Ways to Raise Confident and Assertive Children

from Podcast by Judy Helm Wright

When children learn to be compassionate, caring and learn they may not be the centre of universe they become more confident. They need to realize that they are an important part of the earth, but it does not revolve around them.

Confidence and Self-Esteem is not something children receive at birth. Parents and caring adults need to model respect and how to set boundaries in order to teach these qualities.

When we teach our children to give service, and care about people outside the family unit it also teaches them empathy. Service teaches them about diversity and to go outside their comfort zone. Children should be taught that the bedrock of civilization is respect for others, and gives the child a connection to the world around them and a stronger connection to the family.

Growing up we taught our children that before they turned 16 years of age they had to put in 60 hours of Community Service. The idea behind this was to teach them that there are other people and situations in their community which need attention., and helped them to focus some of their energy on the community around them, instead of just on themselves.

There are literally thousands of techniques to teach children how to be more confident. One of my favourites is to read with children.

By reading with children we can help expand their way of thinking beyond their small world. Stories can teach them how to be empathetic and show them that there are different types of people and lifestyles in the world. It can take them out of their comfort zone, which helps them to become more confident.

When children feel safe and secure they feel more confident. The feeling of safety is what every human and animal needs to feel confident. When one person acts with compassion, it can have a ripple effect. Others see what they are doing and find ways they can help as well. It spurs others on to think about ways they can give back to their community.

By completing tasks which make us uncomfortable we learn the we can do anything. It helps us to become compassionate, caring and self sufficient confident people!

For more information visit www.confidenceclues.com

Thought this was a great video, and really excited to see main stream media covering the affects of cyberbullying.

Hello from Montana: The following is a comment and the post I commented on. Enjoy

Thank you so much for this post. It really resonated with me; 1) because my grandkids are all so empathic and

Empathy and respect are taught life skills. How you treat animals is usually how you treat other living things.

have been raised to treat all life with respect 2) because I am writing a new book on bullying and especially cyber-bullying.  Many children do not make the connection between their actions and the reactions on others.

Project Chickens before the Eggs – Lesson 108 – Dangling Frogs and empathy

guest post by Wendy Thomas – Simple Thrift

Yesterday at the community pool, some children found a small frog in the grass. One girl proceeded to pick the amphibian up by one of it’s long back legs and dangled it in front of my son’s face trying to frighten him. Other children gathered round in interest.

“Cut it out”, my son angrily said.

I saw this happening and I knew that he meant cut-out-the-hurting-of-the-frog, and not cut-out-the-trying-to-annoy-me. His concern was for the creature being tortured. The girl thinking that she was succeeding in upsetting my son intensified her assault by holding the frog even closer to his face.

I could see that my son was getting more and more frantic as he watched the frog hung upside down struggling desperately to get away from what had it in its grasps. It was pawing the air and violently twisting in its struggle.

“That’s mean,” one of my daughters said. “That’s really mean.”

The girl was not going to let go of the frog, to her, the sport was too much fun.

After waiting a few seconds to see what would happen, I walked over to the group and told them that this was not going to continue. We needed to get the frog safely over the fence and into the nearby grass. I told them all. The girl put the frog down and my daughter gently picking it up in her hands, walked over it to the fence and placing it on the other side where it would be safe from kids and girls who wanted to tease boys.

When we got into the car to go home, my son, a young man of few words simply said “I didn’t like that.”

None of us did.

I’m not saying that my kids are perfect little angels. On occasion they have been known to hit, scratch, and even pull each others’ hair. But what I will say is that when you invite animals (yes, even chickens) into your life something wonderful happens. When those animals are dependent on you for their food, water, and shelter, and when you discover that animals have intelligence and personalities, it makes a difference. A big difference.

You realize that all are connected and all are worthy of respect and empathy. Even the youngest child learns that to harm another, even a lowly frog, is to do injustice to the greater whole. When you invite animals to share in your life, you discover that when someone bigger and stronger harms something smaller and defenseless, it creates damages to everyone.

It’s not a good thing and you don’t like it.

Because of the dogs, cats, gerbils, hermit crabs, and many chickens we have had and continue to have in our lives, my kids have fully embraced that pain and violence to another creature is always wrong and unacceptable.

And that’s something I like.

Simple Thrift – creative living on less

If your child has at least one significant friend, he will be less likely to be bullied and can more easily cope with effects of bullying should it occur.

Welcome to this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all,

One of the most important things your child will ever learn is to have empathy for others.  As early education teachers and child providers tell me when I go to various regions of the country to speak, “Teaching young children to get along and share is an ongoing process.”

Sharing and cooperation go hand in hand

You are doing your child a big favor by insisting, whenever the occasion calls for it, that he/she is part of a team. Recognizing that we must take into consideration the feelings of others is a first step in learning to have empathy.

As children get older they learn to maintain some measure of cooperation and getting along with others.  It frequently feels that they can improve their ability to share with friends, but still find it hard to share with siblings.

Ideas to teach sharing

Whenever there is something to divide in order to share, make it a policy that whoever does the dividing must allow the other person to choose first.  Even Solomon couldn’t have worked this one out better.  You will never see a fight about who got the larger piece, because the divider is very cautious about making both halves equal.

One mother wrote in I Heard Through The Playground, My kids are very competitive with each other so we started a system of odd-even days.  On my son’s day, he brushes his teeth first, gets the favorite red cup, and picks his story first.  This routine has solved a very difficult problem of remembering who got the cup yesterday or who was read to first.  During those six times of the year when the odd days come together 31^st and 1^st, we do a sharing day when they have to work things out.  Eventually, the system will phase out so that the kids can work things out independently.  But for now, and especially because they are so close in age and so highly competitive we use what works.

Adults must act like adults and teach interpersonal skills

As you can see, many times bullying can start in the family circle.  It is too easy for parents and other adults to consider arguing and bullying “a part of life” and not teach other alternatives to fighting.

If we want to have children who have empathy and regard for others, it must be taught just as we teach riding bikes and using a hula hoop.  Confidence, self esteem, delayed gratification and empathy for others are life skills which will aid children in having a successful and fulfilling life.  Learning to get along with others is a necessary part of life.

To learn more about teaching children life skills and to share rather than fight, please see http://www.kidschoresandmore.com You will be glad you did.

Greetings and thanks for coming by to visit,

I bet every single person reading this remembers being teased, taunted and bullied by someone.  A big brother in my case.  The kid down the block in my husband’s case.  But bullying happens every day in classrooms, bathrooms,hallways and school buses.  But now it has taken a new and very dangerous and hurtful turn for the worst.

Adults sometimes fail to realize how serious bullying can be because they survived it.  Many parents may feel that sibling rivalry and constant fighting may be normal.  No matter how much a part of the growing process for children, it can and does have major harmful effects on the victim, the bully and the bystander.  Adults may think that being picked on is a rite of passage and not that big of thing.

Welcome to this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

Do you remember being teased and taunted by someone bigger,stronger or in a more powerful position?  Of course you do and so do I.  Bullying, teasing and sibling rivalry are common markers of childhood.  It may have been unpleasant and embarrassing but we managed to live through it.  Consequently, many adults do not understand the implications that are involved in cyberbullying.  Not only do they not understand the seriousness of the problem, but are at a loss on how to protect their children and teens.

Bullying is different from ordinary teasing, rough-and-tumble play fights.  This is a normal part of growing up and generally does no last harm as long it is not the only method the two parties have of communicating.  Teasing and most conflicts actually can help young people learn how to deal with one another and how to set boundaries in relationships.  However, if the child is distressed, teasing is not okay.

Bullying and Cyberbullying

Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intentional and involves an imbalance of power, intellect or strength.  Usually it is an ongoing thing. it may involve one-on-one pushing, shoving or name calling.  It can also involve group dynamics where a victim or target is excluded, embarrassed and humiliated.  This kind of bullying takes place at schools, playgrounds, shopping malls and churches.

Bullies rarely stop their negative behavior without intervention.  They only grow up to be more devious and dangerous.  They become “mean girls” and “alpha males” who want to control power and people.  Many move from playground battles to Facebook, Youtube and cell phones as they search for more targets and victims.

Online Social Cruelty

Technology has given children and youth a new means of bullying one another.  This method of mean can involve:

• Sending vulgar or threatening messages or images
• Posting sensitive, private information about another person
• Pretending to be another person in order to demean or humilate
• Intentionally excluding someone from an online group

Cyberbullying is done through:

• Emails
• Instant messages
• Texting or sending messages on cell phones
• Web pages or Blogs
• Facebook, Myspace and other popular sites for teens
• Chat rooms, forums and comments on blogs

Trend For Teens With Cell Phones

Teenagers with cellphones and PDAs each send and receive 2,272 text messages a month on average. How about your teen?  Does it seem that they always have their phone on and are texting each other?  Have you taken the phone and checked to see what messages are going back and forth?  Is it possible your teen is cyberbullying someone or are being cyberbullied by another?  If so, you need to claim your free special report on Texting Bullies today.  You will be glad you did.

Sibling Rivalry –Family Fights

Welcome to our community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all,

“He hit me first.” “She started it.” “I’m Telling Mom.”  “Dad loves me best.” “It is not fair.” “My brother is a brat.”

Yikes! Parents want to scream “Stop the Fighting NOW.”

Siblings who learn to get along make for less family fights and more cooperation.

Family Conflicts

Whenever there are more than one kid in a house, there are bound to be some conflicts. If some of the kids are there only on the weekends or in the summer, there is bound to be even more conflicts and power struggles.

Brothers and sisters borrow things without permission. Step-child one has much more toys and possession than half-brothers and sisters.  Younger kids sometimes feel that the older kids are more favored and get to do whatever they want.

Older kids or teens may feel that the baby of the family gets away with murder and they had live much harder when they were his age.

Sibling Rivalry

Take two kids in competition for their parents’ love and attention and then add envy, frustration, resentment and anger and you have sibling rivalry.  Sibling is generally understood to be a blood sister or brother, but it has come to mean much more complex relationships with blended families.

Rivalry means competition. The young members of the household are in competition to see who can gain power or the upper hand.  A little competition is not a bad thing and can help children learn to navigate in the real world.

However, too much completion and struggle for dominance in the parent’s love and attention can make for an unhappy family life.

If this is a concern in your family, you will enjoy reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  They talk about how to help your children live together so you can live too.

Learn Life Skills

If one child is consistently picked on in the family, he or she may turn to bullying someone smaller in order to feel any sort of power. They may begin to believe and practice violence in order to win at all costs.

It is important to hold family councils and model good communication skills so the kids feel they can be heard and respected within the family. When parents put a high value on expressing feelings in a constructive, not destructive way, children will learn empathy for others.

In confidence,  Judy

PS: Be sure to check out http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Protect Your Child From Cyber Bullying

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, in person or over the internet, perpetrated by an individual or a group, one thing is consistent and that it is harmful to the target and the bully. Bullies who do not know or learn how to act with kindness and respect for others will always have flawed and dysfunctional relationships. Those who have been victimized and targeted for abuse are more likely to be depressed, to feel isolated, anxious, and to have low self-esteem.  They are also more likely to think about suicide.

Bullying Hurts Everyone

The world has always had bullies and now the internet has expanded the opportunities for teasing, taunting and harmful cyber-bullying online.  Many parents are caught unaware that their children may be involved in either bullying or being bullied by so-called friends and associates.

Almost one in four children between the ages of 11 and 19 has been the victim of cyber bullying. Nearly 35% of kids have been threatened online and about 75% have visited a Web site bashing another student. These studies are researched based, but my own causal conversations with students in the halls and playgrounds at school show them to be true and maybe even a little low.  It has become a scary world when one can be stalked, threatened and verbally bashed on a cell phone or computer.  Once the images or words are out there, they are literally there forever.

The psychological and emotional outcomes of cyber-bullying are similar to real-life bullying outcomes and can have serious aftereffects. As I interview experts and young adults about this problem it is very real and very damaging to self esteem, confidence and mental well being.  Many of the students tell me they hate school because the teasing can start there.  But then it can also go on all day, every day and everywhere.

Home Should be a Safe Place

Unfortunately, most parents and caregivers don’t know what to do about cyber bullying. This is new territory for parents who grew up and survived the playground politics.  Many parents are so busy and so tired (see previous post on Too Tired to Parent) that they are missing the clues of a stressed out child.

Find out how to monitor your child’s use of the Internet and cell phones without making them feel embarrassed or overtly supervised. Create open communication and discover how to respond if your child initiates or receives threats.

Prevention Tips Suggested By Students

• Teach us how to deal with conflict.
• Monitor our use of the computer.
• Supervise but don’t snoop
• Don’t freak out if I tell you something in confidence.
• Ask me how I want you to handle it.
• Don’t blame or shame me for being a victim

You can protect your child from cyberbullying.  You can give kids a sense of safety and security by teaching them how to set boundaries, how to judge if a problem is a big one that needs adult help or a small one they can work out themselves.  As you work together to practice setting boundaries and speaking in an assertiveness voice, you will find more confidence in yourself and empathy for others.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.