Effects of Girls Who Bully Other Girls

Bullying can take many different forms especially in a society that values technology so highly. Text bullying and online bullies are quite common. In particular, a girl bullying victims will often be much more subtle in the tactics used.

Queen Bees and Wanna Bees

Girls will usually form groups and use these to their advantage, encouraging a group to gang up on one victim. The Queen Bee is the leader and holds the keys of power to the clique. It is she who dictates what to wear, how to talk, walk and befriend.

The Wanna Bees, the other girls in the clique are in fear of disappointing the leader of the pack.  They are eager to share the power and gain favor in the eyes of the other mean girls in the group.

All girls want to belong to a social group and have friends. Queen Bees, the leader of a clique, can decide their fate in school. It is all about power.

Effects of Cyberbullying

Because students prefer to use phones for texting rather than talking, many texts and messages fly through cyber air about who is in and who is out.

One seventh grade girl told me recently, “None of our fights were face to face, we were too afraid the teacher would catch us. It is easier to fight online, because you feel more powerful. You can also be as mean as you want to on FaceBook. It is kind of fun to “dis” somebody.”

Cyberdramas of Girls

If there is a conflict between teenage couples, surprisingly, the girls will blame the girl and want to “punish her.”  In the Phoebe Prince suicide in Massachusetts, even though  the boy and girl were no longer dating, when he started dating Phoebe, she was bullied and attacked.

The groups will usually pick and choose their members and exclude others, sometimes completely at random.

While it is normal for both girls and boys to form social groups and strong bonds that naturally exclude others, it becomes bullying when power plays over individuals or other groups are involved.

Questions on Girls and Cyberbullying – We welcome comments

• Why do you think girls turn against each other over the attention of a boy?
• Do all cultures have cliques of girls?
• Do you remember a Queen Bee from middle school?
• Why do you think it is important for a young girl to fit into a group?
• Is cyberbullying more dangerous than face-to-face bullying?

Protect Your Child From Cyber Bullying

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, in person or over the internet, perpetrated by an individual or a group, one thing is consistent and that it is harmful to the target and the bully. Bullies who do not know or learn how to act with kindness and respect for others will always have flawed and dysfunctional relationships. Those who have been victimized and targeted for abuse are more likely to be depressed, to feel isolated, anxious, and to have low self-esteem.  They are also more likely to think about suicide.

Bullying Hurts Everyone

The world has always had bullies and now the internet has expanded the opportunities for teasing, taunting and harmful cyber-bullying online.  Many parents are caught unaware that their children may be involved in either bullying or being bullied by so-called friends and associates.

Almost one in four children between the ages of 11 and 19 has been the victim of cyber bullying. Nearly 35% of kids have been threatened online and about 75% have visited a Web site bashing another student. These studies are researched based, but my own causal conversations with students in the halls and playgrounds at school show them to be true and maybe even a little low.  It has become a scary world when one can be stalked, threatened and verbally bashed on a cell phone or computer.  Once the images or words are out there, they are literally there forever.

The psychological and emotional outcomes of cyber-bullying are similar to real-life bullying outcomes and can have serious aftereffects. As I interview experts and young adults about this problem it is very real and very damaging to self esteem, confidence and mental well being.  Many of the students tell me they hate school because the teasing can start there.  But then it can also go on all day, every day and everywhere.

Home Should be a Safe Place

Unfortunately, most parents and caregivers don’t know what to do about cyber bullying. This is new territory for parents who grew up and survived the playground politics.  Many parents are so busy and so tired (see previous post on Too Tired to Parent) that they are missing the clues of a stressed out child.

Find out how to monitor your child’s use of the Internet and cell phones without making them feel embarrassed or overtly supervised. Create open communication and discover how to respond if your child initiates or receives threats.

Prevention Tips Suggested By Students

• Teach us how to deal with conflict.
• Monitor our use of the computer.
• Supervise but don’t snoop
• Don’t freak out if I tell you something in confidence.
• Ask me how I want you to handle it.
• Don’t blame or shame me for being a victim

You can protect your child from cyberbullying.  You can give kids a sense of safety and security by teaching them how to set boundaries, how to judge if a problem is a big one that needs adult help or a small one they can work out themselves.  As you work together to practice setting boundaries and speaking in an assertiveness voice, you will find more confidence in yourself and empathy for others.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.