“Tween” girls, those who are between 9 to 12 usually form some kind of an informal group or club.  Adults call it a clique, a french word for coterie, which means a close very exclusive and selective group of friends and members.  There is often the odd girl out of the group or favor of the Queen Bee and her troop of Wannabees.

The popular girls are not necessarily the nicest and most welcoming into the clique.  They may not even be the most well liked.  They are, however, the most feared and obeyed.  Girls of this age can be extremely cruel in the way they exclude those they feel are social liabilities or deserve to be punished.

Tween and teen girls need to belong to a group or clique. It is scary to be alone and they want to fit in. but at what costs?

Girls need to belong

During this vulnerable time of changing hormones and transitions in middle school, most girls feel too vulnerable to face the word alone and need the security of the group to provide strength and a sense of belonging.  Much like the playground politics where younger kids learn the unspoken rules of conduct and  who is the ‘head honcho’ this is the way that girls learn what is expected of them, in dress, attitude and performance.

Scary to be alone

When girls find their group and are accepted into the clique, they seem to relax. They know they will have someone to eat lunch with and to call after school. They know that the group will tell them if their hair is too short or the jeans need to be tighter.  In a group, girls can observe boys and giggle about them safely.  Most girls feel too vulnerable to face the halls of school, the mall or life without the protection and guidance of the group.

It is no wonder that many girls will go against their value system and bully others, or at least not speak up when some one is being picked on or teased.  She values her position within the group so much that she will deny her intelligence or superior athletic ability if that is not a chosen standard for the group.

Odd girl out

Adolescent girls are usually insecure about who they are and worry constantly about life and their place in the scheme of things.  They are pretty self centered and find it hard to see beyond their own needs and insecurities.

They tend to take rejection personally and feel that any slight was because of something they did or did not do.  One of the most important things a parent can do is to help the daughter to  look at things through a wider lens. Perhaps Sally could not spend the night, but she still may want to hang out together at the mall.  Help her to see that there are many solutions to each situation, never just one right or wrong answer.

Questions to think about

• Why do you think it is important to feel a part of the group at this age?
• Do you think girls are meaner than boys?
• How could you help your daughter to develop a network of friends?
• Is it important to be in the ‘popular’ group for your daughter? Why?

Adolescents is a scary time for girls and boys.  Sometimes it feels like the law of the jungle in the halls of a middle school. The more you can model empathy and kindness, the more your child will develop a strong sense of self, no matter what clique or group she is in.  You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Bullying is much more common in schools, churches and organizations than most adults realize. Children or teens who are harassed in this way or watch as others are victimized will often keep quiet about the matter, feeling that they may be in danger if they were to alert an adult.

When it comes to facts about bullying in schools, one should first realize that there are many different types of bullying, including, physical bullying, psychological bullying, and social bullying and of course cyberbullying, which is becoming more violent and threatening each day.

Definition of Bullying

Bullying is an act or pattern of acts to humiliate, intimidate and embarrass others in an effort to gain power or status.  Goals and methods  of bullying may take varying forms depending on the situation.

Traditionally, bullying has taken place in person, between two individuals or small groups.  Most bullies do not want to be observed or the incident to be reported. However, there are times when larger groups or gangs of people gather to observe and inadvertently contribute to the victimization by their inaction or encouraging of the bully.

School should be a safe and nurturing enviroment. For many children and teens it is filled with violence and intimidation.

Cyberbullying or online bullying is when someone uses electronic methods to post or share intimidating, embarrassing photos, threatening or cruel statements. This is a method that is also used to manipulate feelings and encourage others to do something they ordinarily would not do.

Because this is a fairly new problem for families and individuals around the world, there is a lot of controversy on how to best deal with the offenders.

Playground Politics

Bullies are usually very easy to identify. Ask the children.  They are very much aware of the playground politics and can name the different groups easily. They know who is in the   popular group, the academics, the jocks, the neglected, the accepted and the unaccepted.

Kids tend to have an instinct on who is “in” and who is “out.”  This division is one of the underlying causes of bystander bullies.  Many kids who are on the fringe of a group are hesitant to rock the boat by standing up for the victim for fear they will lose their standing in the group and the bully will then turn on them.

Combating School Yard Bullies

There is ample research  which shows how children have historically victimized each other in both large and small ways. Children are often oblivious to the rights of others. Only on rare occasions do they defend other children who are being victimized by bullies.

In a study done in Canadian schools in 1995 researchers discovered acts of bullying took place at a rate of 4.5 times each hour, by placing video cameras on school playgrounds. Of the sample group in this study it was found that 54 per cent of the students passively stood by and watched the bully victimize another student, while 21 per cent actively modeled the bully and only 25 per cent actually intervened on behalf of the bully.

Please ask your school district to invest in Bully Prevention Programs.

Hello from Montana: The following is a comment and the post I commented on. Enjoy

Thank you so much for this post. It really resonated with me; 1) because my grandkids are all so empathic and

Empathy and respect are taught life skills. How you treat animals is usually how you treat other living things.

have been raised to treat all life with respect 2) because I am writing a new book on bullying and especially cyber-bullying.  Many children do not make the connection between their actions and the reactions on others.

Project Chickens before the Eggs – Lesson 108 – Dangling Frogs and empathy

guest post by Wendy Thomas – Simple Thrift

Yesterday at the community pool, some children found a small frog in the grass. One girl proceeded to pick the amphibian up by one of it’s long back legs and dangled it in front of my son’s face trying to frighten him. Other children gathered round in interest.

“Cut it out”, my son angrily said.

I saw this happening and I knew that he meant cut-out-the-hurting-of-the-frog, and not cut-out-the-trying-to-annoy-me. His concern was for the creature being tortured. The girl thinking that she was succeeding in upsetting my son intensified her assault by holding the frog even closer to his face.

I could see that my son was getting more and more frantic as he watched the frog hung upside down struggling desperately to get away from what had it in its grasps. It was pawing the air and violently twisting in its struggle.

“That’s mean,” one of my daughters said. “That’s really mean.”

The girl was not going to let go of the frog, to her, the sport was too much fun.

After waiting a few seconds to see what would happen, I walked over to the group and told them that this was not going to continue. We needed to get the frog safely over the fence and into the nearby grass. I told them all. The girl put the frog down and my daughter gently picking it up in her hands, walked over it to the fence and placing it on the other side where it would be safe from kids and girls who wanted to tease boys.

When we got into the car to go home, my son, a young man of few words simply said “I didn’t like that.”

None of us did.

I’m not saying that my kids are perfect little angels. On occasion they have been known to hit, scratch, and even pull each others’ hair. But what I will say is that when you invite animals (yes, even chickens) into your life something wonderful happens. When those animals are dependent on you for their food, water, and shelter, and when you discover that animals have intelligence and personalities, it makes a difference. A big difference.

You realize that all are connected and all are worthy of respect and empathy. Even the youngest child learns that to harm another, even a lowly frog, is to do injustice to the greater whole. When you invite animals to share in your life, you discover that when someone bigger and stronger harms something smaller and defenseless, it creates damages to everyone.

It’s not a good thing and you don’t like it.

Because of the dogs, cats, gerbils, hermit crabs, and many chickens we have had and continue to have in our lives, my kids have fully embraced that pain and violence to another creature is always wrong and unacceptable.

And that’s something I like.

Simple Thrift – creative living on less

Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all,

Bullies have always been around.  Those who want all the power take it from those who appear to be less powerful.  Although we are used to seeing a bullying  or sexual coercion experience s one that is essentially between two parties, the victim and the offender, there is a third group involved.  That important part of triangle is the bystander or witness.

Bystander Bullies

Important research has been done by Ken Rigby and Bruce Johnson from the School of Education at the University of South Australia.

Bullies will often stop if a bystander or witness speaks up. Bystanders can help either directly or indirectly.

Their ground breaking studies have shown that while most bullying and sexual coercion takes place in at school and in the presence of bystanders, teachers are rarely present or find out what happened.

Although bystanders sometime will speak out to discourage the bullying, the most common response is to ignore what is going on and thus the bullying continues.

Step Up and Speak Out

When a witness or bystander does speak up and object to the treatment of a fellow classmate, in more than half the cases the bullying actually stops. A large number of the children interviewed indicated that as bystanders they would ignore what was going on as “it is not my business.”  A small minority admitted they would not only ignore the victim, but would yell encouragement to the bully.

This seemed to be true especially in teenage boys.  Over half of the boys interviewed indicated they would, as bystanders and witnesses, ignore both physical and verbal bullying.  However, when it came to sexual coercion fewer students were prepared to ignore what was going on.  They either helped the victim directly or helped indirectly by telling a teacher or adult.  But, sadly, there were still twenty percent of the witnesses, mainly boys, who were prepared to ignore what was going on.

What To Teach Your Children

When one observes or witnesses trauma, it affects our spirit and sense of values.  There are no innocent bystanders.

Schools, churches, clubs, sports and other places where children gather need to be aware of the dynamics of the group and the opportunity of some to misuse power by bullying and sexually coercing others. The positive feelings and self esteem

that those who step up and defend victims are important and need to be congratulated and encouraged.  By encouraging empathy and courage, we can all empower the bystanders to not just stand by, but to speak up when there is bullying and sexual coercion occurring within our circle of influence.

I have confidence in you, Judy