Texting and Instant Messaging Can Hurt Children

Schools deal with the issue of harassment through text messaging and online instant messaging every day.

Cell phones and texting is the primary form of communication with teens. Families need to learn about internet safety and cyberbullying online.

But, many adults do not realize just how often children are being bullied online or through texting.

Often too afraid to tell their parents, children try to deal the problem of cyberbullying themselves. They often only getting their parents involved when the situation gets out of control and the child is helpless to do anything about it alone.

Texting is Main Source of Communication

Teachers and parents agree that texting-whether the act of sending one or the anticipation of receiving one- distracts tweens and teens.  Most schools prohibit cell phones in the classrooms, but teens are very adept at getting around the system.

A 2008 Harris Interactive study found that nearly half of kids-42% could text even when blindfolded.

Tactics of the Cyberbully

Bullying, threats and intimidation, harassment and causing embarrassment of another are all tactics of today’s cyber bully.

This growing problem uses interactive technology such as cell phones, chat rooms and online instant messaging in an effort to harass, embarrass or otherwise victimize another person.

The motivation of the cyberbully is widely varied. Often schools are powerless to help as much of the bullying takes place off school grounds.

Why do Children Become Cyberbullies

The reasons children cyberbully each other are many. Sometimes children are holding a grudge against their victim, or want to emotionally hurt another. Sometimes they act out of boredom as a child seeks a new form of entertainment. Sometimes kids fight back against being bullied by becoming bullies themselves.

How to Combat Cyberbullying

At this juncture law enforcement around much of the world is ill equipped to deal with cases of cyber harassment. Right now most laws only apply to cyber threats such as hacking or death threats.

Often the only recourse for cyber harassment victims is to report the problem to their Internet Service Provider. In most cases cyberbullying is only considered a breach of the terms and conditions of the ISP and the only recourse is to suspend or cut off the bully’s internet access.

This usually only stops the bullying for a short time while the cyberbully sets up a new account, or finds access elsewhere.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What would I do if I found my child was being victimized by a cyber bully?

• Do I know the signs that my child may be being harassed by a cyber bully?

• Could I tell if my child might be bullying someone else online? How would I deal with it?

Bully Advocate

• We empower the bully to gain empathy and learn new ways of communication
• We empower the bystander to get involved and diffuse the confrontation
• We empower the victim to be courageous and set boundaries
• We empower the group, school, family or community to adopt a no-bully, respect for all policy

Follow us on FaceBook at Judy Helm Wright or on http://www.Twitter.com/bullyadvocate

You will be glad you did.

The term cyberbullying did not exist a decade ago but mean people did.

Cyberbullying is the repeated use of technology to harass, humiliate or threaten others.

The techniques and styles of bullying have changed but the cruelty and power struggles are still going on in schools internationally. Bullies are not limited to the classroom, hall or playground.  Because so many children use technology on a daily basis, cyberbullying can take place anywhere and anytime.

Anywhere from one-third to one-half of youths have been targeted by cyberbullies, according to an article by Jennifer Holladay in Fall, 2010 issue of Teaching Tolerance, a project of the Southern Poverty Law Center.  Jennifer goes on to say ” And those experiences produce damaging consequences-everything from a decline in academic performance to thoughts about suicide.

Types of Cyberbullying

• Identity theft- fake profiles might be set up pretending to be an individual with the sole aim of bullying others
• Chat rooms, blogs and forums- although you are supposed to be at least 13 years old to participate, very few are monitored.
• Pictures and photo sharing – videos of girls dressing and undressing in the locker room after soccer practice can be taken with an Iphone and then shared on various sites.
• Prank phone calls- these may just be annoying, but can turn to stalking if it persists.
• Text messages- can be abusive and threatening.
• E-mail- it is very easy to set up a new email account with a fictitious name and begin sending offensive e-mails.
• Instant messages- quicker than email, these permit users to have real time conversations and arguments.
• Social media- Facebook and Myspace are easy for cyberbullies to post offensive messages.

What Should Parents Do About Cyberbullying?

• Encourage them to talk to you about what is going on in their lives and the lives of their friends. If they are feeling anxiety or fear I recommend a wonderful program @
• Don’t over react until you are sure that it wasn’t a misunderstanding.  Youth are nervous about sharing concerns with parents for fear of them going ballistic and making matters worse.
• Encourage them to show you any abusive or offensive emails and keep a record of what has gone on.
• Turn on safety features to ensure that your family is only getting messages from those you wish to correspond with.
• Ask them how you can help them to solve the problem.  If you jump in and solve, it will only reinforce in their minds that they are victims.
• Teach them life skills, like setting boundaries and speaking up in difficult situations.  These are social skills that will help them for the rest of their lives.

Cyberbullying may be a new term but you can equip your family to win and prosper in any situation.

Please sign up for a free report @ http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com which will give you tips and techniques to strengthen your children in the new cyber-world.

This is an interesting story in the Boston Herald.  What do you think?  Leave a comment here for us.

http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/view.bg?articleid=1295306&srvc=rss

Judy Helm Wright, of Missoula, Montana has become “The Bully Advocate.” As an author, keynote speaker and family educator, she has seen the damage done when bullying occurs.

Her blog http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com is filled with information and a free report for parents and teachers.  The goal of the blog is to:

1. Empower the bully to gain empathy and gain new ways of communication
2. Empower the victim or target to gain assertiveness skills and how to set boundaries.
3. Empower the bystander or witness to speak up or find help.
4. Empower the group, school, family or community to adopt a no-bully, respect for all policy.

My husband and I read the local Missoula newspaper each morning at breakfast. It is called the  Missoulian and has some of the finest writers and photo journalists in the country.  Many come here to the University Of Montana for the school of journalism and then stay because of the beautiful country and caring community.  We are very fortunate to have them.

November 3, 2010 there were two articles that especially struck our interests and started a good conversation.  Jamie Kelly, who has done an excellent job of covering the bullying controversy in the community, wrote about a hazing incident that probably started out innocent and playful, but could have ended in a tragedy for one or more teens.  The four students, all football players and seniors, are serving three to 10 day suspensions for the role in the hazing, which happened after football practice at Big Sky High School.

This was a hard lesson to learn for the kids, the team, the school and the community.

Teen age boys sometimes make decisions that will have far reaching effects for the future.

At least 10 students, sophomores and juniors were shot in the back or buttocks with a pump action Airsoft pellet gun that was brought into school in an athletic gear bag.  None of the kids “ratted” to teachers or administration.  But one mom was concerned enough to call officials.  The prinicipal Laboski was quoted in the article as saying “A lot of kids said it didn’t bother them, that it was no big deal.”

But it could have been a very big deal.

On the same page as the article by Jamie Kelly was one by Nick Gevock, of the Montana Standard.  His report was about teens and guns too.  But these teens had gone hunting with their fathers and grandfather.  This is a time honored practice in Montana.  A little male bonding, a little sharing of family stories and learning values and standards from various generations.

However, these 5 five young men aged from 13 to 16 learned a lesson too.  When the teens woke up and discovered the adults who had slept in anothertent with a propane heater were unconscious, they acted with keen minds and problem solved a situation that was very frightening.  One of the teens drove back off the isolated road to get into cell coverage and made an emergency call.  The other four stayed in camp and pulled the men out into the fresh air and safety.

Even though the boys were not sure what to do precisely, they recognized that they needed to step up and do something positive in order to change the outcome of the situation.

The adults are recuperating and the boys are probably saying “Oh, it was no big deal.”

But it could have been a very big deal.

For more information on hazing, bullying, encouraging bystanders to step up, please see http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

Hazing – Tradition or Tragedy

In America kids have been back in school for a couple of months. Athletic teams have been selected. After school groups and clubs have formed. There has been a migration for those who want to find a group to either finding that community or feeling even more isolated and alone.

Recent blog posts and articles  have dealt with the one who was left out, the victim or the target. We have discussed the bully and what motivates the bullying actions, and we have written about  the bystander who does not speak up or even worse, encourages the bullying

We have even talked about what makes us do what we do. Why do we bully or give in to bullies or stand by while someone else is being bullied.

Most hazing by groups is a tradition, but it is very easy for the humiliation to escalate and become a tragedy.

As I have talked and shred many times, it is a fine line between being teased or taunted and being bullied.  It is the pattern of abuse and the intent which defines bullying.

Is hazing considered bullying?

Players Change But Hazing Continues

How about the kid who finally makes it on the team or into the fraternity and wants to retain that status.  It is no longer the hidden push in the locker room, but now an organized and sanctioned group “ritual” that has been going on for years.

In some schools, the incoming freshman are required to carry the books for the senior classmates.  It has always been done, they say.  It is a time honored tradition and just helps the freshman to know the school and meet kids who are in upper grades.

A  recent Family Circle Magazine (April 1, 1010) article stated “Most kids can recognize hazing when it happens to others, but a staggering 90% of victims are unable to admit that they have been hazed.”  Is it that they want to belong so much, that it is worth the price of a little embarrassment or humiliation?

Willing To Participate No Justification For Doing It

Most teens allow themselves to be hazed because they don’t know how to stop it.  The consequences can be just as severe for a child who is being hazed as if he/she were being bullied. One young man told me recently; “Well, at least with hazing, I can stand it because I know it will end when soccer season ends.”

But will it end there?  Will those who are in the position of power enjoy that rush of leadership, no matter how warped it is.  Will they search to find other targets or even continue picking on those who were willing to be hazed in a certain setting.

Bullying and Hazing Are About an Imbalance of Power

Whenever one has power over another it creates an atmosphere of dominance.  That is not character building, but soul destroying.

Questions To Think About

1. Have you ever witnessed a hazing or teasing that went too far?
2. What did you do and how did you feel?
3. Has a gang , group or individual ever told you that “this will build character and it has always been done this way” while embarrassing or humiliating you?
4. If you were being hazed would you feel powerless?
5. Will you reflect on these feelings the next time you are in a situation to haze or tease someone else?

Please claim your free report on resources to help in bullying situations at http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

The Language of Bullies – Power of Mean Words

In recent years we have taken Political Correctness to new heights to show respect for different races and religions. It is no longer socially acceptable to use derogatory names to label a person based on faith or ethnicity. So why is it socially acceptable to use words like Fat or Stupid or Gay?

Gender Differences in Bullying

Boys who bully tend to be more physical with lots of hitting, pushing, and violence in general.  Their choice of hurtful words usually center on sexual orientation or accusing both boys and girls of being gay, bisexual or promiscuous.  Research has shown that males who are regularly exposed to media or video violence are apt to become desenitized to real-life violence.  They are less likely to be sensitive to the pain of others and thus become bully bystanders.

Girls or females, however, tend to hurt and bully by using emotional and psychological means to isolate and embarrass other girls.

Boys bully with attacks on sexual orientation, strength and ability to win games.

While a boy’s favorite taunt is “gay” or “fag” a girl almost always goes for the physical attributes.  So the dreaded taunt of the female is “fat” or “ugly.”

Nasty Name Calling

In many schools or work places, for example, if a person were to call an African-American by that now taboo “N” word they would be hauled into an office and disciplined. We regularly hear people called Fat, or Stupid, and not much is done about it.

Many, many studies have shown, and it is widely known that name calling can have a profound affect on a person psychologically. So why are these types of slights against another person socially acceptable to so many?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

The old nursery story that our parents advised us to say when someone teased us is not only eneffective, but a lie.  Words can and do hurt. Physical wounds do heal much faster than those in the heart and soul. Be sure to sign up to receive your free report on bullying by going to http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

Words can be used as weapons. The words people use to label us enter into our inner dialogue and can really affect how we feel about ourselves.

Words have Power

We need to teach our children to chose the words they use wisely. Children and adults alike need to think about how they would feel if someone was using that language to talk about them or someone they loved.  Too much television and video involvement may give a false sense of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in society. Some individuals have become desensitized to real life violence, pain and suffering.

We, as a global society, need to stop casually throwing around words that are hurtful. All caring adults will model and teach how empathy, kindness and responsible action makes for a better world and a happier day for all involved.  If you would like assistance on teaching these life skills, please go to http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

We All Stand In Choice

Children and teens should be taught that being positive is a lifestyle choice which will bring joy, and happiness to themselves and the people around them. You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Celebrity figures are speaking up about the high cost of bullying. Adding to the voices of those who have been bullied or had loved ones take their lives over bullying, many famous names are now taking a stand against bullies and those who deliberately humilate others.

In a plea during an appearance on the Ellen Degneres show recently NFL Football great Drew Brees had this to say:

“If you think that making fun of someone is harmless, you are wrong. If you think its OK to do because everyone else is doing it you’re wrong. Bullying has to stop, and it has to start with you. I want my fans to know that if you’re making fun of someone because they are different, then you are no friend of mine. If you are being bullied I want you to know that there is support. I support you. Making fun of someone because they are different from you, that’s not being tough. Its being ignorant. Appreciating people for how they are different from you, that’s what it takes to be a friend.”

Brees isn’t the only one concerned about bullying. The topic has been in the forefront of the media recently with the high profile suicides of four young people whose deaths were the result of constant bullying.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper has always been on the forefront of this subject, reporting on the issue regularly and trying to make a difference.

In a recent appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show Copper suggested that he doesn’t recall being bullied himself, but he does remember standing by and watching others be bullied. He said as a bystander he remembers having a sense of relief that he wasn’t the person being picked on.

Cooper said the bystanders need to intervene and stand up against a bully to help break the cycle. It is not easy to empower children

Working together we can build a world of mutual respect and kindness for all.

unless we can model and teach the skills.

We all know that growing up, particularly during the teen years is difficult for everyone. Parents need to understand that today’s teens have a much different experience than they had.

For more information on bullying and the effect it can have on individuals, families, schools and communities, please check out http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

You will be able to claim a free report for parents and teachers on what to look for if your child has been bullied or is a bully. You will also find techniques to use to build up the assertiveness skills and self esteem of children and teens.

About Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change – In his groundbreaking book, Wise Mind, Open Mind pioneering psychotherapist, Dr. Ronald Alexander shares his innovative program for using mindfulness meditation, creative thinking, and positive psychology to transform times of crisis or change into opportunities for greater personal awareness, clarity, and creativity.  His original three-step plan includes, learning to let go of resistance to change, learning to tune in to your soul’s deep wisdom or core creativity; and then learning how to move forward based on your newly acquired insight.

Hello from Montana,

Thanks for visiting this blog and joining a community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Dr. Phil McGraw is also part of this community against cyberbullying.

My goal as a “BullyAdvocate” is to:

• Empower the bully to gain empathy and other ways of communication
• Empower the victim or target to gain skills in assertiveness and setting boundaries
• Empower the bystander to speak up and let others know that cruel behavior is not cool

According to National Association of School Psychologists, about one in seven schoolchildren has either been a bully or the target of a bully.

What If Your Child Is The Bully

Bullies come in all sizes, shapes and temperaments.  They may come for a dysfunctional home, but may also come from a great home with parents who care deeply and are mystified as to why their child would deliberately hurt or abuse someone else.

It may be teasing that got out of hand. It might be revenge. It might be part of “group think” or power of peer pressure.  It may be behavior that mimics what was seen in a movie or television show.  It can also be that the personality is manipulative and self-centered.

No matter why or how your child tries to dominate others, it is important to teach empathy and kindness.  Helping a child who has been bullying others for power or attention, may

As many bullies as there are in the world, the one common denominator is a desire for power. They want to win at all costs.

If your child
What To Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

The first thing to do is remain calm and remember you are the adult, not the child you were when you were being bullied in the third grade. Listen to your child’s story and reinforce that you want to help him/her solve the problem and what would they prefer you do to help.  It is important to let them know it is not their fault and that there are mean people in the world who deliberately hurt others with words or actions.

If your child needs social skill training, help them role play some responses to the bully.  Teach them about being assertive and give them some words to say that will deflect the bullies anger or hurtful conduct. You will find some great exercises and techniques  in my book and classes at http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Children who are different in some way or have behaviors that annoy or amuse their school mates still have a right to be treated with respect and kindness. But, as parents, we may need to coach our children in ways to increase “likeabilty.”

Bullied kids feel helpless and hopeless. This can lead to depression.

What if Your Child Witnesses Violence?

Remember to empower young  people by reminding them they are strong and capable and that you have confidence in them. Help them to see that they have a voice and a choice not only in their actions but in their reactions.

If they have witnessed bullying but did not speak up, they will be traumatized and feel they have betrayed their value system.  Help them to understand the power of the word.  A single word of kindness  or a pat on the arm can make the difference in not only how the victim feels but how they feel about the situation.

Practice with them as they speak in a polite assertive voice “Hey cut it out.” Or,  “Please stop. No one deserves to be treated that way.”

There are no winners in a bullying situation. The bully, the bullied and the bystander all suffer in some way.

By teaching respect and kindness for all, we can build a better world.  For more information, please see http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com and leave a comment or claim your free report on bullying.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright

Dealing With Online Bullies

With the advancement in modern technology the evolution of the bully has moved from playgrounds, workplaces and gyms to the internet. It is not that kids being mean to one another is anything new. But the methods and techniques are certainly more sophisticated and allow more cruelty because of constant access and the power to be anonymous.

Cell Phones and Social Media Make Being Mean Easy

Unlike adults, kids don’t regard technology as separate from the rest of their lives. Many have a cell phone in their hands and moving to text or talk constantly.

Cell phones and social media have made it easy for mean kids to bully online and become cyber bullies.

Bullies are now using chat rooms and social media sites to attack their victims. Bullies use the cyberspace to leave harsh, cruel or even threatening comments for their victims.

Sometimes bullies post fake or hurtful videos, or even create fake online profiles to harm the reputation of the person they wish to victimize.

FaceBook Works To Stop Offenders

Social networking sites like FaceBook work hard to control serious incidents through online reporting. Through filing a report users can have wrongful photos or comments removed from the site.

FaceBook also enforces consequences for the aggressor up to, and including closing their account for serious offenders. But, unfortunately, kids are smart and pretty internet savvy. They can start another account with a false name and new email address.

No Easy Answers or Solutions to Combat CyberBullies

So, how do we combat online bullies? There are a number of software programs and online services that can help parents monitor what kids are doing online.

There are also services to help parents monitor text messaging on cell phones, which is another rapidly growing problem.

We need to encourage our children to inform parents, teachers or other responsible adults when they are being bullied whether it is face-to-face or online.

Recently authorities have begun taking credible threats of injury or damage to property very seriously. In serious cases authorities should be contacted to deal with bullying concerns in an efficient manner.

Questions To Ask Yourself:

• Would I be able to tell if my child is being bullied online?

• Is my child mature enough to conduct him or herself responsibly on social networking sites?

• How will I monitor my child’s activities online?

• How will I deal with incidents of bullying against my child or, if I find my child is bullying someone else?

Cyberbullying is a serious threat to individuals globally.  Teaching internet safety and social skills online is a part of what a caring parent does.  You should be informed and aware of what your child is sending and receiving online.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright, family relationship author and keynote speaker