Bullying can take many forms, from physical confrontations in the school halls and playground to harassment on the Internet and cell phones. Most parents are unaware that their child is being bullied until the situation is out of control. Judy Helm Wright, author, parent and life educator, shares her advice on bullying in schools and how to take control of the situation before it takes control over you and your child.
How does bullying usually begin?

Many day care providers and pre-school teachers are telling me that they can see signs of aggression and bullying by age 2 or 3. Most little kids are aggressive at times and will take what they want from another child. Aggressive behavior that goes beyond the ordinary pushing and shoving is unsettling for most parents, teachers and other children. This is the primary time to teach empathy and to intervene in behavior that is not respectful to others.
What can a teenager do if they are being bullied?

As parents we hope that our kids will come to us, but most do not. They are afraid that we will over-react or even worse, do nothing. They are also afraid of retaliation from the bully or peer group if they “snitch” or “narc” on the offender. It is important to convey to them that we have their back and that we will only step in if they ask us to, but we may have suggestions which will help them stop the bullying.
What are the signs that a parent should look for if their child is being bullied?

I have listed a number of ways parents and caring adults will recognize signs of a child who is being bullied in a free report available at CyberBullyingHelp.com   Here are some to watch for:

• They make excuses to avoid going to school or activities

• Experience a sudden, unexplained deterioration in class work

• Appear to have low self-esteem or friendship issues

• Are not sleeping well or wetting the bed

• Appear anxious, insecure, distressed, unhappy, sad, secretive or have mood changes and seem more angry than usual.

What should parents do if they suspect or know their child is being bullied?

Of course, the symptoms listed above can mean a number of different things are occurring in the life of your child. When you observe any of these signals you and your child need to have some open, non-judgmental conversations about what is going on in life. Help them to problem solve.
How can parents help disabled teens set boundaries?

In my book The Left Out Child available at TheLeftOutChild.com  I have listed many suggestions for helping children to see themselves as others see them. Often a disabled child will not understand the subtle non-verbal signals that are so important in peer relationships.
What is the best way for a parent to discuss a bullying problem with school administrators or teachers?

Very carefully and not full of accusations and threats of law-suits. It is important to document that it is on-going bullying, rather than a one-time incident that got carried away. Always ask your child for permission to discuss it with the teacher. Go to the meeting as a partner, not an enemy.
Should parents monitor their teen’s cell phone or computer use?

Yes, computers and cell phones are a privilege, not an expectation. Keep computers in a common living area of the house, so the child knows you can walk by at any time.
What should a parent do if they suspect their own child is a bully?

Once again, it may be a one-time mad day, or it could be an on-going pattern of aggressive behavior. Bullies never grow out it; they just get bigger and more devious. There is a period of teaching empathy where it is easily learned (up to about 8 years old) and then it must be taught by intervention. That means stopping the unacceptable behavior and explaining why it is wrong and not allowed. Parents and teachers do a dis-service to the world to not intervene and teach how to respect everyone, no matter what their situation is.  Claim your eBook on Bullying in Schools – a guide for parents and teachers today.
About Judy Helm Wright

Judy H. Wright writes about respect for all. No more bullying in schools or on the playground.

Judy (aka Auntie Artichoke) is a parent educator, family coach, and personal historian who has written more than 20 books, hundreds of articles and speaks internationally on family issues, including care giving. Trained as a ready to learn consultant, she works with Head Start organizations and child care resource centers. She also volunteers time writing end-of-life stories for Hospice.

She and Dwain, her husband of 40 years, have six grown children and seven grandchildren. They consider their greatest success in life that their children like themselves and each other. The honorary title of “Auntie” is given in many cultures to the wise women who guide and mentor others in life.

New thinkers, look to an optimistic viewpoint and future.

Look at the situations in your life and make decisions about changing your attitude or dealing with it, if you can’t change the situation.  Start by throwing out the “should” and replace with “prefer” and “choose.”

Perhaps like my client, you tend to say and think “I should look for another job that allows me to utilize my talents” Vague statements just bring about guilt rather than results. When should words are used, change is probably not going to happen because it involves no action, just a meaningless wish. However, contrast this statement; “I prefer to work in an industry where I can be creative. I will make a list of what I want and then look for a position that fits most of the criteria.”

Or; “This job is not fulfilling my passion and so rather than be discouraged, I choose to do it quickly and accurately and with a better attitude. As I choose to be more positive about the parts of the work I do enjoy, more and more opportunities will be opened to me.”

Blaming others or circumstances will keep you frozen and static. Staying in a comfort zone, no matter how painful you might think it is, will never result in growth and the results you want and deserve.

Be optimistic about the future.  You are a smart person and have succeeded at many things in the past and will again in the future.

I have confidence in you

You have been drawn to book because you know that you want to improve your life and find better solutions than in the past.  You want to learn new techniques and tips to help you have the good life you deserve.

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Being bullied for looking different can lead to teen depression. Is it depression or teenage drama?

Is your teen disappointed or depressed? Help them bounce back.

If you are a parent of a teenager, this scene described by a client is very familiar.

“Ashley, 14, is so moody it is hard to decide if she is depressed or just a teenager. Her best friend moved away last year and then she did not make the cut for the volley ball team. We knew she was disappointed, but we all face disappointments in life, don’t we?

She sulks when I ask her to help fix dinner, she sleeps a lot more than she used to, and when she is working on the computer she has tears running down her cheeks. Yet, when we ask her what is wrong, she just shrugs her shoulders or tells us to mind our own business.”

Depression, Disappointment or Just Being A Teen?

Some teens, and especially sensitive ones, have a great deal of trouble bouncing back from disappointment. A lack of resilience or over-reacting are subtle signs of depression that many parents write off as stress or typical teenage drama.

Many teens and parents don’t realize the signs of teenage depression, especially in the early stages. Signs include:

• Sadness or hopelessness
• Irritability, anger, or hostility
• Tearfulness or frequent crying
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Loss of interest in activities
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits
• Restlessness and agitation
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
• Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
• Fatigue or lack of energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• Thoughts of death or suicide

FaceBook Depression

Although the symptoms may be similar to offline depression, when teens such as Ashley see her old friends and the girls who did make the team post what fun they are having, it is like sitting alone in the school cafeteria.

Because social media is so much a part of teen age life now, parents forget that this is a new playground. The politics are harsh and it makes it makes it very clear on the counter who has the most friends.

Among the potential harms are cyberbullying, social anxiety, severe isolation and deepening depression.

Warning to Parents

Although teens are dramatic by nature, trust your gut if your teen is losing the ability to bounce back from adversity. If their reaction, or lack of reaction, seems way out of character for your teen, seek medical advice.

The longer a depressed teen goes without seeing a doctor or therapist, the deeper they can dig themselves into a black hole. It will be easier to dig themselves out and find coping skills if they are giving tools and techniques early.

As a life educator I have seen individuals and especially teens get amazing relief from EFT (emotional freedom techniques). It is very easy to use the calming methods by yourself and does not require extensive counseling, which many teens refuse because of the stigma attached by unkind people.

Self Awareness Quiz

1. Does your teen show any of the symptoms of depression?
2. Have you suggested family counseling?
3. Will you (or your teen) check out Emotional Freedom Technique?

© Judy Helm Wright, life educator and empowerment coach. You have permission to use this article in your blog or online magazine, but please keep content and contact information intact. http://www.judyhwright.com

Two Faces of Social Media Users

It is not uncommon for teens to have more that one FaceBook, Twitter, My Space or other social media account. Often they have one strictly for family and extended family and one that shows a completely different side of their personality.

Recently in Dear Abby, an advice column that is syndicated in newspapers across America I came across the following letter:

“Dear Abby: I have just learned that a friend’s 16 year-old daughter has two different FaceBook profiles. One is a ‘nice’ profile to which she has invited me, her family and friends from her days at a Christian academy. The other, which is pretty raw, she uses with her new ‘wild’ friends from public high school.

The first profile portrays her as the perfect student and daughter. The other includes explicit details about her sexual exploits and

Social media sites may allow a teenager to have two faces...one for family and one for friends.

drinking parties. Should I keep my nose out of it or let her parents know about the dual identities?”

Signed Vigilant in Everett, Washington

What Would You Do?

Given the information above, how would you proceed? It has been said it takes a village to raise a child and as a parent, I have always welcomed concern and caring regarding my family from others. However what I would not like is someone talking behind my back or being judgmental about my child and their choices in life.

Here is what Abby had to say:

“Dear Vigilant:

Ask yourself whether you would want to be warned about your minor child’s drinking and sexual exploits or kept in the dark and you will have your answer.”

The letter got me thinking, so in reading the letter to Dear Abby, I viewed it from a number of angles: one as the parents, Vigilant who wrote to Dear Abby and the daughter in question.

Cyber-Space Has an Infinite Memory

Many young people lack the life experiences to understand how much exposing their youthful escapades can come back to hurt them in the future. Colleges and employers are now routinely screening applicants through social media sites as well as Goggling applicants.

What seemed to be funny, exciting and rebellious to a 16 year old, can easily become a detriment to the child’s future as well as an embarrassment to the family.

As caring adults, we need to impress on our young people to pause, and consider how what they are about to put out there in cyber space may be viewed, and by whom it may be viewed before pushing send. Think through the decision to post something now. That hasty post could do irreparable harm to your reputation and life for years to come. And as adult we also need to think about the decision to post items. Often posts sent in the heat of anger can be hurtful to others, and cannot be retracted.

Good Advice

While Dear Abby in this case offers good sound advice, so did my mother. She used to tell us “If you are going to regret something tomorrow, you probably shouldn’t be doing it tonight.” Her suggestion didn’t always stop her children and grandchildren from making mistakes, but it did help us to stop and think before proceeding. Isn’t that what we want young people to do?

Some Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Child?

Is this post reflective of who I really am? Is this what I want people to believe about me? Will what I post be hurtful to other people? Is this something I would want a prospective employer to read? Is this something I would want my future children to see? Can I walk away from the computer, phone or electronic device for a few minutes and come back to it, will I still feel the same way, and will I still consider sending it?

Think Before Posting to Social Media Sites!

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright

Join me on Twitter;  http://www.Twitter.com/judyhwright

Assertiveness-Getting What You Want

In the world today we are faced with many choices. We are all built with the instinct for fight or flight when faced with confrontation.

Recently I ran into a situation where I was faced with a rude, nasty response to a birthday greeting I had sent to an acquaintance through Facebook. I hadn’t realized the link to the free ebook I normally send to my Facebook friends on their birthday had been changed. The gentleman in question reacted by sending me a snarly note back chiding me for sending him marketing material in his birthday greeting.

My initial reaction was to fight back. I knew I had three options in my reaction to his note. I chose to be assertive and apologized for the error, explaining to him that it was unintentional.

Subsequently he wrote back with another extremely aggressive, rude note. I considered again how to respond. I decided this was the time to act in a more passive way. I did not respond because I knew this argument could go on and one, getting both of us nowhere and causing hurt feelings.

After some contemplation I decided to take a more assertive actions, I removed him as a friend on my Facebook account.

Confident people know how and when to be assertive. They respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of others.

By taking this action I defined that I have boundaries and would rather work with people who are pleasant to work with.

I have found that when we set our boundaries, and make clear what we need, and what we find acceptable, then people are usually more willing to give it to us.

One of the ways we can become a more assertive person is by taking responsibility for our own choices and actions.

The four major components of being an assertive person are:

1. clearly representing what we are thinking and feeling, both verbally and using body language.
2. Having no apology for the way we feel.
3. By refusing to manipulate others with false guilt.
4. By never sacrificing others , we respect other people and they respect us in return.

Assertiveness is clearly stating what you want and what you need as a means to an end. Being assertive does not mean you need to be pushy. You have the right to be human and take full responsibility for your actions. You even have the right to be wrong sometimes. You have the right to tell others what you are thinking and feeling- and you have the right to change your mind. You also have the right to express yourself without intimidation and you have the right to not accept responsibility for other peoples actions.

Being assertive means owing a situation. The only person you have the ability to change is ourselves.

The heart of being assertive is confidence.

For more information visit www.confidenceclues.com

You will want to learn how to set boundaries in your relationships with others. Being clear about boundaries helps you to never bully others or allow others to bully you.

Texting and Instant Messaging Can Hurt Children

Schools deal with the issue of harassment through text messaging and online instant messaging every day.

Cell phones and texting is the primary form of communication with teens. Families need to learn about internet safety and cyberbullying online.

But, many adults do not realize just how often children are being bullied online or through texting.

Often too afraid to tell their parents, children try to deal the problem of cyberbullying themselves. They often only getting their parents involved when the situation gets out of control and the child is helpless to do anything about it alone.

Texting is Main Source of Communication

Teachers and parents agree that texting-whether the act of sending one or the anticipation of receiving one- distracts tweens and teens.  Most schools prohibit cell phones in the classrooms, but teens are very adept at getting around the system.

A 2008 Harris Interactive study found that nearly half of kids-42% could text even when blindfolded.

Tactics of the Cyberbully

Bullying, threats and intimidation, harassment and causing embarrassment of another are all tactics of today’s cyber bully.

This growing problem uses interactive technology such as cell phones, chat rooms and online instant messaging in an effort to harass, embarrass or otherwise victimize another person.

The motivation of the cyberbully is widely varied. Often schools are powerless to help as much of the bullying takes place off school grounds.

Why do Children Become Cyberbullies

The reasons children cyberbully each other are many. Sometimes children are holding a grudge against their victim, or want to emotionally hurt another. Sometimes they act out of boredom as a child seeks a new form of entertainment. Sometimes kids fight back against being bullied by becoming bullies themselves.

How to Combat Cyberbullying

At this juncture law enforcement around much of the world is ill equipped to deal with cases of cyber harassment. Right now most laws only apply to cyber threats such as hacking or death threats.

Often the only recourse for cyber harassment victims is to report the problem to their Internet Service Provider. In most cases cyberbullying is only considered a breach of the terms and conditions of the ISP and the only recourse is to suspend or cut off the bully’s internet access.

This usually only stops the bullying for a short time while the cyberbully sets up a new account, or finds access elsewhere.

Questions to Ask Yourself

• What would I do if I found my child was being victimized by a cyber bully?

• Do I know the signs that my child may be being harassed by a cyber bully?

• Could I tell if my child might be bullying someone else online? How would I deal with it?

Bully Advocate

• We empower the bully to gain empathy and learn new ways of communication
• We empower the bystander to get involved and diffuse the confrontation
• We empower the victim to be courageous and set boundaries
• We empower the group, school, family or community to adopt a no-bully, respect for all policy

Follow us on FaceBook at Judy Helm Wright or on http://www.Twitter.com/bullyadvocate

You will be glad you did.

Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent or teacher more than the plaintive cry “nobody likes me” or “I don’t have any friends.” We wish there were something we could do to insure the child will be, if not the most popular, at least included in the games on the playground. Actually, there is something we can do to increase their acceptance by the group and become more approachable to others.

New research shows that all likeable children behave in certain ways. These skills are not in-born but can be taught by parents, teachers and other caring adults. There is a language of likeability that some children cannot pick up by osmosis, but must learn. It has been called a “shorthand” to making friends. Not only does fitting in and having friends feel good, it has numerous other advantages including better grades, healthier bodies, less stress, and more opportunities to learn social skills. Children who feel like they have friends tend to stay in school longer, make wiser decisions, and are generally happier.

Parents, teachers and other caring adults: Here are 7 secrets to assisting your child to be more likeable. Teach and model them on a daily basis and you will find your social circle enlarging.

1. Look for opportunities to assist others. Studies show that helpfulness correlates more strongly than any other attribute to being liked. Teach them to be aware of other people’s needs and to offer assistance spontaneously, before they ask for it.
2. Find something that makes you feel special. Encourage your child to find an activity, hobby or interest that they really enjoy. They don’t have to excel at it, just enjoy it. Do you enjoy drama, dance or railroads? Join a group of enthusiasts.
3. Say “hello” first, and smile. People who smile are perceived as nice and approachable. Friendly and optimistic people act as a magnet to others. Have you ever gotten mad at someone who smiled or said hi to you?
4. Don’t stand out from the crowd. Whether we like it or not, kids are judged by the way they look. Try to help them fit in socially.
5. Don’t take it personally. Help your child understand that another person may just be having a bad day and may not be mad or dislike him or her. Teach them that people are really less concerned about us than we would like to think.
6. Watch your body language. Verbal communication is the language of information. Body language is the language of relationships. Appear open, friendly and eager to join in and make friends. Stand up straight and look people in the eye. Respect other people’s space by not standing too close.
7. Recognize the difference between friendship and popularity. Friendship is more important and will last a lifetime. Popularity is fleeting and dependent on the group. You really only need one good friend.

Welcome.

We are glad you are choosing to spend your precious time
with CyberBullyingHelp.com We will bring you tips,advice and
encouragement. We want to be on your support team.

Empower Yourself and Your Children

Next time you are watching cartoons or a video with your kids
have them monitor the body language. You may need to turn
off the sound so you concentrate on non-verbal communication.

Help them to try different body language so they look more confident
and sure of themselves. Have them put their shoulders back, hands
at sides (not crossed as that indicates defiance) open smile and a
confident walk.

You will find more information on this subject in an article I wrote on
body language.

Victims Look Afraid

Teach your children to imagine themselves inside a protective bubble
that bounces off the bullies words. This will give them some control
in a situation where they may feel helpless.

When choosing a victim or target, bullies typically target children or teens
who have few or no friends. Make sure your children have chances to
make friends away from where the bullying takes place.

Claim your free e-course on social skills today at http://www.TheLeftOutChild.com

When Should Adults Step In?

If bullying is persistent, or your child is injured, take action. If
bullying happens at school, take the matter up with a suitable
teacher and work upward until the matter is taken seriously
and addressed. Keep written records which may be used as
evidence.

But remember, You are an adult, so don’t try to bully the
other child or the school. You want to follow the wishes of
your child before barging in to do battle.

You will be glad you did.

Judy H. Wright

Judy Helm Wright is a parent educator and child advocate

Family relationship author and speaker
2400 West Central, Missoula, MT 59801 USA

PS. Teach social skills that will help your child navigate the
playground politics. Claim your free e-course today

Parents, teachers, extended family and neighbors recognize the special challenges of those who love and teach learning disabled children and adults. They are usually sensitive, kind and giving as small children. Because they are small in stature, people are more forgiving of what they can and cannot do.

Teenagers With Learning Disabilities

However, as these cute little kids grow into teens and adults, they have accelerated difficulties. He/she is still very dependent, while becoming harder to control, guide and teach.  The skills may be delayed, but the body and hormones are changing daily.

A LD teen may not understand or confuse many aspects of life when in social situations.  Sensitive to others anyway, this teen may react negatively to any correction or criticism. What may have started out as casual banter, may be interpreted as  hurtful teasing.

Learning disabilities can make the social scene very hard for teens.

Brain disorders are expressed in many strange ways, included a frenzy of hyperactivity.  This hyperactivity may irritate the very people the teen is hoping to attract as friends.

Teens With Learning  or Physical Disability  May Become Target of Teasing

As I have said in many of the previous posts and articles-bullying and teasing is about power. The bully looks for someone who can be manipulated or humiliated in order to make himself/herself feel more important.

The majority of learning disable adolescents do not have social skills and the ability to communicate in order to stop the teasing.  Self esteem and confidence is not easy to come by in any teenager, but may be especially lacking in those who have severe physical or learning abilities.

The amount of teasing, bullying, name calling and taunting that goes on in Special Ed classes and in the hallways of schools internationally, is overwhelming.  This is especially true in junior high and high school when independence is encouraged and tattling is discouraged.

What Should Teachers and Parents Do

Kindness and empathy for others hopefully is an on-going conversation in your home and classroom.  Help all children, but especially those that have learning and social difficulties, to determine if it is a big problem or a small problem.  If it is a small problem help them come up with techniques or ideas to solve it themselves.

If it is a big problem, which involves safety, help them to communicate either with the bully or with an adult. Tattling is to get someone in trouble.  Telling is to save someone from harm.

Self Awareness Quiz

1. What do you think when you see a learning disabled teen?
2. Do you feel that you have nothing in common?
3. Would you step up and intervene or find help if you saw someone being teased?
4. Do you agree with the difference between tattling and telling?
5. Can you decide what is a big problem and what is a small problem in life?

You are a smart and strong person and I have confidence you will find good solutions to help support not only learning disabled teens, but others who are being teased and bullied.  Be sure to claim your free report about bullying at http://www.cyberbullyinghelp.com

Thank you for being part of a community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

Often the target or victim of teasing feels powerless and hopeless to change the situation.