Effects of Girls Who Bully Other Girls

Bullying can take many different forms especially in a society that values technology so highly. Text bullying and online bullies are quite common. In particular, a girl bullying victims will often be much more subtle in the tactics used.

Queen Bees and Wanna Bees

Girls will usually form groups and use these to their advantage, encouraging a group to gang up on one victim. The Queen Bee is the leader and holds the keys of power to the clique. It is she who dictates what to wear, how to talk, walk and befriend.

The Wanna Bees, the other girls in the clique are in fear of disappointing the leader of the pack.  They are eager to share the power and gain favor in the eyes of the other mean girls in the group.

All girls want to belong to a social group and have friends. Queen Bees, the leader of a clique, can decide their fate in school. It is all about power.

Effects of Cyberbullying

Because students prefer to use phones for texting rather than talking, many texts and messages fly through cyber air about who is in and who is out.

One seventh grade girl told me recently, “None of our fights were face to face, we were too afraid the teacher would catch us. It is easier to fight online, because you feel more powerful. You can also be as mean as you want to on FaceBook. It is kind of fun to “dis” somebody.”

Cyberdramas of Girls

If there is a conflict between teenage couples, surprisingly, the girls will blame the girl and want to “punish her.”  In the Phoebe Prince suicide in Massachusetts, even though  the boy and girl were no longer dating, when he started dating Phoebe, she was bullied and attacked.

The groups will usually pick and choose their members and exclude others, sometimes completely at random.

While it is normal for both girls and boys to form social groups and strong bonds that naturally exclude others, it becomes bullying when power plays over individuals or other groups are involved.

Questions on Girls and Cyberbullying – We welcome comments

• Why do you think girls turn against each other over the attention of a boy?
• Do all cultures have cliques of girls?
• Do you remember a Queen Bee from middle school?
• Why do you think it is important for a young girl to fit into a group?
• Is cyberbullying more dangerous than face-to-face bullying?

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This poem about cyberbullying was sent by a young man in response to a posting I had done.

He asked me to share with others his view on the Internet. He prefers to remain anonymous.

Please read the poem and then share with your family.

The Digirata — by ”Anonymous”
GO placidly amid the hot links and the distractions,
and remember what peace there may be in unplugging.
As far as possible be on good terms with all persons online and never
never flame others or engage
in any kind of cyberbullying or cyberstalking.

Key in your truths quietly and clearly;
and read what others have to say, too
even the dull and the ignorant;
for they too have their stories and ideas to impart, even if you disagree.

Avoid angry and aggressive flamers and out of control cyberbullies,
for they are vexations to the spirit of the internet.

If you compare your blog with other blogs that are better and have
more visitors,
you may become vain and bitter, so just enjoy your own blog for what
it is and don’t
worry abut the big guys.

Enjoy your online achievements, as well as your plans for future downtime.

Keep interested in your own blogging, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution who you give your personal details to;
for the world is full of trickery and Nigerian scams waiting
to part you from your money.

Be yourself when you are online,
or, if it so pleases you, adopt a persona.
Use your real name or a pseudonym for your userid,
and let no one steal your password,
especially those pesky phishers.

Take kindly the counsel of your fellow bloggers
and gracefully chat with your Facebook
friends in real time. But don’t over do it,
and always take time out to unplug
and enjoy a weekly
”internet sabbath”.

You are a child of the Digital Age,
no less than the SPAM and the pixels;
and you have every right to blog to your heart’s content.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt cyberspace is unfurling as it should,
well, sort of, and you are part of the great equation,
whatever that might turn out to be.

Therefore be at peace with Amazon and Yahoo,
and make of your Kindles and your nooks what you will.
E-readers to the fore!

Whatever your labors and your aspirations,
in the multitasking distractions of cyberspace
keep peace with your soul — if you still have one.

Remember: With all its sham, mattdrudgery and quirky keyboards,
it is still a beautiful online world.

Be cheerful. Be careful, too. Use the smilely emoticon as much as possible, and
strive to be a happy camper. Unplug often.

——————————

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The Effects Of Bullying On Communities

Many communities, schools, and neighborhoods are facing the effects of bullying. Gangs and groups having one type of culture harass and fear another.

While it may seem a personal matter, it’s not. Bullying rapidly becomes a problem throughout the whole community, school, neighborhood or organization even while it may seem that just a few people are involved.

There are ways to tell if your community is becoming a target or is feeling the effects of bullying.

Many cultures make for an interesting diversity in a community. When there are "turf wars" it errodes the whole community.

• One group of individuals has priority over another
• Selective information or selective invites to community events
• No one wants to travel the streets or hallways by themselves

Fear of talking about the bullying situation. People would prefer to ignore what is going on or acknowledge that there is a problem.

Those in the group or out of the group are aware of their position within the group itself. When I was doing research for a book on children’s friendships, the kids know exactly who the popular kids, the controversial, the clowns etc are. Outsiders may not know, but those who are in the midst of the situation know the exact pecking order.

Fear Of The Unknown

Bullying comes in many forms but it usually involves fear of one type or another. This can be individual fear or group fear. Many fundamental churches fear the liberal segment of society and vice versa. Rather than communicate what each group has in common, it is easier to pull down or belittle those who do not think, look and act just like us.

Any type of subtle or overt bullying or harassment will not only affect one person or group but also steadily erode the confidence within the community.

Within a larger group you may find that one type of culture or one type of individual is not invited to share in community events, not informed of community events or is positioned on the outskirts of the event.

This is cultural bullying and will involve a whole cultural group of people. Personal or group bullying is similar but can cover differing cultures or peoples but still means one group is trying to show dominant power over another.

Exclusion or Inclusion

Exclusion of an individual can happen to anyone but it’s usually those who don’t conform or do not have a group of their own. We are much more alike than we are different.

While it’s devastating to the growth of community to not appreciate and celebrate diversity, to the individual it can actually be life threatening.

While we may not like or agree with all segments of our community, we do have an obligation to respect them and the choices they make.

Polarizing A Population

If one individual, group or segment of a community is pitted against another, there are no winners. When different “sides” or “points of view” separate rather than come together and agree to disagree, then we have an imbalance of power.

And that is a definition of bullying.

Please feel free to comment or share your thoughts.  This is one way we can get an open dialog going about the effects of bullying on communities. Check out http://cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/bullyingprevention

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Cyber Threats To Nation and Home

Tom Ridge is the president and CEO of Ridge Global.  He was the first secretary of the U.S. Homeland Security.  Before that he was governor of Pennsylvania.  In a recent newspaper article he was quoted as saying;

“The cyber threats we as Americans face today are complicated and complex.  The geographic borders that once served to protect us do not exist in the digital world.  Most of our citizens do not comprehend the fact that the geographic barriers that once gave us a personal sanctuary are no longer the primary source of protection.  Those who would do us harm-whether as nations or cyber criminals- can digitally ‘invade’ via the Internet.  And many experts believe our next major attack could occur on the cyber battlefield.”

Threat To Nation and Home

As electronic devices have become more popular with young children and teens, the issue of cyberbullying has also grown.  It is important as caring adults that we become Internet Savvy and know how to protect those who are looking to us for protection.

In this day and age, you need to be aware of the risk and know how to stop someone who is cyberbullying you or your child.

Social Networking Privacy

If your child uses an adult social networking site such as FaceBook or Twitter, teach them how to use privacy settings. This allows them to keep personal information private.  Help them set up their pages so friends can only be added with their consent.

There are many behaviors which are considered to be cyberbullying. Basically, this action is simply threatening, harassing, or stalking a person on the Internet. It may involve gossiping, lying, impersonation, or posting pictures, real or false.

Stop and Think Before Pushing Send Button

Teach your children to stop and think before pushing send.  Many text messages that come across as threatening were supposed to be funny or a joke.  Without the benefit of body language, only the words convey the message and may be misinterpreted.

While some cases of cyberbullying are not too serious, all should be considered a threat. This type of action can escalate to very a serious situation quickly. And contrary to popular belief, this type of bullying can actually be much more dangerous than bullying which takes place in person.

Families need to be Internet Savvy. Learn Internet safety tips for kids.

With a person-to-person bully, one knows exactly who is threatening them. The message can be passed around and virtual strangers will comment or gang up digitally on the target.

Difficult To Trace The Online Bully

It can be much more difficult to pinpoint and stop an online bully. Also, with electronic bullying, one is much more apt to experience emotional trauma, which can take much longer to heal than any physical wound.

Often, an individual feels that they have no safe haven from a cyberbully because this follows them even into their home. They may feel trapped. Some drastic cases have ended in suicide. Teach your children what to do when they are threatened or bullied. Talk to them about it often.

Home Is A Haven Of Safety

A parent should have a good open line of communication with their children so that they will talk to their parent when bullying is taking place. A child should feel that they can come to their parent or other caring adult at any time with these concerns.

When it comes to the Internet, parents should set strict and firm rules and hold their children to them. Use filters and only allow them to use the Internet when you are at home with them. Keep all computers in a place where kids know you have access to them.

Know your child. When you see them acting unusual or moody, this should act as a warning signal.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

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Girls Bully Girls- QueenBees and WannaBees

Emma has started puberty early and has noticeably larger breasts in September at the start of sixth grade than she did in June at the end of school.  Other girls notice her popularity with the boys and decide to “punish” her.

They start a campaign of rumors, gossip and exclusion of Emma from all activities where she used to be included as a friend.  Confused and hurt, Emma asks why she is being ignored and shunned.

One of the girls who was a former friend confesses that the only reason Emma is getting attention from boys is because she is “putting out.” She tells her that texts and messages have been going back and forth talking about “When girls have sex, their boobs get big.”

Girls can be very mean to other girls, especially about the rate of body development in puberty.

Big Problems Need Adult Intervention

Humiliated and embarrassed over the lies, Emma decides to talk to the school counselor. Fortunately the school had a caring counselor and administrative staff who called a meeting of the girls involved in the attack and their parents.

After a frank discussion over the natural development of our bodies, the counselor also talked about the need for kindness and empathy.  An anti-bullying program was set in place and parents and students were made aware of the consequences of cyberbullying.

This story had a happy ending.  Many do not.

Cyberbullying May Lead To Depression Or Even Death

In addition to texting lies and rumors, there have been some instances which included posting doctored pictures of a person on the Internet.  When a group of girls decides to turn on someone, they tend to get others involved who agree with the Queen Bee, or the girl with the most power in the group.

Other girls or Wannabees are fearful of standing up to the leader for fear they will be the next target.  They then become either participants in the cyberbullying or bystanders who do nothing to help the victim.

The bystander or witness, who does not at least try to help the victim, may suffer as much or more than the victim. They too may suffer from anxiety, fear, depression and lack of self-esteem.

There Are No Winners In Bullying Situations

A lot of damage can be done via electronic or online bullying. It can be worse than face-to-face bullying because it is can be anonymous or hard to trace.  There are a number of laws being created internationally to make this a crime.

Parade Magazine 8/22/10 Article On Cyberbullies

According to the article in a recent Parade magazine, included in our Sunday paper, laws have been passed in Massachusetts and New Hampshire expanding bullying laws to include digital harassment. Nevada and Louisiana have set up criminal penalties for those convicted of intimidating others electronically.

Missouri, a second offense can lead to felony charges.  Many teens do not realize how serious it is to cyberbully someone they don’t like or disagree with.  Many think it is funny to haze or tease a victim or target until they drop out of school or activities.

Talk Often To Young People About Empathy

Parents and other caring adults need to model empathy and kindness as well as teaching it on an ongoing basis. Parents should also make sure that they talk to their children regularly about cyber bullying.

Helping them to understand that cyberbullying is a crime and offenders will be punished.  What may have started out as a joke or misunderstanding can quickly get out of hand and lives can be ruined.

And if a situation becomes serious or threatening messages are sent, the authorities should be notified.

The more open the lines of communication between generations of caring adults, the more likely they are to come to you to help them solve big problems like cyberbullying and abuse.

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

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Who Is Cyberbullying You Or Your Child

“My child is being bullied on FaceBook.” “Girls who used to be friends are now spreading rumors by texting.”  “Someone posted lies about my son on a social media account. How do I find out who did it?” “My boss texted others in the workplace something I shared in private. What do I do.”

Questions From Parents About Cyberbullying

How to stop someone who is cyberbullying you or your child is a question most parents dread having to ever ask. Quite frankly, the internet and cyberspace changes so rapidly that it is hard for parents to keep up.

The definition of cyberbullying is important to understand before attempting to resolve it. Cyber bullying is the malicious act of a person(s) who harasses, stalks or spreads lies about someone else via electronic methods.

Cyberbullying, or online bullying is when someone, either on purpose or as a joke posts intimidating messages. These messages might be embarrassing photos of someone in the school bathroom or a photo of your child taken without permission. This could be through a cell phone or over the Internet.

Cyberbullies use Text Messaging, e-mail, blogs, web sites, and chat rooms as venues to post their intimidating messages.  Tracing them is very hard, but parents should keep records of dates and messages to give to authorities.

National Media Is Focused On The Crime

Cell phones and the internet are very useful tools. However, they can be used for harm as well as good.

Parade Magazine,8-22-2010 focused on the national attention that is surrounding the suicide of Phoebe Prince in Massachusetts.  After her suicide, the Massachusetts state legislature passed a law making cyberbullying a crime.

As more people are on the Internet now more than ever before, it is increasingly becoming a problem. Some methods of this bizarre behavior include gaining trust of someone and then abusing it, impersonating another person, posting derogatory information about a person or posting their information on the Internet.

New Hampshire has expanded its bullying laws to include digital harassment.  Nevada lawmakers have set up criminal penalties for those convicted of bullying others electronically.

How To Be Internet Savvy

Parents and caring adults need to learn all they can about this expanding problem.  Not only to help the children or themselves from cyberbullies, but to make sure their messages are not being misinterpreted. You will find excellent information on this subject at http://cyberbullyinghelp.com/r/101safetytips

The more you know about the Internet and online bullying, the more you can do to protect yourself and those who are looking to you for protection and guidance.

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The Dangers Of Cell Phone Texting

In today’s modern world, children are starting to use technology earlier and earlier. There are very  few eight year olds who do not know how to send an email, check a profile on FaceBook, or send a text message. They are often teaching the adults in their lives how to text messages.

Before the wide use of cell phones, bullying typically began to escalate around the third grade, peaking by about eighth grade and tapering off in high school.  Those of us who do research and interviews on this subject, find it now starts earlier and lasts much longer.

Cell phone texting and online messages make it easier to cyberbully. Parents need to learn how to deal with this issue.

Cell Phones and Cyberbully

The combination of cyberspace, availability of cell phone and the internet and vulnerable children can be a recipe for disaster. Cell phone texting is one of the things that cyber bullies are using to harm those who they dislike or want to humiliate.

Cyberbullying may carry cruelty to new extremes. Because of the immediacy of cell phones teens who are in a bad mood may post a message they later regret.

There are those who use the cell phone as a weapon to taunt, tease and torture others.  Blasting is a phrase that has been used to describe a “blast” of private information posted online and passed around to a large group of followers.

Sexual Predators Are Looking For Victims

Bullies and sexual predators are taking advantage of these venues to target the younger generation. Everyone knows that young people are very adept at texting.

And while at one time words and fists were used to threaten those that were disliked, now bullies are turning to cell phones and computers as their secret weapons. And these are more effective at causing harm and humiliation than anyone ever dreamed of.

Adults Need  To Learn About The Dangers

One of the scariest things about cyber bullying is that it is hard for parents or other authorities to see or recognize. While a threatening scene in the school hall or cafeteria could have been visible to many, threatening texts are personal and only seen by the person to whom they are sent.

They may leave a child or teen frightened, vulnerable and emotionally scarred.

Empower Youth To Hit Delete

Experts say that most teenagers will not admit to receiving unfriendly or threatening texts because of fear and pride.

They do not want mommy coming to school to back them up; that would be embarrassing and make them more prone to humiliation. And perhaps they are afraid of being hurt if they tell someone.

More young people carry cell phones than ever before, and concern over text messaging safety is becoming more important. There are a few guidelines that should be followed to help keep teenagers safe.

Talk Often To Teens

They should never text personal information such as address, full name, or any other information or pictures that could lead a predator to them. Parents should also make sure that they talk to their children regularly about cyber bullying.

And if a situation becomes serious or threatening messages are sent, the authorities should be notified.

The more open the lines of communication between generations of caring adults, the more likely they are to report any issues.

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

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Joan has just moved to a new school in a completely different part of town. Her parents had lost their jobs and their home had been foreclosed, so they were forced to move into a small, crowded apartment. The whole family was in turmoil and she was especially vulnerable.

She was not sure where she would fit in and how she would make new friends. Seventh grade is hard on girls anyway, and she was out of her comfortable element of old neighborhood, basketball team friends and school.

Victims Are Vulnerable

Girls bully by telling rumors, excluding, gossiping,teasing and texting humiliating messages.

Because she dressed in nice clothes that had been her style in the old neighborhood, girls thought she was snooty and called mean names like “Rich B….” and worse.  She became the target and victim of texting, teasing and threats in the hallways as well as the neighborhood.

Bullying Is About Power Imbalance

Before Joan could get a chance to figure out where her home room would be in school, the Queen Bee and her gang of Wannabees had targeted her for abuse. They decided they would teach her the pecking order and how far down the scale she was.

They began an orchestrated attack on Joan by using texting, cyberbullying, pushing, shoving, embarrassment and humiliation. By the end of the first week, Joan felt defeated and depressed.

Bullying Victims

Bullies tend to choose someone who they feel is inferior or insignificant to them in some way and use threatening and harmful tactics to make them cower. Or, they choose someone they feel is superior to them in some way and want to bring them to a lower position and exert their strength, power and authority.

Bullies will often steal from, abuse, trip, threaten, intimidate, call names, or spread rumors about someone that they dislike or that they feel may be threatening their position.

Bullying Facts

The American Psychological Association found in a 2001 study that over 17% of children in grades 6 through 10 had been bullied at some point during that time. Children who have targeted are often too afraid to ask for help from a teacher or parents.

In truth, no one likes a bully. Even those who claim to be friends of a bully are usually merely subjecting themselves to someone that they are fearful of. And most bullies will not hesitate even to turn on their friends, should circumstances necessitate it. At the same time, often the bully is seen as the cool guy in the class. People want to be his friend because they want to be cool, too. It really depends on how harsh the bullying really is. Some bullies just like to appear tough and intimidating while others are not afraid to physically injure those that they dislike.

Bullies Don’t Stop Bullying

Bullying tends to escalate and take place over a long period of time. What may start out as teasing or roughhousing may increase in intensity without intervention. As such, many situations continue and set up a pattern of abuse until it is either stopped by intervention of an adult or bystander.

In Joan’s case, a teacher intervened and got the girls into peer counseling. With the help of a trusted counselor the mean girls were persuaded to allow Joan to teach them some moves on the basketball court.  When they learned that she could benefit their school and them as individuals, they were more accepting  and tolerant.

Thoughts On Bullying and Harassment

1. Have you ever been bullied or singled out for harassment?
2. How did you handle it?
3. Have you ever been part of a group that bullied or harassed another?
4. What advice would you give to a young person like Joan who is being bullied?
5. How can you empower yourself when you feel vulnerable?

Thank you for sharing your comments and thoughts.  We welcome you to this community of kind thoughtful people who want respect for all.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

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Empowering a Bystander or Witness to Crime

It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. We’re sitting in the office, playing on the swings, or walking our dogs and then it happens:  a mugging, a purse snatching, animal mistreatment or bullying.

In a split second we are drawn in a trauma or drama that is not expected and we feel has very little meaning to us personally.

What Would You Do

Adrenalin kicks in immediately and our bodies are flooded with messages to fight or take flight.  Do we get involved or do we stand by and watch or even leave the scene so we won’t have to see another human being or animal being abused?

Some of us are able to stop the problem immediately but others struggle with the decision… Old issues and experiences from childhood or the past will color how much power we feel that we have to intercede.

We may feel powerful or powerless.

When you witness a bullying situation or crime, you can call police and ask for assistance.

Those of us who are powerless or uninterested in helping become bystander bullies and add to the trauma of the victim.

There Are  No Winners

The seemingly innocent witness to this social crime may seem as if they don’t have much to do with it. This is not always true.

Bystanders can, without meaning to, make the victim of bullying feel even worse. They may end up inflicting more pain with their silence than any physical punishment can.

In addition to this, individuals who witness bullying by either verbal or physical harm often feel so much guilt and pressure they end up with more mental and psychological problems than the actual victim. Stomach aches, headaches, and even ulcers have been attributed to the lack of action from these bystanders.

Do You Get Involved?

It is understandable that people could be afraid to stand up to bullies. We all fear the possibility of being shunned or mocked for good deeds.

We don’t always like what we see but the chance of it being inflicted upon us rather than someone else is often enough to stay our hands and voices.

Get Help or Give Help

That is why it’s so important for us to remind individuals who see bullying that you don’t have to be out on a limb in order to stand up to bullies. Anonymous calls, tips, and information are easy enough to get to adults or supervisors.

Being a bystander bully isn’t the only option out there. You can always lend a hand to someone that you see who is too weak to stand up for him or her self. The important thing is to remember that as long as you’re silent there is no one who is going to take a stand.

Questions About How You Feel

1. Have you ever seen a bullying situation and were not sure what to do?
2. Have you become involved by calling authorities?
3. Have you ever had a bully turn on you when you tried to help the victim?
4. Have you ever assisted someone after they have gone through a trauma?
5. What were you feeling in each of these situations?

Please feel free to answer and comment on these questions.  It is good to get a conversation going on how we can empower bystanders and witnesses to crime and bullying.  As each one of us steps up to be counted, we can lessen the trauma and drama of those who need assistance.

You can do it.  I have confidence in you.

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Taunting, Teasing and Traumatic

Thousands of children go to school every day full of fear.

They are the targets of bullies whose intended goal is to make their lives miserable. Whether the bullying consists of mental abuse like taunting and teasing or more outwardly acts of physical abuse, most bullies like to have an audience for their ruthless activities.

Their misery and loss of self esteem is often further compounded by the bystander bully, a witness who does nothing to intervene.

Many children are afraid to go to school because of teasing, taunting and bullying.

Without realizing it, those who idly watch can become victims themselves.

Bystander and Witness to The Crime

Whether or not they actually support and encourage the events or simply watch, the bystanders and witnesses are participants.

In many cases, the participation is involuntary and they can become victims too.

Bystanders can make a significant difference in exposing and stopping aggressive acts. However, children will understandably have real fears about interfering with bullies. They might be afraid of embarrassment in front of their peers or of being alienated from social groups. Of course, they may have a good reason to dread becoming a target themselves.

Bystanders Who Do Not Speak Up

As a result, those who witness trauma can suffer as much as the obvious victim from similar anxieties, depression and mental anguish. They will frequent want to be able to stop what is going on, but lack the skills or courage to do so.

They can develop overwhelming guilt and stress from not taking action to end something they know is wrong. It is not unusual to see this stress manifest itself in physical disorders like ulcers or chronic headaches.

Anti Bullying Programs Teach Skills

For this reason, children need be taught and empowered to become involved in stopping these types of actions. They should be instructed in ways they can quietly notify adults to expose those who engage in abusive behavior. They need to know that their best course of action is to seek out someone who can stop the physical and emotional pain.

The whole school, church or organization needs to adopt a policy of respect for all. Empathy is a character trait that should be modeled and taught by adults. Positive social skills need to be encouraged in order for them to become automatic action and a habit for life.

Regardless of whether a student joins in or simply observes, they are involved nonetheless. The bystander bully not only perpetuates unacceptable behavior, but can run the risk of unwittingly being added to the list of those who are abused.

Questions To Think About

1. 1. Have you ever been a witness to someone bullying someone else and not spoken up because you were afraid?
2. 2. Later when you had a chance to reflect on the situation, did you wish you had done something to help the victim?
3. 3. What would you do if you saw a friend being bullied?
4. 4. What would you do if it was a stranger?
5. 5. Do you know that if you show signs of compassion or assistance for the victim, the trauma is lessened?

It is not easy to step up when someone is being bullied, but wouldn’t you want someone to come to your assistance if you were being hurt?

You can do it. I have confidence in you.

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