Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want to raise our children to have respect for all

Do you remember your own childhood? Did your siblings tease or taunt you? Did you pick on others who were smaller or less powerful than you were? Was it a chore to go to recess for fear of being called mean names or excluded from games? Were others in your class mean or unkind to you because of something that you could not help?  Do you still carry those scars with you as an adult?

Bullying, intimidation and inter-personal conflict are encountered by all of us at one time or another during our lives. If we were lucky, we had caring adults who helped us problem solve and recognize that the teasing had little to do with us and more with the thought process of the bully.

Bullying is about Power

Bullying is deliberate psychological, emotional and/or physical harassment of a person.  It can be one bully to one target, as in families. Or it can be group or gang oriented. Many children engage in bullying every day.  Even though each child and circumstance is unique, those who bully or demean others in order to gain power do share some common characteristics.

• Likes to make fun of others
• Prone to violence when  things don’t go their way
• Aggressive with adults and siblings
• Enjoys extremely physical contact activities
• Has a manipulative personality
• Likes to blame others
• Frequently bends the rules
• Enjoys the power of being a leader and having followers
• Lacks impulse control

Why Do Some Kids Bully and Some Don’t?

When I was interviewing kids about friendship for my book The Left Out Child it was very obvious that there is a shorthand on the playground.  Everyone knows who is in the popular group, the jocks, the brains and the weird ones.  There is constant jockeying for position to be included and involved with the group. There is a hunger for acceptance and approval in every level, including home.

Those kids who do not give in to the temptation to tease or threaten others have developed social skills and have learned to find other ways to fit in and get along.

Adults Need to Teach and Model Respect

Children need to be shown other methods of solving problems by the important adults in their lives. Children see family and adult dynamics as how they should act in social situations. It will take a village to teach and show respect and kindness to one another.

We can do it. The world is counting on the next generation to be more peaceful than the last.

Hello from Montana:

Just as your sweet little baby turns into a tyrant at two years old, your cooperative ten year old is changing also. Previously devoted to parents and other important adults and wanting to please them, now at eleven they are experiencing the beginning of the end of childhood. Though not  yet a teenager, eleven very often behaves as if he/she were an adolescent.

Makes Family Life a Battlefield

A child of this age makes little or no effort to cooperate in even the most minor ways, especially for the mom.  Eleven year old pre-adolesents tend to be at their worst with their mother.  They flare up with anger against restrictions and chores.  They also quarrel with siblings and get very angry very easily. They display their worst attitudes at home and that should give you some comfort.Teachers and youth leaders will usually be surprised if you describe the way the eleven year old acts at home.

Encourage Empathy and Kindness

Much of the obnoxious behavior can be attributed to sheer inexperience in making interpersonal relationships work. You can assist them in treating others with kindness by making it a family rule. A child will be less likely to tease or put her peers down if you make getting along with others a priority. The best way to get this relationship life skill to become a habit, is to praise others when they are kind.  Mention how it makes you feel when others treat you with respect.

When you make a habit of saying complimentary things about people and their accomplishments, your child will be likely to do so as well.

Teach About Appropriate Uses of Power

The desire for power is the primary reason for teasing, taunting and bullying others. Perhaps no other age gets on as badly as the eleven year old does with siblings.  Younger brothers and sisters may know that the fuse of anger is short, and so deliberately tease, needle or joke about him/her and even get into their private possessions.  Then when trouble occurs, the older one gets in trouble.

The fact is that a child who bullies others is not necessarily a troublemaker, but may need to learn more communication skills. Nor is the one being teased necessarily a victim.It is important to teach the difference between aggression, passive and assertive behavior.  Assertive behavior will build self confidence and help determine boundaries in relationships.

Choose To Get Along

Helping siblings recognize their options when rivalry or teasing occurs at home, will also help them navigate the school ground politics.  It is important that they understand you do not need to put others down in order to feel powerful.  You already have your own power- over his/her own behavior and over how to react if others tease them.

All children and adults need to learn empathy and to treat others with respect.

I have confidence in you.

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If your family is having serious child behavior issues, please go to http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be glad you did.