Hello from Montana:

Just as your sweet little baby turns into a tyrant at two years old, your cooperative ten year old is changing also. Previously devoted to parents and other important adults and wanting to please them, now at eleven they are experiencing the beginning of the end of childhood. Though not  yet a teenager, eleven very often behaves as if he/she were an adolescent.

Makes Family Life a Battlefield

A child of this age makes little or no effort to cooperate in even the most minor ways, especially for the mom.  Eleven year old pre-adolesents tend to be at their worst with their mother.  They flare up with anger against restrictions and chores.  They also quarrel with siblings and get very angry very easily. They display their worst attitudes at home and that should give you some comfort.Teachers and youth leaders will usually be surprised if you describe the way the eleven year old acts at home.

Encourage Empathy and Kindness

Much of the obnoxious behavior can be attributed to sheer inexperience in making interpersonal relationships work. You can assist them in treating others with kindness by making it a family rule. A child will be less likely to tease or put her peers down if you make getting along with others a priority. The best way to get this relationship life skill to become a habit, is to praise others when they are kind.  Mention how it makes you feel when others treat you with respect.

When you make a habit of saying complimentary things about people and their accomplishments, your child will be likely to do so as well.

Teach About Appropriate Uses of Power

The desire for power is the primary reason for teasing, taunting and bullying others. Perhaps no other age gets on as badly as the eleven year old does with siblings.  Younger brothers and sisters may know that the fuse of anger is short, and so deliberately tease, needle or joke about him/her and even get into their private possessions.  Then when trouble occurs, the older one gets in trouble.

The fact is that a child who bullies others is not necessarily a troublemaker, but may need to learn more communication skills. Nor is the one being teased necessarily a victim.It is important to teach the difference between aggression, passive and assertive behavior.  Assertive behavior will build self confidence and help determine boundaries in relationships.

Choose To Get Along

Helping siblings recognize their options when rivalry or teasing occurs at home, will also help them navigate the school ground politics.  It is important that they understand you do not need to put others down in order to feel powerful.  You already have your own power- over his/her own behavior and over how to react if others tease them.

All children and adults need to learn empathy and to treat others with respect.

I have confidence in you.

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If your family is having serious child behavior issues, please go to http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com

You will be glad you did.

“He is picking on me because I have big ears.” “I hate school.” “Nobody likes me.” “My friend called me fat.” “Someone texted lies about me.” “Mom, you have to do something.”

As I teach parenting classes around the country, many lovely well-dressed, calm and intelligent women confide in me that they turn into a Mother Lion when their children are threatened. They are embarrassed to admit to the whole group but share privately that no holds are barred when a bully picks on their baby.

They say that all of their protective instincts rise up and they become ready to do battle. I know how they feel, because I have felt those same feelings when my child was teased or bullied. But my children let me know in no uncertain terms that if I over reacted, they would not share any more confidences with me. This may have happened to you as well.

What’s A Mother To Do?

It is so easy to have a knee jerk reaction when our children are being teased, taunted or bullied by others. Our minds immediately jump back to sixth grade when we too were teased or picked on. We remember how horrible we felt and we want to protect our son or daughter from going through the same pain.

We want to expose the bully and teach him a lesson. And while we are at it, we are going to say the things we couldn’t say 25 years ago. We want to fix this problem and we want to make the world a safer place, or at least one little corner of the playground.

Remember We Are Adults

No matter how angry we are about teasing, taunting or bullies, we need to support our children as a rational sounding board. Focus on your child by asking questions (not interrogating) and remain calm.

Tell your child that you are concerned about him or her and will do what you can to help. Perhaps the child will simply want to talk about it, or may want to do some role playing on words to say. Empower your child by asking what they want your next step to be.

You may want to talk to the teacher or principal and ask them what they have observed. They will be in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and others. They may want to keep a closer eye on things or bring the subject of empathy and kindness up in the classroom, without using names or specifics.

Big Problem or Small Conflict

It is scary for children to see their parents act like children. They are embarrassed when an over-protective parent scoops down to save them. It makes them feel even more victimized and helpless.

They need adults who will help them solve problems and to find solutions. They do not need or want their moms to attack or bully the bully. It may have been a one time incidence or a misunderstood rough housing on the playground. By next week, they may very well be best friends.

They want their story to be heard and they want to have the power to say what happens to them in their lives as much as possible.

Fine Line of Parenting

As parents, we walk a thin line between being nurturing, loving and understanding role models. If we are too over protective, they will not learn the negotiating skills necessary to survive socially in life. However, if we react too strongly to tales of teasing, we may miss giving them some necessary social skills.

However, if we ignore what they are telling us, or dismiss their concerns they may feel we don’t care.

Mother Lioness nurtures the inner strength of your child and follow his/her lead in making sense of the Playground jungle.

I have confidence in you. Listen to your heart and your child and you will know what to do next if your child is being teased or picked on.