Effects of Girls Who Bully Other Girls

Bullying can take many different forms especially in a society that values technology so highly. Text bullying and online bullies are quite common. In particular, a girl bullying victims will often be much more subtle in the tactics used.

Queen Bees and Wanna Bees

Girls will usually form groups and use these to their advantage, encouraging a group to gang up on one victim. The Queen Bee is the leader and holds the keys of power to the clique. It is she who dictates what to wear, how to talk, walk and befriend.

The Wanna Bees, the other girls in the clique are in fear of disappointing the leader of the pack.  They are eager to share the power and gain favor in the eyes of the other mean girls in the group.

All girls want to belong to a social group and have friends. Queen Bees, the leader of a clique, can decide their fate in school. It is all about power.

Effects of Cyberbullying

Because students prefer to use phones for texting rather than talking, many texts and messages fly through cyber air about who is in and who is out.

One seventh grade girl told me recently, “None of our fights were face to face, we were too afraid the teacher would catch us. It is easier to fight online, because you feel more powerful. You can also be as mean as you want to on FaceBook. It is kind of fun to “dis” somebody.”

Cyberdramas of Girls

If there is a conflict between teenage couples, surprisingly, the girls will blame the girl and want to “punish her.”  In the Phoebe Prince suicide in Massachusetts, even though  the boy and girl were no longer dating, when he started dating Phoebe, she was bullied and attacked.

The groups will usually pick and choose their members and exclude others, sometimes completely at random.

While it is normal for both girls and boys to form social groups and strong bonds that naturally exclude others, it becomes bullying when power plays over individuals or other groups are involved.

Questions on Girls and Cyberbullying – We welcome comments

• Why do you think girls turn against each other over the attention of a boy?
• Do all cultures have cliques of girls?
• Do you remember a Queen Bee from middle school?
• Why do you think it is important for a young girl to fit into a group?
• Is cyberbullying more dangerous than face-to-face bullying?

The Effects Of Bullying On Communities

Many communities, schools, and neighborhoods are facing the effects of bullying. Gangs and groups having one type of culture harass and fear another.

While it may seem a personal matter, it’s not. Bullying rapidly becomes a problem throughout the whole community, school, neighborhood or organization even while it may seem that just a few people are involved.

There are ways to tell if your community is becoming a target or is feeling the effects of bullying.

Many cultures make for an interesting diversity in a community. When there are "turf wars" it errodes the whole community.

• One group of individuals has priority over another
• Selective information or selective invites to community events
• No one wants to travel the streets or hallways by themselves

Fear of talking about the bullying situation. People would prefer to ignore what is going on or acknowledge that there is a problem.

Those in the group or out of the group are aware of their position within the group itself. When I was doing research for a book on children’s friendships, the kids know exactly who the popular kids, the controversial, the clowns etc are. Outsiders may not know, but those who are in the midst of the situation know the exact pecking order.

Fear Of The Unknown

Bullying comes in many forms but it usually involves fear of one type or another. This can be individual fear or group fear. Many fundamental churches fear the liberal segment of society and vice versa. Rather than communicate what each group has in common, it is easier to pull down or belittle those who do not think, look and act just like us.

Any type of subtle or overt bullying or harassment will not only affect one person or group but also steadily erode the confidence within the community.

Within a larger group you may find that one type of culture or one type of individual is not invited to share in community events, not informed of community events or is positioned on the outskirts of the event.

This is cultural bullying and will involve a whole cultural group of people. Personal or group bullying is similar but can cover differing cultures or peoples but still means one group is trying to show dominant power over another.

Exclusion or Inclusion

Exclusion of an individual can happen to anyone but it’s usually those who don’t conform or do not have a group of their own. We are much more alike than we are different.

While it’s devastating to the growth of community to not appreciate and celebrate diversity, to the individual it can actually be life threatening.

While we may not like or agree with all segments of our community, we do have an obligation to respect them and the choices they make.

Polarizing A Population

If one individual, group or segment of a community is pitted against another, there are no winners. When different “sides” or “points of view” separate rather than come together and agree to disagree, then we have an imbalance of power.

And that is a definition of bullying.

Please feel free to comment or share your thoughts.  This is one way we can get an open dialog going about the effects of bullying on communities. Check out http://cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/bullyingprevention

The Dangers Of Cell Phone Texting

In today’s modern world, children are starting to use technology earlier and earlier. There are very  few eight year olds who do not know how to send an email, check a profile on FaceBook, or send a text message. They are often teaching the adults in their lives how to text messages.

Before the wide use of cell phones, bullying typically began to escalate around the third grade, peaking by about eighth grade and tapering off in high school.  Those of us who do research and interviews on this subject, find it now starts earlier and lasts much longer.

Cell phone texting and online messages make it easier to cyberbully. Parents need to learn how to deal with this issue.

Cell Phones and Cyberbully

The combination of cyberspace, availability of cell phone and the internet and vulnerable children can be a recipe for disaster. Cell phone texting is one of the things that cyber bullies are using to harm those who they dislike or want to humiliate.

Cyberbullying may carry cruelty to new extremes. Because of the immediacy of cell phones teens who are in a bad mood may post a message they later regret.

There are those who use the cell phone as a weapon to taunt, tease and torture others.  Blasting is a phrase that has been used to describe a “blast” of private information posted online and passed around to a large group of followers.

Sexual Predators Are Looking For Victims

Bullies and sexual predators are taking advantage of these venues to target the younger generation. Everyone knows that young people are very adept at texting.

And while at one time words and fists were used to threaten those that were disliked, now bullies are turning to cell phones and computers as their secret weapons. And these are more effective at causing harm and humiliation than anyone ever dreamed of.

Adults Need  To Learn About The Dangers

One of the scariest things about cyber bullying is that it is hard for parents or other authorities to see or recognize. While a threatening scene in the school hall or cafeteria could have been visible to many, threatening texts are personal and only seen by the person to whom they are sent.

They may leave a child or teen frightened, vulnerable and emotionally scarred.

Empower Youth To Hit Delete

Experts say that most teenagers will not admit to receiving unfriendly or threatening texts because of fear and pride.

They do not want mommy coming to school to back them up; that would be embarrassing and make them more prone to humiliation. And perhaps they are afraid of being hurt if they tell someone.

More young people carry cell phones than ever before, and concern over text messaging safety is becoming more important. There are a few guidelines that should be followed to help keep teenagers safe.

Talk Often To Teens

They should never text personal information such as address, full name, or any other information or pictures that could lead a predator to them. Parents should also make sure that they talk to their children regularly about cyber bullying.

And if a situation becomes serious or threatening messages are sent, the authorities should be notified.

The more open the lines of communication between generations of caring adults, the more likely they are to report any issues.

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

Joan has just moved to a new school in a completely different part of town. Her parents had lost their jobs and their home had been foreclosed, so they were forced to move into a small, crowded apartment. The whole family was in turmoil and she was especially vulnerable.

She was not sure where she would fit in and how she would make new friends. Seventh grade is hard on girls anyway, and she was out of her comfortable element of old neighborhood, basketball team friends and school.

Victims Are Vulnerable

Girls bully by telling rumors, excluding, gossiping,teasing and texting humiliating messages.

Because she dressed in nice clothes that had been her style in the old neighborhood, girls thought she was snooty and called mean names like “Rich B….” and worse.  She became the target and victim of texting, teasing and threats in the hallways as well as the neighborhood.

Bullying Is About Power Imbalance

Before Joan could get a chance to figure out where her home room would be in school, the Queen Bee and her gang of Wannabees had targeted her for abuse. They decided they would teach her the pecking order and how far down the scale she was.

They began an orchestrated attack on Joan by using texting, cyberbullying, pushing, shoving, embarrassment and humiliation. By the end of the first week, Joan felt defeated and depressed.

Bullying Victims

Bullies tend to choose someone who they feel is inferior or insignificant to them in some way and use threatening and harmful tactics to make them cower. Or, they choose someone they feel is superior to them in some way and want to bring them to a lower position and exert their strength, power and authority.

Bullies will often steal from, abuse, trip, threaten, intimidate, call names, or spread rumors about someone that they dislike or that they feel may be threatening their position.

Bullying Facts

The American Psychological Association found in a 2001 study that over 17% of children in grades 6 through 10 had been bullied at some point during that time. Children who have targeted are often too afraid to ask for help from a teacher or parents.

In truth, no one likes a bully. Even those who claim to be friends of a bully are usually merely subjecting themselves to someone that they are fearful of. And most bullies will not hesitate even to turn on their friends, should circumstances necessitate it. At the same time, often the bully is seen as the cool guy in the class. People want to be his friend because they want to be cool, too. It really depends on how harsh the bullying really is. Some bullies just like to appear tough and intimidating while others are not afraid to physically injure those that they dislike.

Bullies Don’t Stop Bullying

Bullying tends to escalate and take place over a long period of time. What may start out as teasing or roughhousing may increase in intensity without intervention. As such, many situations continue and set up a pattern of abuse until it is either stopped by intervention of an adult or bystander.

In Joan’s case, a teacher intervened and got the girls into peer counseling. With the help of a trusted counselor the mean girls were persuaded to allow Joan to teach them some moves on the basketball court.  When they learned that she could benefit their school and them as individuals, they were more accepting  and tolerant.

Thoughts On Bullying and Harassment

1. Have you ever been bullied or singled out for harassment?
2. How did you handle it?
3. Have you ever been part of a group that bullied or harassed another?
4. What advice would you give to a young person like Joan who is being bullied?
5. How can you empower yourself when you feel vulnerable?

Thank you for sharing your comments and thoughts.  We welcome you to this community of kind thoughtful people who want respect for all.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

Taunting, Teasing and Traumatic

Thousands of children go to school every day full of fear.

They are the targets of bullies whose intended goal is to make their lives miserable. Whether the bullying consists of mental abuse like taunting and teasing or more outwardly acts of physical abuse, most bullies like to have an audience for their ruthless activities.

Their misery and loss of self esteem is often further compounded by the bystander bully, a witness who does nothing to intervene.

Many children are afraid to go to school because of teasing, taunting and bullying.

Without realizing it, those who idly watch can become victims themselves.

Bystander and Witness to The Crime

Whether or not they actually support and encourage the events or simply watch, the bystanders and witnesses are participants.

In many cases, the participation is involuntary and they can become victims too.

Bystanders can make a significant difference in exposing and stopping aggressive acts. However, children will understandably have real fears about interfering with bullies. They might be afraid of embarrassment in front of their peers or of being alienated from social groups. Of course, they may have a good reason to dread becoming a target themselves.

Bystanders Who Do Not Speak Up

As a result, those who witness trauma can suffer as much as the obvious victim from similar anxieties, depression and mental anguish. They will frequent want to be able to stop what is going on, but lack the skills or courage to do so.

They can develop overwhelming guilt and stress from not taking action to end something they know is wrong. It is not unusual to see this stress manifest itself in physical disorders like ulcers or chronic headaches.

Anti Bullying Programs Teach Skills

For this reason, children need be taught and empowered to become involved in stopping these types of actions. They should be instructed in ways they can quietly notify adults to expose those who engage in abusive behavior. They need to know that their best course of action is to seek out someone who can stop the physical and emotional pain.

The whole school, church or organization needs to adopt a policy of respect for all. Empathy is a character trait that should be modeled and taught by adults. Positive social skills need to be encouraged in order for them to become automatic action and a habit for life.

Regardless of whether a student joins in or simply observes, they are involved nonetheless. The bystander bully not only perpetuates unacceptable behavior, but can run the risk of unwittingly being added to the list of those who are abused.

Questions To Think About

1. 1. Have you ever been a witness to someone bullying someone else and not spoken up because you were afraid?
2. 2. Later when you had a chance to reflect on the situation, did you wish you had done something to help the victim?
3. 3. What would you do if you saw a friend being bullied?
4. 4. What would you do if it was a stranger?
5. 5. Do you know that if you show signs of compassion or assistance for the victim, the trauma is lessened?

It is not easy to step up when someone is being bullied, but wouldn’t you want someone to come to your assistance if you were being hurt?

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Teasing or Bullying- Teachers and Parents Need to Know the Difference

“He tripped me and I fell and hurt my knee.” “She won’t play with me and told the other girls to ignore me.” “Someone wrote in my book and now I have to pay for it.” “How could someone who said they were my friend write such a hateful message on FaceBook about me?”

Should Adults Butt In?

Problem solving is a major part of maturity. If adults, no matter how well-meaning, jump in too soon to intervene youth will never learn to solve their own problems.

Some conflicts are part of the normal process of growing up, just needing a little guidance to change their behavior. If it is bullying or deliberately hurtful or cruel, then adults need to teach empathy. If these acts are a part of emotional or developmental problems which are happening in a pattern, then a red flag may go up.

Teachers, parents, school administrators will soon recognize which incidences and individuals require guidance from a professional trained in dealing with these issues.

Small Problem or Big Problem

Teachers and parents need to know when to step in and solve a problem with bullies and when to let the child problem solve for themself.

If the problem or situation is something the child can solve by making a choice from the following list, then it is a small problem. This list is compiled from Kelso choices.

• Choose another game
• Share and take turns
• Talk it out
• Walk away
• Ignore it
• Tell them to stop
• Apologize
• Make a deal
• Wait and cool off

If it is a serious conflict or is a matter of safety, it is always a big problem. In solving big problems, adults need to mentor and teach problem solving skills to the young people.

Anti Bullying Programs

School teachers and administrators globally need to be trained to recognize the difference between normal teasing, joking and jockeying for position in a group and cruel bullying.

Educators, Administrators, Parents and students will need to band together, and commit to turning schools into communities where kindness and consideration are as important as reading and writing.

Tolerance for others and the desire to respect the unique traits of every person as an individual is the ultimate goal for all in this community.

Respect For Others

Teaching problem solving and respect does not mean no more teasing and rough housing allowed.  It means that  all adults who have contact with young people need to model and mentor kindness and forgiveness.

Teaching children about being a part of a community and protecting and standing up for other members of the team or group, is just one way to challenge abusive and mistreatment of others.

Children need to learn to be kind to people which goes a long way to making up a society where we all respect each others humanity and work together for the greater good of every person.

You can do it, I have confidence in you. You will want to claim your free copy of “Help, My Kid is Being Bullied.”

The Bystander Bully Is Traumatized Too

We have all seen it and discussed it at some point. Bullying is a harmful offense, often committed by someone who is dealing with insecurities in their own life. Both the bully and the bullied are hurt in this situation. However, many fail to notice one of the most important persons in a situation such as this: the bystander.

It seems that there is always a bystander, or likely more than one, when someone else is being sabotaged.

As a bystander or witness to a crime of bullying, you have an obligation to speak up and get help. If not , you as well as the bully and victim will suffer from the incident.

The bystander bully is the one person who could make a difference in this painful social triangle.

Transference of Trauma

Everyone recognizes that bullies and those who are bullied are suffering. Victims and targets who are traumatized are easy to pinpoint. However, those who are the bystanders are also suffering. As they stand by and watch, their conscience is smarting, and they will likely go home that day with guilty images and nightmares about a situation they knew was wrong, but did not know what to do about it.

The trauma that some experience after witnessing a bullying scene, especially children, is just as life altering as being the victim of the bully. These individuals need some instruction and guidance about how to stop bullies and to support those who have been traumatized.

Cowards or Courageous

Some would label bystanders as cowards, and they are in a way, but they are also simply scared that they are going to become the bullied by placing themselves on the line. Parents and teachers should step up and recognize the need for children to be educated about the effects of bullying and the power of the bystander.

In many cases, as one becomes brave enough to stand up to the bully, others will also take a stand and create a new social dynamic. Even the pat on the arm of someone who has been bullied to indicate that it was not their fault can change the episode to be less traumatic.

All Victims – Target, Bully and Witness

All three parties here need help. And perhaps one may feel safe because they are the friend of the bully, but someone who treats others with this type of disrespect are just as likely to turn on those they call their friends.

No one is exempt from harm; the bully, the victim and the witnesses to the crime.

The sooner a bystander can learn to take a stand over abuse, the sooner this situation can be brought to an end

Tender Mercies,

Judy Helm Wright

PS: If your child is having difficulty making friends, you will want to claim a free e-course on “likebilty” from http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com You will be glad you did.