The Effects Of Bullying On Communities

Many communities, schools, and neighborhoods are facing the effects of bullying. Gangs and groups having one type of culture harass and fear another.

While it may seem a personal matter, it’s not. Bullying rapidly becomes a problem throughout the whole community, school, neighborhood or organization even while it may seem that just a few people are involved.

There are ways to tell if your community is becoming a target or is feeling the effects of bullying.

Many cultures make for an interesting diversity in a community. When there are "turf wars" it errodes the whole community.

• One group of individuals has priority over another
• Selective information or selective invites to community events
• No one wants to travel the streets or hallways by themselves

Fear of talking about the bullying situation. People would prefer to ignore what is going on or acknowledge that there is a problem.

Those in the group or out of the group are aware of their position within the group itself. When I was doing research for a book on children’s friendships, the kids know exactly who the popular kids, the controversial, the clowns etc are. Outsiders may not know, but those who are in the midst of the situation know the exact pecking order.

Fear Of The Unknown

Bullying comes in many forms but it usually involves fear of one type or another. This can be individual fear or group fear. Many fundamental churches fear the liberal segment of society and vice versa. Rather than communicate what each group has in common, it is easier to pull down or belittle those who do not think, look and act just like us.

Any type of subtle or overt bullying or harassment will not only affect one person or group but also steadily erode the confidence within the community.

Within a larger group you may find that one type of culture or one type of individual is not invited to share in community events, not informed of community events or is positioned on the outskirts of the event.

This is cultural bullying and will involve a whole cultural group of people. Personal or group bullying is similar but can cover differing cultures or peoples but still means one group is trying to show dominant power over another.

Exclusion or Inclusion

Exclusion of an individual can happen to anyone but it’s usually those who don’t conform or do not have a group of their own. We are much more alike than we are different.

While it’s devastating to the growth of community to not appreciate and celebrate diversity, to the individual it can actually be life threatening.

While we may not like or agree with all segments of our community, we do have an obligation to respect them and the choices they make.

Polarizing A Population

If one individual, group or segment of a community is pitted against another, there are no winners. When different “sides” or “points of view” separate rather than come together and agree to disagree, then we have an imbalance of power.

And that is a definition of bullying.

Please feel free to comment or share your thoughts.  This is one way we can get an open dialog going about the effects of bullying on communities. Check out http://cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/bullyingprevention

Girls Bully Girls- QueenBees and WannaBees

Emma has started puberty early and has noticeably larger breasts in September at the start of sixth grade than she did in June at the end of school.  Other girls notice her popularity with the boys and decide to “punish” her.

They start a campaign of rumors, gossip and exclusion of Emma from all activities where she used to be included as a friend.  Confused and hurt, Emma asks why she is being ignored and shunned.

One of the girls who was a former friend confesses that the only reason Emma is getting attention from boys is because she is “putting out.” She tells her that texts and messages have been going back and forth talking about “When girls have sex, their boobs get big.”

Girls can be very mean to other girls, especially about the rate of body development in puberty.

Big Problems Need Adult Intervention

Humiliated and embarrassed over the lies, Emma decides to talk to the school counselor. Fortunately the school had a caring counselor and administrative staff who called a meeting of the girls involved in the attack and their parents.

After a frank discussion over the natural development of our bodies, the counselor also talked about the need for kindness and empathy.  An anti-bullying program was set in place and parents and students were made aware of the consequences of cyberbullying.

This story had a happy ending.  Many do not.

Cyberbullying May Lead To Depression Or Even Death

In addition to texting lies and rumors, there have been some instances which included posting doctored pictures of a person on the Internet.  When a group of girls decides to turn on someone, they tend to get others involved who agree with the Queen Bee, or the girl with the most power in the group.

Other girls or Wannabees are fearful of standing up to the leader for fear they will be the next target.  They then become either participants in the cyberbullying or bystanders who do nothing to help the victim.

The bystander or witness, who does not at least try to help the victim, may suffer as much or more than the victim. They too may suffer from anxiety, fear, depression and lack of self-esteem.

There Are No Winners In Bullying Situations

A lot of damage can be done via electronic or online bullying. It can be worse than face-to-face bullying because it is can be anonymous or hard to trace.  There are a number of laws being created internationally to make this a crime.

Parade Magazine 8/22/10 Article On Cyberbullies

According to the article in a recent Parade magazine, included in our Sunday paper, laws have been passed in Massachusetts and New Hampshire expanding bullying laws to include digital harassment. Nevada and Louisiana have set up criminal penalties for those convicted of intimidating others electronically.

Missouri, a second offense can lead to felony charges.  Many teens do not realize how serious it is to cyberbully someone they don’t like or disagree with.  Many think it is funny to haze or tease a victim or target until they drop out of school or activities.

Talk Often To Young People About Empathy

Parents and other caring adults need to model empathy and kindness as well as teaching it on an ongoing basis. Parents should also make sure that they talk to their children regularly about cyber bullying.

Helping them to understand that cyberbullying is a crime and offenders will be punished.  What may have started out as a joke or misunderstanding can quickly get out of hand and lives can be ruined.

And if a situation becomes serious or threatening messages are sent, the authorities should be notified.

The more open the lines of communication between generations of caring adults, the more likely they are to come to you to help them solve big problems like cyberbullying and abuse.

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

Who Is Cyberbullying You Or Your Child

“My child is being bullied on FaceBook.” “Girls who used to be friends are now spreading rumors by texting.”  “Someone posted lies about my son on a social media account. How do I find out who did it?” “My boss texted others in the workplace something I shared in private. What do I do.”

Questions From Parents About Cyberbullying

How to stop someone who is cyberbullying you or your child is a question most parents dread having to ever ask. Quite frankly, the internet and cyberspace changes so rapidly that it is hard for parents to keep up.

The definition of cyberbullying is important to understand before attempting to resolve it. Cyber bullying is the malicious act of a person(s) who harasses, stalks or spreads lies about someone else via electronic methods.

Cyberbullying, or online bullying is when someone, either on purpose or as a joke posts intimidating messages. These messages might be embarrassing photos of someone in the school bathroom or a photo of your child taken without permission. This could be through a cell phone or over the Internet.

Cyberbullies use Text Messaging, e-mail, blogs, web sites, and chat rooms as venues to post their intimidating messages.  Tracing them is very hard, but parents should keep records of dates and messages to give to authorities.

National Media Is Focused On The Crime

Cell phones and the internet are very useful tools. However, they can be used for harm as well as good.

Parade Magazine,8-22-2010 focused on the national attention that is surrounding the suicide of Phoebe Prince in Massachusetts.  After her suicide, the Massachusetts state legislature passed a law making cyberbullying a crime.

As more people are on the Internet now more than ever before, it is increasingly becoming a problem. Some methods of this bizarre behavior include gaining trust of someone and then abusing it, impersonating another person, posting derogatory information about a person or posting their information on the Internet.

New Hampshire has expanded its bullying laws to include digital harassment.  Nevada lawmakers have set up criminal penalties for those convicted of bullying others electronically.

How To Be Internet Savvy

Parents and caring adults need to learn all they can about this expanding problem.  Not only to help the children or themselves from cyberbullies, but to make sure their messages are not being misinterpreted. You will find excellent information on this subject at http://cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/101safetytips

The more you know about the Internet and online bullying, the more you can do to protect yourself and those who are looking to you for protection and guidance.

The Dangers Of Cell Phone Texting

In today’s modern world, children are starting to use technology earlier and earlier. There are very  few eight year olds who do not know how to send an email, check a profile on FaceBook, or send a text message. They are often teaching the adults in their lives how to text messages.

Before the wide use of cell phones, bullying typically began to escalate around the third grade, peaking by about eighth grade and tapering off in high school.  Those of us who do research and interviews on this subject, find it now starts earlier and lasts much longer.

Cell phone texting and online messages make it easier to cyberbully. Parents need to learn how to deal with this issue.

Cell Phones and Cyberbully

The combination of cyberspace, availability of cell phone and the internet and vulnerable children can be a recipe for disaster. Cell phone texting is one of the things that cyber bullies are using to harm those who they dislike or want to humiliate.

Cyberbullying may carry cruelty to new extremes. Because of the immediacy of cell phones teens who are in a bad mood may post a message they later regret.

There are those who use the cell phone as a weapon to taunt, tease and torture others.  Blasting is a phrase that has been used to describe a “blast” of private information posted online and passed around to a large group of followers.

Sexual Predators Are Looking For Victims

Bullies and sexual predators are taking advantage of these venues to target the younger generation. Everyone knows that young people are very adept at texting.

And while at one time words and fists were used to threaten those that were disliked, now bullies are turning to cell phones and computers as their secret weapons. And these are more effective at causing harm and humiliation than anyone ever dreamed of.

Adults Need  To Learn About The Dangers

One of the scariest things about cyber bullying is that it is hard for parents or other authorities to see or recognize. While a threatening scene in the school hall or cafeteria could have been visible to many, threatening texts are personal and only seen by the person to whom they are sent.

They may leave a child or teen frightened, vulnerable and emotionally scarred.

Empower Youth To Hit Delete

Experts say that most teenagers will not admit to receiving unfriendly or threatening texts because of fear and pride.

They do not want mommy coming to school to back them up; that would be embarrassing and make them more prone to humiliation. And perhaps they are afraid of being hurt if they tell someone.

More young people carry cell phones than ever before, and concern over text messaging safety is becoming more important. There are a few guidelines that should be followed to help keep teenagers safe.

Talk Often To Teens

They should never text personal information such as address, full name, or any other information or pictures that could lead a predator to them. Parents should also make sure that they talk to their children regularly about cyber bullying.

And if a situation becomes serious or threatening messages are sent, the authorities should be notified.

The more open the lines of communication between generations of caring adults, the more likely they are to report any issues.

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

Empowering a Bystander or Witness to Crime

It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. We’re sitting in the office, playing on the swings, or walking our dogs and then it happens:  a mugging, a purse snatching, animal mistreatment or bullying.

In a split second we are drawn in a trauma or drama that is not expected and we feel has very little meaning to us personally.

What Would You Do

Adrenalin kicks in immediately and our bodies are flooded with messages to fight or take flight.  Do we get involved or do we stand by and watch or even leave the scene so we won’t have to see another human being or animal being abused?

Some of us are able to stop the problem immediately but others struggle with the decision… Old issues and experiences from childhood or the past will color how much power we feel that we have to intercede.

We may feel powerful or powerless.

When you witness a bullying situation or crime, you can call police and ask for assistance.

Those of us who are powerless or uninterested in helping become bystander bullies and add to the trauma of the victim.

There Are  No Winners

The seemingly innocent witness to this social crime may seem as if they don’t have much to do with it. This is not always true.

Bystanders can, without meaning to, make the victim of bullying feel even worse. They may end up inflicting more pain with their silence than any physical punishment can.

In addition to this, individuals who witness bullying by either verbal or physical harm often feel so much guilt and pressure they end up with more mental and psychological problems than the actual victim. Stomach aches, headaches, and even ulcers have been attributed to the lack of action from these bystanders.

Do You Get Involved?

It is understandable that people could be afraid to stand up to bullies. We all fear the possibility of being shunned or mocked for good deeds.

We don’t always like what we see but the chance of it being inflicted upon us rather than someone else is often enough to stay our hands and voices.

Get Help or Give Help

That is why it’s so important for us to remind individuals who see bullying that you don’t have to be out on a limb in order to stand up to bullies. Anonymous calls, tips, and information are easy enough to get to adults or supervisors.

Being a bystander bully isn’t the only option out there. You can always lend a hand to someone that you see who is too weak to stand up for him or her self. The important thing is to remember that as long as you’re silent there is no one who is going to take a stand.

Questions About How You Feel

1. Have you ever seen a bullying situation and were not sure what to do?
2. Have you become involved by calling authorities?
3. Have you ever had a bully turn on you when you tried to help the victim?
4. Have you ever assisted someone after they have gone through a trauma?
5. What were you feeling in each of these situations?

Please feel free to answer and comment on these questions.  It is good to get a conversation going on how we can empower bystanders and witnesses to crime and bullying.  As each one of us steps up to be counted, we can lessen the trauma and drama of those who need assistance.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

Taunting, Teasing and Traumatic

Thousands of children go to school every day full of fear.

They are the targets of bullies whose intended goal is to make their lives miserable. Whether the bullying consists of mental abuse like taunting and teasing or more outwardly acts of physical abuse, most bullies like to have an audience for their ruthless activities.

Their misery and loss of self esteem is often further compounded by the bystander bully, a witness who does nothing to intervene.

Many children are afraid to go to school because of teasing, taunting and bullying.

Without realizing it, those who idly watch can become victims themselves.

Bystander and Witness to The Crime

Whether or not they actually support and encourage the events or simply watch, the bystanders and witnesses are participants.

In many cases, the participation is involuntary and they can become victims too.

Bystanders can make a significant difference in exposing and stopping aggressive acts. However, children will understandably have real fears about interfering with bullies. They might be afraid of embarrassment in front of their peers or of being alienated from social groups. Of course, they may have a good reason to dread becoming a target themselves.

Bystanders Who Do Not Speak Up

As a result, those who witness trauma can suffer as much as the obvious victim from similar anxieties, depression and mental anguish. They will frequent want to be able to stop what is going on, but lack the skills or courage to do so.

They can develop overwhelming guilt and stress from not taking action to end something they know is wrong. It is not unusual to see this stress manifest itself in physical disorders like ulcers or chronic headaches.

Anti Bullying Programs Teach Skills

For this reason, children need be taught and empowered to become involved in stopping these types of actions. They should be instructed in ways they can quietly notify adults to expose those who engage in abusive behavior. They need to know that their best course of action is to seek out someone who can stop the physical and emotional pain.

The whole school, church or organization needs to adopt a policy of respect for all. Empathy is a character trait that should be modeled and taught by adults. Positive social skills need to be encouraged in order for them to become automatic action and a habit for life.

Regardless of whether a student joins in or simply observes, they are involved nonetheless. The bystander bully not only perpetuates unacceptable behavior, but can run the risk of unwittingly being added to the list of those who are abused.

Questions To Think About

1. 1. Have you ever been a witness to someone bullying someone else and not spoken up because you were afraid?
2. 2. Later when you had a chance to reflect on the situation, did you wish you had done something to help the victim?
3. 3. What would you do if you saw a friend being bullied?
4. 4. What would you do if it was a stranger?
5. 5. Do you know that if you show signs of compassion or assistance for the victim, the trauma is lessened?

It is not easy to step up when someone is being bullied, but wouldn’t you want someone to come to your assistance if you were being hurt?

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Bullying is much more common in schools, churches and organizations than most adults realize. Children or teens who are harassed in this way or watch as others are victimized will often keep quiet about the matter, feeling that they may be in danger if they were to alert an adult.

When it comes to facts about bullying in schools, one should first realize that there are many different types of bullying, including, physical bullying, psychological bullying, and social bullying and of course cyberbullying, which is becoming more violent and threatening each day.

Definition of Bullying

Bullying is an act or pattern of acts to humiliate, intimidate and embarrass others in an effort to gain power or status.  Goals and methods  of bullying may take varying forms depending on the situation.

Traditionally, bullying has taken place in person, between two individuals or small groups.  Most bullies do not want to be observed or the incident to be reported. However, there are times when larger groups or gangs of people gather to observe and inadvertently contribute to the victimization by their inaction or encouraging of the bully.

School should be a safe and nurturing enviroment. For many children and teens it is filled with violence and intimidation.

Cyberbullying or online bullying is when someone uses electronic methods to post or share intimidating, embarrassing photos, threatening or cruel statements. This is a method that is also used to manipulate feelings and encourage others to do something they ordinarily would not do.

Because this is a fairly new problem for families and individuals around the world, there is a lot of controversy on how to best deal with the offenders.

Playground Politics

Bullies are usually very easy to identify. Ask the children.  They are very much aware of the playground politics and can name the different groups easily. They know who is in the   popular group, the academics, the jocks, the neglected, the accepted and the unaccepted.

Kids tend to have an instinct on who is “in” and who is “out.”  This division is one of the underlying causes of bystander bullies.  Many kids who are on the fringe of a group are hesitant to rock the boat by standing up for the victim for fear they will lose their standing in the group and the bully will then turn on them.

Combating School Yard Bullies

There is ample research  which shows how children have historically victimized each other in both large and small ways. Children are often oblivious to the rights of others. Only on rare occasions do they defend other children who are being victimized by bullies.

In a study done in Canadian schools in 1995 researchers discovered acts of bullying took place at a rate of 4.5 times each hour, by placing video cameras on school playgrounds. Of the sample group in this study it was found that 54 per cent of the students passively stood by and watched the bully victimize another student, while 21 per cent actively modeled the bully and only 25 per cent actually intervened on behalf of the bully.

Please ask your school district to invest in Bully Prevention Programs.

How Bystander Bully Assistance Can Help You Through A Traumatic CyberBullying Situation

If you are the victim of cyber bullying you are not alone. As the prevalence of internet use increases among all age groups there is a greater need for better restrictions and assistance on how both youth and adults communicate online.

Being the target of malicious attacks is a difficult and embarrassing event for anyone. Enlisting the right bystander bully assistance can help educate you and your young one on how to respond when personal attacks are made online.

Targeted Threats

Numerous reports of individuals being overwhelmed by “mean speak”; threats and suicide encouragement have been presented by the news media.  Phoebe Prince from MA is an example of a teen who felt she had no one to turn to for help.

There has been for a long time no real protocol in dealing with these attacks. Schools, churches and organizations are caught in the bind of not knowing who is responsible. The public onslaughts of vicious speak have left many feeling as though there is no way out.

Internet Safety

Teach teens that cybrbullying is a crime. Help them resist the urge to pass along hurtful messages. Learn internet safety.

Having to deal with nasty e-mails, death threat and pranks can be overwhelming, especially if the victim is young, which the case is most often. Many young people are not aware of the consequences that a posted message can have.

Often the response to an unpopular statement or opinion can become terrifying when meted out by the wrong group. It is not like bullying in the old days when your enemy was right in front of you and you could fight it out or tell the principal.

Nowadays, cyberbullying is very anonymous and the venom is passed from cell phone to computer to FaceBook to MySpace and can be global almost instantly.

Teach Teens To Not Pass On Gossip Online

While adults have a better understanding of the resources that may be available to help them deal with a tumultuous situation online, teenagers often do not.

They generally tend to weather the storm alone hoping that it will subside by itself. Unfortunately due to ease of access, these situations generally continue to spiral out of control if unchecked until an awful climax is reached.

Words Have Power for Good and Bad

Teaching your children smart internet skills is one way to avoid the hassle. Make certain that they understand the effects that different forms of online communication have on their privacy.  Help them to pause and think before sending on a message that might hurt or embarrass another.

As a family discussion continue to share with them the less than stellar responses received by teenagers that share too much information. It is also imperative to keep the lines of communication open in order to ensure that your child is not quietly suffering as a victim.

Help them to brainstorm ideas of being brave enough to stand up for someone being cyberbullied or to refuse to pass on hurtful messages. Just one person being kind can make a huge difference in the lives of others.

When they are aware of the consequences of bullying, it is far less likely that they will have to endure or become a part of it in any way.

Questions to ponder

1. Have you ever had someone say something mean about you and played like it didn’t matter?
2. Do you know it is against the law in many areas to harass or threaten someone online?
3. If a friend were being cyberbullied, could you help them?  How?
4. Do you know where to find information on internet safety?

The Bystander Bully Is Traumatized Too

We have all seen it and discussed it at some point. Bullying is a harmful offense, often committed by someone who is dealing with insecurities in their own life. Both the bully and the bullied are hurt in this situation. However, many fail to notice one of the most important persons in a situation such as this: the bystander.

It seems that there is always a bystander, or likely more than one, when someone else is being sabotaged.

As a bystander or witness to a crime of bullying, you have an obligation to speak up and get help. If not , you as well as the bully and victim will suffer from the incident.

The bystander bully is the one person who could make a difference in this painful social triangle.

Transference of Trauma

Everyone recognizes that bullies and those who are bullied are suffering. Victims and targets who are traumatized are easy to pinpoint. However, those who are the bystanders are also suffering. As they stand by and watch, their conscience is smarting, and they will likely go home that day with guilty images and nightmares about a situation they knew was wrong, but did not know what to do about it.

The trauma that some experience after witnessing a bullying scene, especially children, is just as life altering as being the victim of the bully. These individuals need some instruction and guidance about how to stop bullies and to support those who have been traumatized.

Cowards or Courageous

Some would label bystanders as cowards, and they are in a way, but they are also simply scared that they are going to become the bullied by placing themselves on the line. Parents and teachers should step up and recognize the need for children to be educated about the effects of bullying and the power of the bystander.

In many cases, as one becomes brave enough to stand up to the bully, others will also take a stand and create a new social dynamic. Even the pat on the arm of someone who has been bullied to indicate that it was not their fault can change the episode to be less traumatic.

All Victims – Target, Bully and Witness

All three parties here need help. And perhaps one may feel safe because they are the friend of the bully, but someone who treats others with this type of disrespect are just as likely to turn on those they call their friends.

No one is exempt from harm; the bully, the victim and the witnesses to the crime.

The sooner a bystander can learn to take a stand over abuse, the sooner this situation can be brought to an end

Tender Mercies,

Judy Helm Wright

PS: If your child is having difficulty making friends, you will want to claim a free e-course on “likebilty” from http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com You will be glad you did.

The Helplessness Of The Bystander Bully

A bully is tearing through his latest victim. You’re scared, unsure of what to do. You see other people just like you standing around with stunned, fearful expressions written on their faces. Some of them begin to speak up but not in the way you would expect. Instead they are egging the violence on.

If you are witness to the violence of bullying and don't speak up or try to help the victim, you are called a bystander bully.

For whatever reason you simply watch while the violence continues.

You are officially a bystander bully. Psychologists and mainstream media are starting to study the effects of the learned helplessness of not speaking up.

Helpless or Hopeful

The bystander can have just as much affect on a situation as an active bully. These bullies often increase the amount of emotional and physical pain a victim is subjected to when they have an audience. Bullies want attention and are hoping they can show their superior power, but feel deflated when others speak up and call the bully out.

Bullies, targets and bystanders are damaged when the violence is not addressed and stopped.

Bullies who continue to tease, taunt and humiliate can harm more than just the victim being bullied, but frequently hurt themselves in the long run. The bully will continue to believe that it is okay to violate the rights of others.

Bystanders who take no action during a bullying incident is taking place often report higher levels of stress, fear, anxiety, and guilt, not only during the fight but symptoms show up for years later. These emotions can manifest themselves into headaches, cramps, and even ulcers. This is in addition to sleepless night and a great deal of other mental and stressful issues.

In addition, people (especially children) who do nothing during an attack are more likely to become bullies themselves.

Too Scared To Act

It is understandable why individuals may be too scared to call out the bully. Fear of having the spotlight moved from the victim to you stops many from speaking up.. When you step out into the rain it’s to be expected that you will get wet. When put into harms way you run the risk that you will become the next target. There is also the fear of embarrassment or being ostracized.

There Are Other Choices

There is great importance in remembering to explain to bystanders that you don’t have to put yourself in danger in order to stop a bully. Phone lines, anonymous tips, and unsigned sent notes are all good ways to call for an adult or supervisor. Appealing to other bystanders is a way to form a cohesive anti-movement against bullies. Rather than singling yourself out you appear as part of a disgruntled mob.

Being a bystander bully doesn’t have to be your only choice. Sometimes you can find yourself so chocked up with terror that you can’t move or speak. Still, there are ways to do so without singling yourself out. A bully is only as powerful as the people who refuse to speak up in his presence.

Be a voice and help someone. Don’t just be a bystander and spectator to bullying, but a witness to peace and respect for all.