How To Recognize Girl Bullying

The traditional tough guy bully who stands on the corner frisking you for your lunch money is not your typical bully anymore. Recently we have seen a trend in girl bullying that is disturbing to say the least. You used to see girls that were mean to each other, by excluding from a group or sharing gossip, but rarely involved physically violence. Now online communication allows those who tend to be cruel or unkind to be take those negative traits to the extreme.

Online Community Filled With Opportunity

Physical violence breaks out more and more often in our schools and the places where young people gather. This includes the internet.

Online bullying and harassment can follow you everywhere you go 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.

Cyber and text bullying between women is not unheard of. Cruel remarks, off color photos, and other forms of torture are often seen over the internet and on cell phones.

Many Tweens, Teens and Adults Don’t Recognize Boundaries

It may be that what is intended as a joke or sarcastic remark comes across as threatening to the receiver of the message.  Without the filter of  body language, the sender may cross boundaries of respect and privacy without meaning to. What started out as innocent banter may be construed as emotional bullying.

These days bullying is taken very seriously. Most schools, youth groups and churches have a zero tolerance, anti bullying policy when it comes to this behavior. Make sure you and your family know  and understand the policy.  I encourage you to have open and non judgmental conversations about the power of words. It is also a good idea to always make sure your child knows that they can come to you if someone is harassing them.

Is Your Teen Being Bullied

There are many ways to tell if your teen is being bullied. Usually drastic changes in behavior are really good signs that you are facing a bully. The signs also include panic attacks, depression, and loss of interest in social activities.

Many times your teen might avoid using the internet or their cell phone when a bully is harassing them. The internet and cell phones are powerful tools for bullies to use to get to their victims. The person being bullied often feels as if they cannot escape the bully and therefore feelings of helplessness or hopelessness can grow.

If you notice any of these changes in your child try and speak with them about it. Make sure that they understand that bullying is illegal, dangerous, and that there are ways to stop or avoid it. Give them the tools to be able to deal with a bully.

Internet Safety

You will want to check out the excellent information at http://cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/101safetytips

Choosing Your Battles: Three Questions to Ask Before Arguing

Guest post by Alexis Bonari

The older your child gets, the more conflicts appear on the horizon.  When you’re parenting a toddler or elementary school aged child, arguments erupt over whether a certain toy will be purchased, bedtimes, and chores.  Later, these points of conflict expand to include curfews, dating, clothing choices, cell phone use, money, drugs/alcohol, etc.  In other words, things get more complicated; they don’t get simpler as you go.

Constant conflict can severely damage the parent-child relationship. Expecting immediate obedience only leads to silent

Family fights and arguments are never fun, especially at mealtime. Choose your battles and treat each other with respect.

rebellion on the part of the child. It also leaves the parent feeling like a  bully. On the other hand, allowing your child or teen to do whatever they want doesn’t teach proper life management strategies, and can even endanger their life.  So what’s a parent to do?

The simple answer: choose your battles. Recognize that there are things worth fighting for, and things that are best let slide.  Here are two questions to aid in determining the difference between the two.

1. Is this behavior dangerous/life threatening?

At the end of the day, physical safety trumps just about every other consideration.  If your child is putting their life at risk or risking the lives of others, the behavior must be stopped.  Drug use, drinking and texting whiledriving, unprotected sex, playing in a busy street, etc. all fall under this category.  While it’s always a good idea to tell a child or teen why you’re placing limits on their behavior, there’s no room for arguing on points that involve safety.

While making your stand, be sure to listen to their perspective on the behavior in question.   Help them to understand they can always come to you with problems and you will help them solve them. Give them the resources to stop the behavior— drug counseling, access to birth control, an alternative place to play outdoors, etc.

2.  Does this behavior represent a difference in opinion, or an underlying attitude problem?

Sometimes kids need to be allowed to express themselves in ways that their parents find annoying or just plain strange.  If your child suddenly decides that they want to be a vegan when they were practically carnivorous only a week ago, so be it. If at 16 they want to dye their hair purple and wear all black— and their school has no prohibition against doing so— let them.  The search for self-identification involves test-driving different beliefs and personas.  Arguing over every eccentricity increases hostile feelings and resistance to your advice on more serious matters.

Some behaviors, however, are indicators of destructive tendencies that need to be addressed.  If your child takes up stealing from stores or hangs around with those who do steal, allowing that to continue will potentially send the wrong message about personal responsibility and morality.  A sudden obsession with ultra-violent materials also might be a cause for concern.  In these sorts of cases, it’s best to address the root cause of the behavior change with the child.  Simply prohibiting stealing, etc. isn’t going to be enough to change their attitude.  Discussing their rational on the issue combined with a ban on the actual behavior is a much more effective strategy.

3. Does allowing this behavior foster a distorted image of how the world works?

As parents, we often want to shelter our children from some of life’s harsher realities.  We give in to nagging for the newest gaming systems, toys, or clothes because we don’t want our kids to feel left out.  If we positively reinforce negative behaviors like nagging, whining, or angry outbursts, we’re sending the message that these sorts of behaviors are well received by the rest of the world.  Our children are done no favors when we ignore negative social behaviors. Children aren’t born knowing how to act in public or how to ask for what they want in a mature, controlled manner.

Essentially, parents need to ask themselves whether they’re fostering a world-view that designates the child as the center of the universe. Any behaviors that result from such an entitlement state of mind should be addressed.

By picking your battles, you can foster a sense of independence and uniqueness in your child without compromising ethics or common sense.

Bio: Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She often can be found blogging about general education issues as well as information on college scholarships. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/cgp314/4595988448/)

Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all:

If you are the parent of a 14 year old girl, bless you.  This is a stage and age of drama, drama, drama. They often use a loud voice and tears to get attention and make sure they are heard and seen.  They want to be part of the “in group.”  They want to fit in and have a fear of being out of synch with friends and the popular girls.  If this includes bashing someone on Facebook or Twitter, so be it.  They would never consider themselves as cyberbullys, but many are.

Sometimes girls at this age have difficulty listening to parents, especially moms.  Girls get into arguments with their parents again, especially mothers, over curfews and friends.  There are also lots of squabbles over homework, clothes and helping around the house.  Girls of fourteen love to complain about their parents online to their friends and friends of friends and friends of friends.

Ramifications On Online Posts

Because they lack the control of more mature girls, they may say and do things online that they later regret.  They do not have the experience to recognize the long lasting effects of posting hurtful  and hateful things online.  One young girl I know was angry with her mom because she was not allowed to go to a party.  Ten years ago, there would have been tears, pleading, doors slamming and ultimate forgiveness on everyone’s part.

Instead, this girl went to her room where her computer was (bad,bad idea…keep all computers in an area where there is a chance of an adult walking by) and posted a slam on  her mother’s Facebook account.  She was so angry at her mom that she posted that her mother hit her and abused the kids who were in her daycare.  This was a lie and almost got her mother turned over to authorities.

Think and Pause Before Hitting Send

Even though it is hard to talk to your 14 year old daughter about cyberbullying and online posting, it is imperative that she understand what might happen when you hit send too soon.

In face to face interactions, you can gauge the reaction and modify your remarks, but online it is anonymous.  Once a post is online it is out there forever and ever.  Help your daughter to understand that her quick posts and blasts may be hurting others needlessly.  Help her to see that she could easily become a cyberbully and that is not the kind of reputation she or you want.

I have confidence in you.

Your friend,  Judy H. Wright

14 year old girls are very interested in interpersonal relationships. They may not be aware of dangers online.