Becoming desensitized to violence- bully bystanders

We become a part of our immediate environment.  Everyone adjusts to a new “normal” when we move to a new place or change those around us.  None of us are immune to the influences in our world. When our friends, family, neighbors, television shows, video games, music are present, as human beings we adjust to that level of life.

Actions are shaped by what we live with

Have you ever known someone who went overseas for a few years and has returned with an accent? Have you gone to a new school or workplace and gotten the silent shorthand of what is accepted and what is not accepted.  You learn the dress code by seeing what others are wearing. You soon learn what is expected of your position by watching and following the example of others.

If it is accepted  in your university for seniors to haze the new freshman, then you may laugh and think it is just the way it is. If your family and friends talk in a derogatory way about a certain nationality or religion, you may not find it that offensive when you see it in a movie.

Unaware of  ethics shifting

The fascinating thing about being human is that change happens so gradually that we often don’t see it unless we step away.  When you have been raised to be neat and orderly and then have messy roommates, you gradually become more sloppy.  At first you resent that others don’t have the same values as you do, then you start thinking you might as well join them. Pretty soon, messy is the new normal.

It is only when you step back or change your environment influence that you will realize that it is not in your best interest to continue.  If you live in Montana, as our family does, it is only when we go to a smog filled and traffic filled city that we recognize that we do not belong there.  It is not who we are.

Choose to be true to your beliefs and values

You stand in a position of choice always.  If your friends and family accept that it is okay to humiliate, embarrass or hurt others, you have the ability to choose and to change.  What that means is that you need to decide the kind of person you really are and act accordingly.  That may take making a decision to speak up when something that you previously accepted is no longer acceptable to you.

It may not be comfortable. You may even offend some of your old friends and associates.  But then on the other hand, you may be the leader of a new set of values.  You will help them to become more sensitive to the feelings and emotions of others.  You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Useful questions

1. Do you find yourself swearing more when your friends and associates swear or use profanity?
2. Have you noticed that when you are around critical people you become more critical?
3. Have you hesitated when someone says a derogatory remark and you are afraid to speak up?
4. Do you agree that  like attracts like?  Happy people like to hang around with happy people.
5. Will you have the courage to speak up when you see something that goes against what is right and respectful?

If you are serious about changing your life and becoming more sensitive to the feelings of others, then start today to be kind and speak up against injustice.

The Language of Bullies – Power of Mean Words

In recent years we have taken Political Correctness to new heights to show respect for different races and religions. It is no longer socially acceptable to use derogatory names to label a person based on faith or ethnicity. So why is it socially acceptable to use words like Fat or Stupid or Gay?

Gender Differences in Bullying

Boys who bully tend to be more physical with lots of hitting, pushing, and violence in general.  Their choice of hurtful words usually center on sexual orientation or accusing both boys and girls of being gay, bisexual or promiscuous.  Research has shown that males who are regularly exposed to media or video violence are apt to become desenitized to real-life violence.  They are less likely to be sensitive to the pain of others and thus become bully bystanders.

Girls or females, however, tend to hurt and bully by using emotional and psychological means to isolate and embarrass other girls.

Boys bully with attacks on sexual orientation, strength and ability to win games.

While a boy’s favorite taunt is “gay” or “fag” a girl almost always goes for the physical attributes.  So the dreaded taunt of the female is “fat” or “ugly.”

Nasty Name Calling

In many schools or work places, for example, if a person were to call an African-American by that now taboo “N” word they would be hauled into an office and disciplined. We regularly hear people called Fat, or Stupid, and not much is done about it.

Many, many studies have shown, and it is widely known that name calling can have a profound affect on a person psychologically. So why are these types of slights against another person socially acceptable to so many?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

The old nursery story that our parents advised us to say when someone teased us is not only eneffective, but a lie.  Words can and do hurt. Physical wounds do heal much faster than those in the heart and soul. Be sure to sign up to receive your free report on bullying by going to http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

Words can be used as weapons. The words people use to label us enter into our inner dialogue and can really affect how we feel about ourselves.

Words have Power

We need to teach our children to chose the words they use wisely. Children and adults alike need to think about how they would feel if someone was using that language to talk about them or someone they loved.  Too much television and video involvement may give a false sense of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in society. Some individuals have become desensitized to real life violence, pain and suffering.

We, as a global society, need to stop casually throwing around words that are hurtful. All caring adults will model and teach how empathy, kindness and responsible action makes for a better world and a happier day for all involved.  If you would like assistance on teaching these life skills, please go to http://www.kidschoresandmore.com

We All Stand In Choice

Children and teens should be taught that being positive is a lifestyle choice which will bring joy, and happiness to themselves and the people around them. You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Celebrity figures are speaking up about the high cost of bullying. Adding to the voices of those who have been bullied or had loved ones take their lives over bullying, many famous names are now taking a stand against bullies and those who deliberately humilate others.

In a plea during an appearance on the Ellen Degneres show recently NFL Football great Drew Brees had this to say:

“If you think that making fun of someone is harmless, you are wrong. If you think its OK to do because everyone else is doing it you’re wrong. Bullying has to stop, and it has to start with you. I want my fans to know that if you’re making fun of someone because they are different, then you are no friend of mine. If you are being bullied I want you to know that there is support. I support you. Making fun of someone because they are different from you, that’s not being tough. Its being ignorant. Appreciating people for how they are different from you, that’s what it takes to be a friend.”

Brees isn’t the only one concerned about bullying. The topic has been in the forefront of the media recently with the high profile suicides of four young people whose deaths were the result of constant bullying.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper has always been on the forefront of this subject, reporting on the issue regularly and trying to make a difference.

In a recent appearance on the Ellen Degeneres show Copper suggested that he doesn’t recall being bullied himself, but he does remember standing by and watching others be bullied. He said as a bystander he remembers having a sense of relief that he wasn’t the person being picked on.

Cooper said the bystanders need to intervene and stand up against a bully to help break the cycle. It is not easy to empower children

Working together we can build a world of mutual respect and kindness for all.

unless we can model and teach the skills.

We all know that growing up, particularly during the teen years is difficult for everyone. Parents need to understand that today’s teens have a much different experience than they had.

For more information on bullying and the effect it can have on individuals, families, schools and communities, please check out http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

You will be able to claim a free report for parents and teachers on what to look for if your child has been bullied or is a bully. You will also find techniques to use to build up the assertiveness skills and self esteem of children and teens.

About Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change – In his groundbreaking book, Wise Mind, Open Mind pioneering psychotherapist, Dr. Ronald Alexander shares his innovative program for using mindfulness meditation, creative thinking, and positive psychology to transform times of crisis or change into opportunities for greater personal awareness, clarity, and creativity.  His original three-step plan includes, learning to let go of resistance to change, learning to tune in to your soul’s deep wisdom or core creativity; and then learning how to move forward based on your newly acquired insight.

“Tween” girls, those who are between 9 to 12 usually form some kind of an informal group or club.  Adults call it a clique, a french word for coterie, which means a close very exclusive and selective group of friends and members.  There is often the odd girl out of the group or favor of the Queen Bee and her troop of Wannabees.

The popular girls are not necessarily the nicest and most welcoming into the clique.  They may not even be the most well liked.  They are, however, the most feared and obeyed.  Girls of this age can be extremely cruel in the way they exclude those they feel are social liabilities or deserve to be punished.

Tween and teen girls need to belong to a group or clique. It is scary to be alone and they want to fit in. but at what costs?

Girls need to belong

During this vulnerable time of changing hormones and transitions in middle school, most girls feel too vulnerable to face the word alone and need the security of the group to provide strength and a sense of belonging.  Much like the playground politics where younger kids learn the unspoken rules of conduct and  who is the ‘head honcho’ this is the way that girls learn what is expected of them, in dress, attitude and performance.

Scary to be alone

When girls find their group and are accepted into the clique, they seem to relax. They know they will have someone to eat lunch with and to call after school. They know that the group will tell them if their hair is too short or the jeans need to be tighter.  In a group, girls can observe boys and giggle about them safely.  Most girls feel too vulnerable to face the halls of school, the mall or life without the protection and guidance of the group.

It is no wonder that many girls will go against their value system and bully others, or at least not speak up when some one is being picked on or teased.  She values her position within the group so much that she will deny her intelligence or superior athletic ability if that is not a chosen standard for the group.

Odd girl out

Adolescent girls are usually insecure about who they are and worry constantly about life and their place in the scheme of things.  They are pretty self centered and find it hard to see beyond their own needs and insecurities.

They tend to take rejection personally and feel that any slight was because of something they did or did not do.  One of the most important things a parent can do is to help the daughter to  look at things through a wider lens. Perhaps Sally could not spend the night, but she still may want to hang out together at the mall.  Help her to see that there are many solutions to each situation, never just one right or wrong answer.

Questions to think about

• Why do you think it is important to feel a part of the group at this age?
• Do you think girls are meaner than boys?
• How could you help your daughter to develop a network of friends?
• Is it important to be in the ‘popular’ group for your daughter? Why?

Adolescents is a scary time for girls and boys.  Sometimes it feels like the law of the jungle in the halls of a middle school. The more you can model empathy and kindness, the more your child will develop a strong sense of self, no matter what clique or group she is in.  You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Hello from Montana, USA

Megan Barr, an Associated Press Writer recently wrote an article on the Ohio school that has had at least four suicides in little more than two years because of bullying.  Reading the article, my heart was touched for the parents and extended families of these young people who were ready to forgo the future rather than face one more day.

Sladjana Vidovic, who was originally from Bosnia, was pretty, vivacious and charming.  She had a lot going for her.  She was loved and honored by her family. She had a best friend and like most young teenagers they probably giggled about boys and makeup and which jeans looked best.

But they didn’t laugh about school.  Because attending high school was even more traumatic for Sladjana than usual.  She was teased, taunted and bullied almost daily. She also committed suicide or “bullycide”  a phrase coined by Tim Field, an early researcher into bullying.  Her parents as well as others are suing the school district, claiming their children were bullied to death and the school did nothing to stop it.

Conflict or Bullying

There is a difference between normal peer conflict with teens and bullying. In a normal conflict there a spat that occurs occasionally, or someone is pushed or bumped accidentally.  In a normal playground or lunchroom tangle, there is usually a emotional pitch of anger or fear, but then the problem is resolved and life goes on.

In bullying a student or group of students target an individual repeatedly over time, using physical or psychological aggression to dominate and harass the victim.  There is an inherent power imbalance and a definite intent to harm with bullying. It is not an accidental push, but a premeditated and deliberate shove to show power and dominance.

As technology has increased over the last decade, more and more children are on cell phones and social media. This means that the bullying can go on 24/7 and the child is not even safe in their home. This cyberbullying is especially hateful, because it can be anonymous.

Reasons For Bullying

Sladjana’s reason for being a target; she was a girl and she was different from the Queen Bees and the Wannabe tribe who rules the halls of Mentor, Ohio school district and almost all of the high schools in the world.  Mean girls may not be as physical as mean boys, but can do irreparable harm psychologically.

Targets for bullies are usually those who don’t fit into the bullies preconceived boundaries of what is “in.”

Bullying Can Lead To Depression and even suicide or "bullyside." Learn the signs now.

The targets can be anyone and the bullying can happen anytime, even though most bullies feed on an audience recognizing his/her power.

Questions To Think About

• How do you treat those who are of different race, religion, sexual orientation or ability?
• Do you think school districts do enough to control aggression and bullying?
• Do you think it is always easy to tell when someone is being bullied?
• What would you do if  a child told you that they do not feel safe at school?

We Can learn to treat others with respect and kindness.  The easiest way to stop bullying is to stop allowing it in our families, neighborhoods, schools and communities.  We can speak up when we see someone treated unfairly.  I am ready to stop bullying, how about you?

Be sure to sign up for the free report at http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com It has resources and information about bullying and suicide prevention.  You will be glad you did.

PS: To read the full article, as reported by Yahoo News go to http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101008

Hello from Montana,

Thanks for visiting this blog and joining a community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all. Dr. Phil McGraw is also part of this community against cyberbullying.

My goal as a “BullyAdvocate” is to:

• Empower the bully to gain empathy and other ways of communication
• Empower the victim or target to gain skills in assertiveness and setting boundaries
• Empower the bystander to speak up and let others know that cruel behavior is not cool

According to National Association of School Psychologists, about one in seven schoolchildren has either been a bully or the target of a bully.

What If Your Child Is The Bully

Bullies come in all sizes, shapes and temperaments.  They may come for a dysfunctional home, but may also come from a great home with parents who care deeply and are mystified as to why their child would deliberately hurt or abuse someone else.

It may be teasing that got out of hand. It might be revenge. It might be part of “group think” or power of peer pressure.  It may be behavior that mimics what was seen in a movie or television show.  It can also be that the personality is manipulative and self-centered.

No matter why or how your child tries to dominate others, it is important to teach empathy and kindness.  Helping a child who has been bullying others for power or attention, may

As many bullies as there are in the world, the one common denominator is a desire for power. They want to win at all costs.

If your child
What To Do If Your Child Is Being Bullied

The first thing to do is remain calm and remember you are the adult, not the child you were when you were being bullied in the third grade. Listen to your child’s story and reinforce that you want to help him/her solve the problem and what would they prefer you do to help.  It is important to let them know it is not their fault and that there are mean people in the world who deliberately hurt others with words or actions.

If your child needs social skill training, help them role play some responses to the bully.  Teach them about being assertive and give them some words to say that will deflect the bullies anger or hurtful conduct. You will find some great exercises and techniques  in my book and classes at http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

Children who are different in some way or have behaviors that annoy or amuse their school mates still have a right to be treated with respect and kindness. But, as parents, we may need to coach our children in ways to increase “likeabilty.”

Bullied kids feel helpless and hopeless. This can lead to depression.

What if Your Child Witnesses Violence?

Remember to empower young  people by reminding them they are strong and capable and that you have confidence in them. Help them to see that they have a voice and a choice not only in their actions but in their reactions.

If they have witnessed bullying but did not speak up, they will be traumatized and feel they have betrayed their value system.  Help them to understand the power of the word.  A single word of kindness  or a pat on the arm can make the difference in not only how the victim feels but how they feel about the situation.

Practice with them as they speak in a polite assertive voice “Hey cut it out.” Or,  “Please stop. No one deserves to be treated that way.”

There are no winners in a bullying situation. The bully, the bullied and the bystander all suffer in some way.

By teaching respect and kindness for all, we can build a better world.  For more information, please see http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com and leave a comment or claim your free report on bullying.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright

Dealing With Online Bullies

With the advancement in modern technology the evolution of the bully has moved from playgrounds, workplaces and gyms to the internet. It is not that kids being mean to one another is anything new. But the methods and techniques are certainly more sophisticated and allow more cruelty because of constant access and the power to be anonymous.

Cell Phones and Social Media Make Being Mean Easy

Unlike adults, kids don’t regard technology as separate from the rest of their lives. Many have a cell phone in their hands and moving to text or talk constantly.

Cell phones and social media have made it easy for mean kids to bully online and become cyber bullies.

Bullies are now using chat rooms and social media sites to attack their victims. Bullies use the cyberspace to leave harsh, cruel or even threatening comments for their victims.

Sometimes bullies post fake or hurtful videos, or even create fake online profiles to harm the reputation of the person they wish to victimize.

FaceBook Works To Stop Offenders

Social networking sites like FaceBook work hard to control serious incidents through online reporting. Through filing a report users can have wrongful photos or comments removed from the site.

FaceBook also enforces consequences for the aggressor up to, and including closing their account for serious offenders. But, unfortunately, kids are smart and pretty internet savvy. They can start another account with a false name and new email address.

No Easy Answers or Solutions to Combat CyberBullies

So, how do we combat online bullies? There are a number of software programs and online services that can help parents monitor what kids are doing online.

There are also services to help parents monitor text messaging on cell phones, which is another rapidly growing problem.

We need to encourage our children to inform parents, teachers or other responsible adults when they are being bullied whether it is face-to-face or online.

Recently authorities have begun taking credible threats of injury or damage to property very seriously. In serious cases authorities should be contacted to deal with bullying concerns in an efficient manner.

Questions To Ask Yourself:

• Would I be able to tell if my child is being bullied online?

• Is my child mature enough to conduct him or herself responsibly on social networking sites?

• How will I monitor my child’s activities online?

• How will I deal with incidents of bullying against my child or, if I find my child is bullying someone else?

Cyberbullying is a serious threat to individuals globally.  Teaching internet safety and social skills online is a part of what a caring parent does.  You should be informed and aware of what your child is sending and receiving online.

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright, family relationship author and keynote speaker

Wise Use of Cell Phones and Social Networking

As more advanced cellular software, texting and social networking has become ‘the thing to do’ for children and teens there has been a marked rise in the misuse of these services.

Examples of Cyberbullying

Adults Must Model and Teach Wise Use of Cell Phones

• Harassment…this is generally viewed as repetitive offensive messages sent to a target or victim.
• Outing.. sharing personal, often embarrassing information with others.  This is like gossip in real life, but much more hurtful because it can be posted so many more people see and comment on private information.
• Flaming…a brief, heated exchange in a public setting, such as chat rooms or discussion groups.
• Cyberstalking…this is the use of electronic communications which is repetitive harassing threats.

Cyberbullying Help

Parents need to discuss internet safety with their children ongoing.  Children need to understand that embarrassing others in person or online is not tolerated or acceptable behavior.

Kids can be very cruel. When they are not using body language or non-verbal communication, it is easy to get much more graphic and a lot more hurtful.

Young people can quickly type into a phone and instantly send their message out to everyone on their telephone contact list.

In a matter of seconds someone’s reputation can be ruined. That may only be part of the problem. There are cases where situations have gotten so bad that children have taken drastic measures such as lashing out at a bully, or even taking their frustration out on themselves.

Several suicides have been reported as a result of cyberbullying.

How Do You Stop Something Like This From Happening?

How do you keep your child from adding fuel to the fire and causing problems for other children?

One of the first things parents need to do is assess whether their child is mature enough to use a cell phone without supervision. Many cellular providers offer a service for parents reporting what has been texted and to whom. This can be a valuable tool for parents and caregivers.

Keep Lines of Communication Open With Kids

The best way to prevent your child from getting mixed up with this type of bullying is to talk to them. Explain the dangers that come with texting hurtful things.

What if your child is on the receiving end? You can encourage them to tell you, and in turn you need to be there from them as they work through it. If the situation gets bad enough you may even consider speaking with the authorities.

By carefully monitoring what our children do with their cell phones, we can prevent situations from escalating and getting out of hand.

Questions to Ask Yourself:

• Is my child mature enough to handle a cell phone which allows them access to text messaging?
• What would I do if I found out my child was sending harassing texts?
• What would I do if my child was on the receiving end of harassing texts?
• How will I monitor what my child is doing with his or her cell phone?

Teach and model good behavior online and with other people. Respect and kindness is the basis for healthy relationships and happy lives.  You can do it. I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright, author and speaker on family relationship issues

http://www.ArtichokePress.com