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Posts Tagged ‘assertiveness’

Assertiveness-Getting What You Want Without Being A Bully

Thursday, May 5th, 2011

Assertiveness-Getting What You Want

In the world today we are faced with many choices. We are all built with the instinct for fight or flight when faced with confrontation.

Recently I ran into a situation where I was faced with a rude, nasty response to a birthday greeting I had sent to an acquaintance through Facebook. I hadn’t realized the link to the free ebook I normally send to my Facebook friends on their birthday had been changed. The gentleman in question reacted by sending me a snarly note back chiding me for sending him marketing material in his birthday greeting.

My initial reaction was to fight back. I knew I had three options in my reaction to his note. I chose to be assertive and apologized for the error, explaining to him that it was unintentional.


Subsequently he wrote back with another extremely aggressive, rude note. I considered again how to respond. I decided this was the time to act in a more passive way. I did not respond because I knew this argument could go on and one, getting both of us nowhere and causing hurt feelings.

After some contemplation I decided to take a more assertive actions, I removed him as a friend on my Facebook account.

Confident people know how and when to be assertive. They respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of others.

By taking this action I defined that I have boundaries and would rather work with people who are pleasant to work with.

I have found that when we set our boundaries, and make clear what we need, and what we find acceptable, then people are usually more willing to give it to us.

One of the ways we can become a more assertive person is by taking responsibility for our own choices and actions.

The four major components of being an assertive person are:

  1. clearly representing what we are thinking and feeling, both verbally and using body language.
  2. Having no apology for the way we feel.
  3. By refusing to manipulate others with false guilt.
  4. By never sacrificing others , we respect other people and they respect us in return.

Assertiveness is clearly stating what you want and what you need as a means to an end. Being assertive does not mean you need to be pushy. You have the right to be human and take full responsibility for your actions. You even have the right to be wrong sometimes. You have the right to tell others what you are thinking and feeling- and you have the right to change your mind. You also have the right to express yourself without intimidation and you have the right to not accept responsibility for other peoples actions.

Being assertive means owing a situation. The only person you have the ability to change is ourselves.

The heart of being assertive is confidence.

For more information visit www.confidenceclues.com

You will want to learn how to set boundaries in your relationships with others. Being clear about boundaries helps you to never bully others or allow others to bully you.

Bully, Bullied and Bystander

Friday, October 8th, 2010

Hello from Montana,

Thanks for visiting this blog and joining a community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Dr. Phil McGraw is also part of this community against cyberbullying.

My goal as a “BullyAdvocate” is to:

  • Empower the bully to gain empathy and other ways of communication
  • Empower the victim or target to gain skills in assertiveness and setting boundaries
  • Empower the bystander to speak up and let others know that cruel behavior is not cool

According to National Association of School Psychologists, about one in seven schoolchildren has either been a bully or the target of a bully.

What If Your Child Is The Bully

Bullies come in all sizes, shapes and temperaments.  They may come for a dysfunctional home, but may also come from a great home with parents who care deeply and are mystified as to why their child would deliberately hurt or abuse someone else.

It may be teasing that got out of hand. It might be revenge. It might be part of “group think” or power of peer pressure.  It may be behavior that mimics what was seen in a movie or television show.  It can also be that the personality is manipulative and self-centered.

No matter why or how your child tries to dominate others, it is important to teach empathy and kindness.  Helping a child who has been bullying others for power or attention, may

As many bullies as there are in the world, the one common denominator is a desire for power. They want to win at all costs.

If your child
What To Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

The first thing to do is remain calm and remember you are the adult, not the child you were when you were being bullied in the third grade. Listen to your child’s story and reinforce that you want to help him/her solve the problem and what would they prefer you do to help.  It is important to let them know it is not their fault and that there are mean people in the world who deliberately hurt others with words or actions.

If your child needs social skill training, help them role play some responses to the bully.  Teach them about being assertive and give them some words to say that will deflect the bullies anger or hurtful conduct. You will find some great exercises and techniques  in my book and classes at http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Children who are different in some way or have behaviors that annoy or amuse their school mates still have a right to be treated with respect and kindness. But, as parents, we may need to coach our children in ways to increase “likeabilty.”

Bullied kids feel helpless and hopeless. This can lead to depression.

What if Your Child Witnesses Violence?

Remember to empower young  people by reminding them they are strong and capable and that you have confidence in them. Help them to see that they have a voice and a choice not only in their actions but in their reactions.

If they have witnessed bullying but did not speak up, they will be traumatized and feel they have betrayed their value system.  Help them to understand the power of the word.  A single word of kindness  or a pat on the arm can make the difference in not only how the victim feels but how they feel about the situation.

Practice with them as they speak in a polite assertive voice “Hey cut it out.” Or,  “Please stop. No one deserves to be treated that way.”

There are no winners in a bullying situation. The bully, the bullied and the bystander all suffer in some way.

By teaching respect and kindness for all, we can build a better world.  For more information, please see http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com and leave a comment or claim your free report on bullying.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright