Bullying can best be defined as an imbalance of power. The struggle for power usually takes place over a period of time, but can easily escalate into violence and serious harm to both bully and victim.

There may be just one victim, or target, and one bully.  However, as the struggle ramps up, there are usually others involved as “gang or group” members who have chosen sides or innocent bystanders.

Whenever there is an imbalance of power or strength that is either real or percieved there is a potential for the greater power to intentionally threaten or harm the weaker one.

Tough Boys and Mean Girls

There have always been tough boys and mean girls who have enjoyed teasing, taunting and making life miserable for other kids.

Bullying harassment is hard on victim and bully. Empower kids to be kind.

They enjoy showing and demonstrating their dominance over others.  It is often seen in the playground pecking order, of who gets to be the leader and who is chosen for games last .

We used to think bullying could begin at any age but, typically it begins to escalate around the third grade, peaking by about eighth grade and tapering off in high school. We are now finding bullying often starts earlier and lasts much longer.

But now, with more electronic media readily available through the use of cell phones and the internet, bullying has become more dangerous, more devious and often more difficult to detect.

The combination of cyberspace and bullies can be a dangerous combination. The escalation of cyber-bullying can range from mild teasing to death threats.

Cyber-bullying may carry cruelty to new extremes. Bullies are now using electronic media to taunt, tease, and torture others. Blasting is a phrase that has been used to describe a “blast” of private information posted online and passed around to a large group of followers of the site.

Home as a Safety Haven

Children used to come home to escape the abuse of bullies, but with internet and cell phones readily available bullies can take advantage of their prey anywhere, anytime. Text messages, posts to social media sites and instant messaging services can leave a child vulnerable to being victimized 24 hours a day.

In recent years a number of suicides have been report as a result cyber-bullying. The targets or victims of bullying abuse may have been feeling they had no place to turn for help. That suicide was the only way to escape their pain. Many media reports have called this “bullyside.”

Respect for All

Courtesy toward others and respect for everyone is the foundation of a healthy life and a goal to strive for. Our ultimate goal as parents is to teach our children to be good family members, friends, and neighbors, members of the community, the nation and world.

You will want to claim your free report about internet safety today and begin to understand what is happening in your child’s world. Dealing with bullies is never an easy subject to discuss, but  in this new cyberspace, the effects of bullying are life and death.

Be sure to claim your free report on “Is Your Kid Being Bullied?” by putting your name and email address in the box on the side of the screen.  Thank you for belonging to this community of kind, thoughtful people who want respect for all.

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Choosing Your Battles: Three Questions to Ask Before Arguing

Guest post by Alexis Bonari

The older your child gets, the more conflicts appear on the horizon.  When you’re parenting a toddler or elementary school aged child, arguments erupt over whether a certain toy will be purchased, bedtimes, and chores.  Later, these points of conflict expand to include curfews, dating, clothing choices, cell phone use, money, drugs/alcohol, etc.  In other words, things get more complicated; they don’t get simpler as you go.

Constant conflict can severely damage the parent-child relationship. Expecting immediate obedience only leads to silent

Family fights and arguments are never fun, especially at mealtime. Choose your battles and treat each other with respect.

rebellion on the part of the child. It also leaves the parent feeling like a  bully. On the other hand, allowing your child or teen to do whatever they want doesn’t teach proper life management strategies, and can even endanger their life.  So what’s a parent to do?

The simple answer: choose your battles. Recognize that there are things worth fighting for, and things that are best let slide.  Here are two questions to aid in determining the difference between the two.

1. Is this behavior dangerous/life threatening?

At the end of the day, physical safety trumps just about every other consideration.  If your child is putting their life at risk or risking the lives of others, the behavior must be stopped.  Drug use, drinking and texting whiledriving, unprotected sex, playing in a busy street, etc. all fall under this category.  While it’s always a good idea to tell a child or teen why you’re placing limits on their behavior, there’s no room for arguing on points that involve safety.

While making your stand, be sure to listen to their perspective on the behavior in question.   Help them to understand they can always come to you with problems and you will help them solve them. Give them the resources to stop the behavior— drug counseling, access to birth control, an alternative place to play outdoors, etc.

2.  Does this behavior represent a difference in opinion, or an underlying attitude problem?

Sometimes kids need to be allowed to express themselves in ways that their parents find annoying or just plain strange.  If your child suddenly decides that they want to be a vegan when they were practically carnivorous only a week ago, so be it. If at 16 they want to dye their hair purple and wear all black— and their school has no prohibition against doing so— let them.  The search for self-identification involves test-driving different beliefs and personas.  Arguing over every eccentricity increases hostile feelings and resistance to your advice on more serious matters.

Some behaviors, however, are indicators of destructive tendencies that need to be addressed.  If your child takes up stealing from stores or hangs around with those who do steal, allowing that to continue will potentially send the wrong message about personal responsibility and morality.  A sudden obsession with ultra-violent materials also might be a cause for concern.  In these sorts of cases, it’s best to address the root cause of the behavior change with the child.  Simply prohibiting stealing, etc. isn’t going to be enough to change their attitude.  Discussing their rational on the issue combined with a ban on the actual behavior is a much more effective strategy.

3. Does allowing this behavior foster a distorted image of how the world works?

As parents, we often want to shelter our children from some of life’s harsher realities.  We give in to nagging for the newest gaming systems, toys, or clothes because we don’t want our kids to feel left out.  If we positively reinforce negative behaviors like nagging, whining, or angry outbursts, we’re sending the message that these sorts of behaviors are well received by the rest of the world.  Our children are done no favors when we ignore negative social behaviors. Children aren’t born knowing how to act in public or how to ask for what they want in a mature, controlled manner.

Essentially, parents need to ask themselves whether they’re fostering a world-view that designates the child as the center of the universe. Any behaviors that result from such an entitlement state of mind should be addressed.

By picking your battles, you can foster a sense of independence and uniqueness in your child without compromising ethics or common sense.

Bio: Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She often can be found blogging about general education issues as well as information on college scholarships. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/cgp314/4595988448/)

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Keeping Children Safe by being Internet Savvy

The face of the way we communicate has changed rapidly over the past 20 years. Bullying used to take place in schools and parks, but with the advent of new technologies bullying can happen anywhere.

Children used to take refuge from playground bullies at home, but with the internet readily available to many children, and more and more young people carrying cell phones instances of cyber-bullying are increasing at an alarming rate.

Chat rooms, Blogs, Facebook, My Space and other social media sites, e-mail, instant messengers,

Teens use cell phones and the internet to connect with each other. It is easy to use electronics to bully others.

and online gaming and text messaging are just a few ways children are being bullied. Often, as parents, we don’t even know when our children are being abused by others online.

Although it may be difficult to tell when a child is being subjected to the abusive behaviour of others unless they come to an adult for advice. One thing we can watch for is our children being upset after being on the internet or receiving text messages.

HOW TO HELP

• encourage your children to share offensive or abusive e-mails, posts, and texts with a trusted adult
• encourage them to use only moderated chat rooms that help curtail abusive behaviour
• teach them to no respond to abusive posts or e-mails
• help them learn to keep their passwords safe and be cautious about who they give their e-mail address or cell phone number to
• be sure to turn on child safety features installed on your computer
• teach them to think about how their actions may affect others, and to think twice before hitting send on any post or e-mail

Keep your child safe by teaching them not to give out personal information when online.

Make sure you children understand they should never arrange to meet someone you have only been in touch with online. This can be extremely dangerous. Online friends are still strangers.

One simple way to keep them safe is to encourage them to only accept e-mails, instant messages, or texts from people they know and trust.

Teach children that all information online may not always be reliable! There are many people out there who create fake “profiles” with only the intention of meeting and abusing others. In almost all cases its best to only chat online with real world friends and family.

Make sure your children know that if they are uncomfortable, or are being bullied they can come to you or another trusted adult for help. Keeping our children safe online and teaching them how to use a technology as a tool for healthy entertainment, information and communication will help them become a prudent, happy, healthy productive members of society.

Information for this article comes from Childnet International and KidSMART.org.uk

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Two Faces of Social Media Users

It is not uncommon for teens to have more that one FaceBook, Twitter, My Space or other social media account. Often they have one strictly for family and extended family and one that shows a completely different side of their personality.

Recently in Dear Abby, an advice column that is syndicated in newspapers across America I came across the following letter:

“Dear Abby: I have just learned that a friend’s 16 year-old daughter has two different FaceBook profiles. One is a ‘nice’ profile to which she has invited me, her family and friends from her days at a Christian academy. The other, which is pretty raw, she uses with her new ‘wild’ friends from public high school.

The first profile portrays her as the perfect student and daughter. The other includes explicit details about her sexual exploits and

Social media sites may allow a teenager to have two faces...one for family and one for friends.

drinking parties. Should I keep my nose out of it or let her parents know about the dual identities?”

Signed Vigilant in Everett, Washington

What Would You Do?

Given the information above, how would you proceed? It has been said it takes a village to raise a child and as a parent, I have always welcomed concern and caring regarding my family from others. However what I would not like is someone talking behind my back or being judgmental about my child and their choices in life.

Here is what Abby had to say:

“Dear Vigilant:

Ask yourself whether you would want to be warned about your minor child’s drinking and sexual exploits or kept in the dark and you will have your answer.”

The letter got me thinking, so in reading the letter to Dear Abby, I viewed it from a number of angles: one as the parents, Vigilant who wrote to Dear Abby and the daughter in question.

Cyber-Space Has an Infinite Memory

Many young people lack the life experiences to understand how much exposing their youthful escapades can come back to hurt them in the future. Colleges and employers are now routinely screening applicants through social media sites as well as Goggling applicants.

What seemed to be funny, exciting and rebellious to a 16 year old, can easily become a detriment to the child’s future as well as an embarrassment to the family.

As caring adults, we need to impress on our young people to pause, and consider how what they are about to put out there in cyber space may be viewed, and by whom it may be viewed before pushing send. Think through the decision to post something now. That hasty post could do irreparable harm to your reputation and life for years to come. And as adult we also need to think about the decision to post items. Often posts sent in the heat of anger can be hurtful to others, and cannot be retracted.

Good Advice

While Dear Abby in this case offers good sound advice, so did my mother. She used to tell us “If you are going to regret something tomorrow, you probably shouldn’t be doing it tonight.” Her suggestion didn’t always stop her children and grandchildren from making mistakes, but it did help us to stop and think before proceeding. Isn’t that what we want young people to do?

Some Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Child?

Is this post reflective of who I really am? Is this what I want people to believe about me? Will what I post be hurtful to other people? Is this something I would want a prospective employer to read? Is this something I would want my future children to see? Can I walk away from the computer, phone or electronic device for a few minutes and come back to it, will I still feel the same way, and will I still consider sending it?

Think Before Posting to Social Media Sites!

You can do it, I have confidence in you.

Judy Helm Wright

Join me on Twitter;  http://www.Twitter.com/judyhwright

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Help Children Make Friends – Playground Politics

Teasing is universal, its a fact of life. In my parenting classes when I ask any person if they were teased as a child the answer is always the same. Yes. Then I ask who they were teased by, there are a number of answers I get: siblings, the kid down the street, their teacher, or even their family. People are always able to remember who teased or bullied them. The torment they underwent becomes a part of them.

Teasing can be friendly or malicious. When we begin to look at the difference between the two, we realize that part of the teasing

If your child has at least one significant friend, he will be less likely to be bullied and can more easily cope with effects of bullying should it occur.

that goes on is done to find out where your hot buttons are. Teasing beings the process of weeding out if two people are a good match as friends, if their interests are the same, and acts like a mating game. Other people have dubbed it Playground Politics.

There is an absolute pecking order on the playground. If I were to ask you to look back into your past and think about who on that playground was popular, who were the kids who were accepted, who were the ones who were controversial? We are easily been able to remember who those people were.

Do you remember the kids who didn’t blend well? Who were the kids who always seemed to be in transition, adapting their personality to what ever situation or social group they encountered. You may be able to name those people too.

Our goal as parents is to help our child find out who they are as a person. We need to be concerned with teaching our children how to be a good friend, instead of helping them find friends. We need to teach our children how to be the kind of person that other people are drawn to. As parents our job is to teach our children how to be the person that will attract the kind of people they want to be around. When we teach them how to be that person we are really teaching them three things: Confidence, Character and Critical Thinking.

Confidence:

Here is what a confident person looks like shoulders back, their chest open. Their hands are not clenched or crossed, this posture shows that they are open and their heart is speaking to other peoples hearts. Our posture shows we are approachable. Confident people look other people in the eye, and smile. They smile without assuming the other person is going to smile back.

Character:

Our children need to learn character and values, so they will never be caught in situational ethics. Our children need to know what their values are before they are put into situations where those values are going to be tested. If children are put in a situation where another child is being picked on or teased, they should know the kind of person they are, or want to be, and be empowered to make a decision on how to get involved based on their values. They should know they don’t want to participate in a situation where someone may be hurt. A child should know already that they want to be a kind person, before they are ever put into a situation where they are required to decide.

If children have made the decision early in life to be kind, they will easily be able to make the decision that they don’t want to be involved in teasing others, even if it means going against the group.

Critical Thinking

Our children need to be taught to think critically and be problem solvers. Over the next decade the ability to solve problems is going very important to our children. We need them to learn not only to solve conflict, but manage it. Children need to learn these skills so they do not become whiners or tattles, but empower themselves to be strong. Learning to determine if conflicts that are happening are small problems and can be solved easily, or if there is a larger problem,(like someone being hurt) that may require intervention by an adult.

There is a program called Kelso’s choice which empowers young people, their parents and other caring adults with the ability to determine their own behaviour. It teaches how to master emotions which is a critical skill in conflict resolution. Kelso’s Choice teaches youth not to take it personally when they are being teased. The program teaches when children are being teased it is very seldom about them, and is more often about the child who is doing the teasing. Children are taught the teaser is often involved in some sort of power struggle. This knowledge can drastically reduce the amount of tattling that goes on and keeps small problems from ballooning into huge problems.

As parents we are encouraged to help our children develop the ability to decifer when something is a small problem, like a pebble, and when a problem may be bigger like a mountain. This also helps to improve the child’s self esteem as the become more confident to solve problems on their own. This tool is not just a solution for today, but something which can be used for their entire life.

We can help our children learn critical thinking skills in a number of ways. Children need to learn tools like redirecting to another activity, sharing, taking turns, talking it out, walking away, or just ignoring conflict. One important skill they will learn is teaching them it is OK to tell someone they need to stop when what that person is doing makes them uncomfortable. By using body language such as an upheld hand, they learn to set boundaries. Many times these little things are all we need to do to stop a behaviour.

If its something your child has done to cause a conflict we as parents need to teach them is OK to acknowledge they did something wrong and apologize, as well as do their best to correct the situation. Our children need to know it is OK to walk away and take a cooling off period.

Helpful Hints To Be More Likeable

I always hand out Q-tips in my classroom as a reminder to Quit Taking It Personally. This serves as a reminder to young people that not everything that goes on is about them. They should know they have the power to solve their own problems unless there is a danger involved.

Allow children to find their own peer group, and feel comfortable with who they are. Don’t push them to be in a peer group they don’t feel comfortable in.

When discussing the events of the day and you as a parent hear a lot of negative comments, make sure you ask them “but then….” and prompt them to say something positive about what happened next. Encourage them to end what they say on a positive note. Don’t let them end it on a negative because the negative will be ingrained it in their brain.

Teach them blame, shame and focusing on the pain won’t work. Help them to look for body language. Body language tells us a lot about whether someone wants to be around us, if they are lonely or simply want to be left alone. Being able to read body language is a skill that will help them to be sensitive to others and know how and when to approach people. Make sure that as an adult you model the relationships you want them to have.

Also, be careful not to tear down other children. If they come home and tell you another child won’t play with them, don’t respond by telling them they don’t want to play with that child anyway. Don’t tell them they don’t want to play with another child because that other child isn’t good to play with anyway. Eventually the two may become friends and inevitably your child will tell their new friend what you have said. This is going to cause hurt feelings and harm your relationship with their new friend. Our job as parents is not to tear down other peoples children, but to build up our own.

Express confidence in you child’s choices and their ability to draw others to them. This goes a long way to making our children into the people we want them to be.

For more information visit www.theleftoutchild.com where you will find an e-course that teach you to teach your child to be more personable and more likeable.

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Thought this was a great video, and really excited to see main stream media covering the affects of cyberbullying.

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Parents Bully Teachers Online

While most schools encourage open communication between parents and teachers, there are some instances where it borders on bullying or abuse. Emails and text messages from parents to teachers and school staff can make it difficult for teachers to concentrate on educating a large group of students intricate subjects.

More and more schools offer homework assignments and grading online, as a convenience to both student and parent. Often the message the child shares about homework assignments and the assignment as listed online are different. Rather than take the word of the teacher as to what the assignment entails, it often is easier for parents to intervene. Sometimes becoming assertive or even aggressive towards the teacher.

Later we will discuss how to create a partnership between teachers, students and their parents to make learning rewarding for everyone.

Helicopter Parents

There are parents who hover over the school administration trying to supervise every detail of their child’s life. This has been dubbed “helicopter parenting.” Their main objective is to control everything and everyone who comes in contact with their child. These parents may have forgotten that their child is not the only one in the class and perhaps he/she is not working up to potential.

It is a disservice to the child when they intervene or antagonize a teacher. The child receives the message that they are weak and cannot take responsibility for their own choices and decisions. The child may grow up with a victim mentality and may not develop problem solving skills effectively. It may be more beneficial to ask the child to brainstorm solutions rather than just have a parent step in. By stepping in the parent takes away the child’s power.

A child who has always been rescued may grow up with the attitude that they deserve special treatment and often blame others for their problems. An important part of being a successful adult is learning to assume personal responsibility and looking for meaningful solutions.

When parent, teacher and child work together to build successful study habits and life skills, everyone benefits. Parents should enhance the schoolwork through open communication and brainstorming as well as encouragement of the student, the teachers and school personnel.

When a parent is upset by something happening at school it can be very easy to send an accusatory email in the heat of the moment. The email may not set the right tone for the communication, and may even be offensive. Parents who have concerns and wish to work together to solve problems, are best to communicate face to face. Through face-to-face communication we use both verbal skills and body language, which helps to convey a positive message. For more information on dealing with conflict without confrontation, visit http://www.EncourageSelfConfidence.com

Blame and Bullying

I have talked to many teachers who have made the difficult decision to quit the teaching profession or who have become jaded in dealing with disrespectful children and parents who won’t acknowledge problems, or take ownership of them.

These teachers feelings are reflective of the feelings of many educators who say they are tired of being blamed and bullied for the behavior of children which should have and could have been corrected with consistent discipline at home.

This migration of gifted and talented teachers is disheartening. Those of us who care deeply about the education and guidance of young people are leaving the teaching profession in staggering numbers. With more open dialogue between parents and teachers, and more respect from children and parents alike schools could once again be the fulfilling and enlightening place it should be!

After all, everyone wants is to be treated with respect and courtesy. You can’t beat the golden rule, “treat others as you would like to be treated.”

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Hello from Montana: The following is a comment and the post I commented on. Enjoy

Thank you so much for this post. It really resonated with me; 1) because my grandkids are all so empathic and

Empathy and respect are taught life skills. How you treat animals is usually how you treat other living things.

have been raised to treat all life with respect 2) because I am writing a new book on bullying and especially cyber-bullying.  Many children do not make the connection between their actions and the reactions on others.

Project Chickens before the Eggs – Lesson 108 – Dangling Frogs and empathy

guest post by Wendy Thomas – Simple Thrift

Yesterday at the community pool, some children found a small frog in the grass. One girl proceeded to pick the amphibian up by one of it’s long back legs and dangled it in front of my son’s face trying to frighten him. Other children gathered round in interest.

“Cut it out”, my son angrily said.

I saw this happening and I knew that he meant cut-out-the-hurting-of-the-frog, and not cut-out-the-trying-to-annoy-me. His concern was for the creature being tortured. The girl thinking that she was succeeding in upsetting my son intensified her assault by holding the frog even closer to his face.

I could see that my son was getting more and more frantic as he watched the frog hung upside down struggling desperately to get away from what had it in its grasps. It was pawing the air and violently twisting in its struggle.

“That’s mean,” one of my daughters said. “That’s really mean.”

The girl was not going to let go of the frog, to her, the sport was too much fun.

After waiting a few seconds to see what would happen, I walked over to the group and told them that this was not going to continue. We needed to get the frog safely over the fence and into the nearby grass. I told them all. The girl put the frog down and my daughter gently picking it up in her hands, walked over it to the fence and placing it on the other side where it would be safe from kids and girls who wanted to tease boys.

When we got into the car to go home, my son, a young man of few words simply said “I didn’t like that.”

None of us did.

I’m not saying that my kids are perfect little angels. On occasion they have been known to hit, scratch, and even pull each others’ hair. But what I will say is that when you invite animals (yes, even chickens) into your life something wonderful happens. When those animals are dependent on you for their food, water, and shelter, and when you discover that animals have intelligence and personalities, it makes a difference. A big difference.

You realize that all are connected and all are worthy of respect and empathy. Even the youngest child learns that to harm another, even a lowly frog, is to do injustice to the greater whole. When you invite animals to share in your life, you discover that when someone bigger and stronger harms something smaller and defenseless, it creates damages to everyone.

It’s not a good thing and you don’t like it.

Because of the dogs, cats, gerbils, hermit crabs, and many chickens we have had and continue to have in our lives, my kids have fully embraced that pain and violence to another creature is always wrong and unacceptable.

And that’s something I like.

Simple Thrift – creative living on less

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