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Posts Tagged ‘respect for all’

Bully, Bullied and Bystander

Friday, October 8th, 2010

Hello from Montana,

Thanks for visiting this blog and joining a community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Dr. Phil McGraw is also part of this community against cyberbullying.

My goal as a “BullyAdvocate” is to:

  • Empower the bully to gain empathy and other ways of communication
  • Empower the victim or target to gain skills in assertiveness and setting boundaries
  • Empower the bystander to speak up and let others know that cruel behavior is not cool

According to National Association of School Psychologists, about one in seven schoolchildren has either been a bully or the target of a bully.

What If Your Child Is The Bully

Bullies come in all sizes, shapes and temperaments.  They may come for a dysfunctional home, but may also come from a great home with parents who care deeply and are mystified as to why their child would deliberately hurt or abuse someone else.

It may be teasing that got out of hand. It might be revenge. It might be part of “group think” or power of peer pressure.  It may be behavior that mimics what was seen in a movie or television show.  It can also be that the personality is manipulative and self-centered.

No matter why or how your child tries to dominate others, it is important to teach empathy and kindness.  Helping a child who has been bullying others for power or attention, may

As many bullies as there are in the world, the one common denominator is a desire for power. They want to win at all costs.

If your child
What To Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

The first thing to do is remain calm and remember you are the adult, not the child you were when you were being bullied in the third grade. Listen to your child’s story and reinforce that you want to help him/her solve the problem and what would they prefer you do to help.  It is important to let them know it is not their fault and that there are mean people in the world who deliberately hurt others with words or actions.

If your child needs social skill training, help them role play some responses to the bully.  Teach them about being assertive and give them some words to say that will deflect the bullies anger or hurtful conduct. You will find some great exercises and techniques  in my book and classes at

Children who are different in some way or have behaviors that annoy or amuse their school mates still have a right to be treated with respect and kindness. But, as parents, we may need to coach our children in ways to increase “likeabilty.”

Bullied kids feel helpless and hopeless. This can lead to depression.

What if Your Child Witnesses Violence?

Remember to empower young  people by reminding them they are strong and capable and that you have confidence in them. Help them to see that they have a voice and a choice not only in their actions but in their reactions.

If they have witnessed bullying but did not speak up, they will be traumatized and feel they have betrayed their value system.  Help them to understand the power of the word.  A single word of kindness  or a pat on the arm can make the difference in not only how the victim feels but how they feel about the situation.

Practice with them as they speak in a polite assertive voice “Hey cut it out.” Or,  “Please stop. No one deserves to be treated that way.”

There are no winners in a bullying situation. The bully, the bullied and the bystander all suffer in some way.

By teaching respect and kindness for all, we can build a better world.  For more information, please see and leave a comment or claim your free report on bullying.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright

Conflict or Fight – Choose Other Options To Get Along

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Thanks for joining our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all,

Conflict, disagreements, irritations and personality clashes go on with each one of us daily.  It is normal in families, schools, friendships and workplaces for there to be a difference of opinion. This is an area of life that needs social skills and interpersonal communications in order to coexist peacefully.  Many parents and adults do not know how to avoid or handle conflict so how can they best teach children?

Children Model Our Behavior

Adults need to be adults and not try to solve children’s fights and squabbles on the child’s level.  If they are yelling and screaming,

Adults need to model ways to solve conflicts. Build life skills in choosing other options to fighting.

it does not help for the adult to yell at them to stop screaming. And yes, I have done that.

Our goal is to teach children and young adults methods of conflict resolution that will be respectful of all parties concerned.  No situation will ever be completely fair to everyone involved. Win-win is a good goal, but often not accomplished. But it is possible to find other solutions that allow everyone to win some thing.

Adults need to model not only the problem solving methods but the words to say that will encourage cooperation.

Teach Kids To Problem Solve

At parenting classes, at elementary schools I often recommend the program called Kelso’s Choice.  This teaches how to determine if a problem is a big problem (needs adult intervention) or a small problem (can be solved by trying a few different choices).

Here are some of the positive choices a child can make instead of becoming angry or bullying to get their way in a conflict.

  • Go to another game or activity. Find something else to do.
  • Share and take turns.
  • Talk it out. Use “I phrases”
  • Walk away.  Take some time to think things through.
  • Ignore it. You can always find a calm spot in your mind.
  • Tell them to stop.  Important use of body language.
  • Apologize for your part in the conflict.
  • Make a deal.  Compromise.
  • Wait and cool off. Tell the other person “I have to have some time to cool off.”

Conflict, Cooperation and Communication

Those suggestions and choices are pretty good for adults and kids.  Maybe next time we are faced with a co-worker who keeps interrupting us, a child who is throwing a temper tantrum, or a spouse, who insists he knows the directions, we can review the list and choose other options to get along.

Warmly, Judy H. Wright

PS: Be sure to claim your free e-Book at