed. There has been a migration for those who want to find a group to either finding that community or feeling even more isolated and alone.

Recent blog posts and articles  have dealt with the one who was left out, the victim or the target. We have discussed the bully and what motivates the bullying actions, and we have written about  the bystander who does not speak up or even worse, encourages the bullying

We have even talked about what makes us do what we do. Why do we bully or give in to bullies or stand by while someone else is being bullied.

Most hazing by groups is a tradition, but it is very easy for the humiliation to escalate and become a tragedy.

As I have talked and shred many times, it is a fine line between being teased or taunted and being bullied.  It is the pattern of abuse and the intent which defines bullying.

Is hazing considered bullying?

Players Change But Hazing Continues

How about the kid who finally makes it on the team or into the fraternity and wants to retain that status.  It is no longer the hidden push in the locker room, but now an organized and sanctioned group “ritual” that has been going on for years.

In some schools, the incoming freshman are required to carry the books for the senior classmates.  It has always been done, they say.  It is a time honored tradition and just helps the freshman to know the school and meet kids who are in upper grades.

A  recent Family Circle Magazine (April 1, 1010) article stated “Most kids can recognize hazing when it happens to others, but a staggering 90% of victims are unable to admit that they have been hazed.”  Is it that they want to belong so much, that it is worth the price of a little embarrassment or humiliation?

Willing To Participate No Justification For Doing It

Most teens allow themselves to be hazed because they don’t know how to stop it.  The consequences can be just as severe for a child who is being hazed as if he/she were being bullied. One young man told me recently; “Well, at least with hazing, I can stand it because I know it will end when soccer season ends.”

But will it end there?  Will those who are in the position of power enjoy that rush of leadership, no matter how warped it is.  Will they search to find other targets or even continue picking on those who were willing to be hazed in a certain setting.

Bullying and Hazing Are About an Imbalance of Power

Whenever one has power over another it creates an atmosphere of dominance.  That is not character building, but soul destroying.

Questions To Think About

1. Have you ever witnessed a hazing or teasing that went too far?
2. What did you do and how did you feel?
3. Has a gang , group or individual ever told you that “this will build character and it has always been done this way” while embarrassing or humiliating you?
4. If you were being hazed would you feel powerless?
5. Will you reflect on these feelings the next time you are in a situation to haze or tease someone else?

Please claim your free report on resources to help in bullying situations at http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

What Is Girl Bullying And How Can You Help

Girls bullying is a huge problem in and out of our schools and society today. More and more we are seeing violence by girls as well as against girls. This problem of “mean girls who form cliques or gangs” is international in nature.

Bullying, teasing, taunting and threatening does not always have to be physical nor does it have to take place in school. Many shopping malls are gathering places for bullies and gangs. Cyber bullying is extremely prevalent today and can be accomplished by texting and posting on social media groups.

Definition of Bullying

Bullying off line or electronically is an imbalance of power. It includes the process of intimidating or mistreating somebody weaker

Online bullies have become an international problem. Girls are more likely to send embarrasing and humilating text messages than boys. If a boy breaks up with a girl, it is the girl who is blamed and taunted by other girls.

or in a more vulnerable situation.  It can include harassment, maltreatment, singling out or exclusion as well as other forms of discrimination.

What Can Parent Do

There are a few things that you can do to help your daughter if you suspect she is being bullied

The first thing that you can do as a parent is to make sure that your daughter knows that you are there for her. It does not hurt to state that fact occasionally even if you do not suspect bullying. Knowing that you will communicate and listen without judgment or rushing in to solve her problems creates an atmosphere where she will use you as a sounding board.

You should also be aware of the schools policy on bullying and cyber bullying. This can be as simple as reading the handbook that the school sends home with your child. Make sure your daughter is also aware of it. Encourage open conversation and ask her to read the policy. It helps to know that there are solutions to every problem. It just takes some creative thinking to problem-solve..

Violence Does Not Solve Violence

Encourage her to ignore the bullying if possible. Many times a victim will get fed up and retaliate after a prolong period of being bullied, and then will be the one accused of fighting or being a bully.

You may want to gently ask the lunch aide or teacher what they have observed.  Make sure you are not making a mountain out of a molehill.  It may be age appropriate teasing and joking around.  If not, then do take steps to confront the issue.

If you suspect your daughter is being cyber bullied check. Ask to look at her email or text messages. This is an extreme step but catching cyber bullying early may be a key step. Try to do this in a way that is non-threatening to your daughter.

Internet Safety

If you suspect your child is being bullied keep the evidence you will need it if it goes to court. Make sure that your child is not in any physical or emotional danger by bringing it to the authority’s attention as soon as possible. Make sure that you daughter knows what to do if she is being bullied and make sure she knows where to go for safety if the bullying turns physical.

Make sure you are informed about cyber bullying, girl bullying and the laws regarding it. In order to stop this new trend parents and students need to know the consequences and that there is help out there. Bullying in any form is not a laughing matter.

To be completely informed about safety on the internet and how to safeguard your family, please claim your report at   http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/101safetytips You will be glad you have gathered this information.

I have confidence in you.

Thank you for joining this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

As a victim, you are surrendering your power over to others so that they drive the events of your life. I just read this statement in a Twitter post about confidence.  It really struck me how much power a bully takes or is given by those who are targeted.

Bullying is About Power

When choosing a victim, bullies typically target children who have few or no friends.  If a child has at least one significant friend in school,

If your child has at least one significant friend, he will be less likely to be bullied and can more easily cope with effects of bullying should it occur.

he or she is less likely to be bullied and is usually better equipped to find solutions.

In doing research for my book The Left Out Child- The Importance of Friendship I was struck by how isolated some children are in the playground politics.  Often, it takes very little to help the child learn social skills that will draw others to him/her as friends.  Simply learning how to invite a person to play or ask to join a group game already in progress.

When adults can help strengthen the victims of bullying and teach positive ways to interact with others, both the target and the bully will benefit.  As will all of society.

Teach Assertiveness Skills

If a victim has been repeatedly bullied, they may find it very difficult to stand up to the bully and will try to avoid a confrontation at all costs.  One reason is that the bully is very good in reading body language and non-verbal clues and has learned to look for vulnerabilities in others.  If there is intervention early in the conflict, the victim may be able to shift the power and no longer be dominated.

If a potential victim or target maintains his/her composure, stands firm and consistently continues to speak in a calm voice with conviction, the bully will go elsewhere. Allow the teasing, taunting and insults to flow off your back.  Do not take them personally.

Assertive means standing firm.  It is not easy to gain this skill and may need to be practiced at home.  Have some words and body language ready when a bully tells you that you are ugly, stupid, gay or any of the other thousands of slams that bullies use on victims. Stand straight up and look the bully in the eye and don’t let him/or her see that what they have said has upset you.

Recognize that it is the bully who has the problem, not you.  He/she is looking for someone he can make feel smaller so that he/she can feel more powerful.  Don’t give them the satisfaction.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

PS: If your child is very shy, you will benefit from claiming a free ebook at http://www.UseEncouragingWords.com

Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want to raise our children to have respect for all

Do you remember your own childhood? Did your siblings tease or taunt you? Did you pick on others who were smaller or less powerful than you were? Was it a chore to go to recess for fear of being called mean names or excluded from games? Were others in your class mean or unkind to you because of something that you could not help?  Do you still carry those scars with you as an adult?

Bullying, intimidation and inter-personal conflict are encountered by all of us at one time or another during our lives. If we were lucky, we had caring adults who helped us problem solve and recognize that the teasing had little to do with us and more with the thought process of the bully.

Bullying is about Power

Bullying is deliberate psychological, emotional and/or physical harassment of a person.  It can be one bully to one target, as in families. Or it can be group or gang oriented. Many children engage in bullying every day.  Even though each child and circumstance is unique, those who bully or demean others in order to gain power do share some common characteristics.

• Likes to make fun of others
• Prone to violence when  things don’t go their way
• Aggressive with adults and siblings
• Enjoys extremely physical contact activities
• Has a manipulative personality
• Likes to blame others
• Frequently bends the rules
• Enjoys the power of being a leader and having followers
• Lacks impulse control

Why Do Some Kids Bully and Some Don’t?

When I was interviewing kids about friendship for my book The Left Out Child it was very obvious that there is a shorthand on the playground.  Everyone knows who is in the popular group, the jocks, the brains and the weird ones.  There is constant jockeying for position to be included and involved with the group. There is a hunger for acceptance and approval in every level, including home.

Those kids who do not give in to the temptation to tease or threaten others have developed social skills and have learned to find other ways to fit in and get along.

Adults Need to Teach and Model Respect

Children need to be shown other methods of solving problems by the important adults in their lives. Children see family and adult dynamics as how they should act in social situations. It will take a village to teach and show respect and kindness to one another.

We can do it. The world is counting on the next generation to be more peaceful than the last.

Protect Your Child From Cyber Bullying

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, in person or over the internet, perpetrated by an individual or a group, one thing is consistent and that it is harmful to the target and the bully. Bullies who do not know or learn how to act with kindness and respect for others will always have flawed and dysfunctional relationships. Those who have been victimized and targeted for abuse are more likely to be depressed, to feel isolated, anxious, and to have low self-esteem.  They are also more likely to think about suicide.

Bullying Hurts Everyone

The world has always had bullies and now the internet has expanded the opportunities for teasing, taunting and harmful cyber-bullying online.  Many parents are caught unaware that their children may be involved in either bullying or being bullied by so-called friends and associates.

Almost one in four children between the ages of 11 and 19 has been the victim of cyber bullying. Nearly 35% of kids have been threatened online and about 75% have visited a Web site bashing another student. These studies are researched based, but my own causal conversations with students in the halls and playgrounds at school show them to be true and maybe even a little low.  It has become a scary world when one can be stalked, threatened and verbally bashed on a cell phone or computer.  Once the images or words are out there, they are literally there forever.

The psychological and emotional outcomes of cyber-bullying are similar to real-life bullying outcomes and can have serious aftereffects. As I interview experts and young adults about this problem it is very real and very damaging to self esteem, confidence and mental well being.  Many of the students tell me they hate school because the teasing can start there.  But then it can also go on all day, every day and everywhere.

Home Should be a Safe Place

Unfortunately, most parents and caregivers don’t know what to do about cyber bullying. This is new territory for parents who grew up and survived the playground politics.  Many parents are so busy and so tired (see previous post on Too Tired to Parent) that they are missing the clues of a stressed out child.

Find out how to monitor your child’s use of the Internet and cell phones without making them feel embarrassed or overtly supervised. Create open communication and discover how to respond if your child initiates or receives threats.

Prevention Tips Suggested By Students

• Teach us how to deal with conflict.
• Monitor our use of the computer.
• Supervise but don’t snoop
• Don’t freak out if I tell you something in confidence.
• Ask me how I want you to handle it.
• Don’t blame or shame me for being a victim

You can protect your child from cyberbullying.  You can give kids a sense of safety and security by teaching them how to set boundaries, how to judge if a problem is a big one that needs adult help or a small one they can work out themselves.  As you work together to practice setting boundaries and speaking in an assertiveness voice, you will find more confidence in yourself and empathy for others.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.